Fighting hard to get a diagnosis. I hope it's worth it!

TL:DR - Getting a diagnosis has been long, hard, and facing dismissive attitudes at nearly every step. Still trying and moving forwards against a headwind of

I'm in the process of fighting to get a diagnosis as per the title. In fact, I've been fighting to get a diagnosis on my mental health and issues I have since my mid-20s and I'm 45 now. Sure, I've been covered by the blanket 'depression and anxiety', but even though I've struggled with those, I have yet to deal with the why I have them.

I'm due to see a Secondary Care team next week. I'm understandably anxious so I phone them up. I raise my concerns and their replies left me floored.

1. Will there be a diagnosis based on this assessment? - No there won't be. The team don't like to diagnose specific conditions and rather just want to either provide comprehensive support for people unable to function in certain ways, or hand people back to Primary Care (GP) with recommendations.

With this answer, I knew I was on a bad call. On to the next:

2. Can I bring any supporting paperwork to help? - No. All this will be is a spoken assessment and they will take notes. Personal notes are allowed, but they won't use that or anything else I want to provide.

Well then. My mood diary cataloguing my ups and downs is useless now. I paid good money for that app purely for circumstances like this and now it's wasted. Last one:

3. I brought up my suspicions of having ADHD. I explained as briefly as I could (all over the place) why, and was told this absolute gem of a dismissal:

"It's easy to think you have something. I sometimes think I have ADD because I find it difficult to concentrate sometimes."

Wow. I reiterated that I had supporting evidence from my wife and parents, in both home and school/work. No change in their attitude.

Why is it SO HARD to get someone to listen?

I've got to go through this appointment still, but I'm already switched off from it. It seems futile. A wasted avenue of possibility which will probably lead nowhere. I wish I had the funds to go the private route, but I need to speak to my GP because of the prescriptions.

Yet more fighting to get somewhere.

Why am I fighting so hard now?
My parents and wife are in agreement that I have a very strong indicator of ADHD. Seeing the symptoms, how my life has panned out, it made so much sense. I've been crying today because of some little trait that just hit home again.
AND - despite the stinky attitude of the Mental Health team, it has not wavered my conviction one little bit. I will not stop until I have seen a professional and got a diagnosis done. Only then I will rest, and see what the results are then.

In childhood I was fidgety, talkative, unable to wait, would fixate on things that I could 'get', impulsive, reckless at times, always easily distracted (at least all my family members lost me at some point because of this). I also had really poor self-esteem, as long as I can recall my life.

School I struggled with writing, instructions for tasks, homework was either missing or late all the time, I never studied/revised/practised for anything, etc. My school reports are just a catalogue of errors lol. I was bullied throughout my school life in different ways.

College I dropped out of twice, because I was so bad at doing the work required.

Work life has been consistent in keeping a job, but I was often disciplined for timekeeping, poor/late/inconsistent paperwork, promoted and then demoted many times, deadlines were always missed, one time my wife met with a boss (they knew each other) and was begging him to let me keep my job because my performance in projects was abysmal.

Home was a mess, I struggle with finances (my wife does them now), I've been in debt constantly since I was 18, with Court Judgements plenty, I'm impulsive with spending at the worst of times. I'm alcoholic. I'm either overeating unless I'm hyperfocused on dieting where I then track Every. Single. Nutrient. (Thanks to cronometer for that).

I've been struck off Opticians and Dental lists because I forget the appointments - and don't get me started on my self-care routines (or lack thereof). I've been late to interviews, missed doctors appointments, lost my wallet so many times, or would leave things at home when leaving for work. Even now I ride a motorbike and the amount of times I've got to the bike and realised my helmet is still at home... Oh yes, and my riding a motorbike is a blessing and a curse - no distractions but must go fast!

Hobbies come and go with alarming regularity. Some are fortunate enough to return (I keep photography and music making, all the others have had to be sold off for new hobbies where I must have the BEST equipment). Almost all new interests are met with cynicism by my wife, my sister and my parents...

If someone asks for help, I instantly have to say Yes - even though my mind seems to scream "Don't you dare say Yes". I'm a people pleaser and hate having to turn work or things down.

And the list can go on and on. Every day I learn more about ADHD I find way too many examples in my life, and I can both chuckle at how relatable it is, yet also a painful reminder.