What is the meaning of life?

I look out of the window on my right. Dead, leafless branches of Virginia creeper cover much of the view. Behind them I see more leafless trees. A cover of slimy, dead leaves on the ground and low hanging, gray, endless cover of clouds on the sky. Everything is gray, the last remnants of the morning fog still make the trees in the distance appear as if behind a thin veil.

I know today I have to write a text for school tomorrow. I have know that today I must write it for weeks. I come here, I see the perfection I shall never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never be part. I see how everyone has a purpose, a story. Everyone but me.

I am so restless. I stand up. I walk to the living room. I am alone in this big, dark, gray, silent house. House so far (how far is far, how distant too distant) from school, from people, from anything new.

I walk to the kitchen. I talk to myself, mutter to myself how much I hate everything I am, how I hate everyone. And I talk how few hours ago I didn't. I talk how the simple light brown of the door downstairs is better than any prison lock. No one threatens me, no one presses a gun against my head. They don't have to, I lock myself up without it. No locks are needed.

I cannot really control my right hand. It flaps in the air, doing complex, violent movements, constantly changing. I can stop it, if I want to. But why stop it? I laugh a little, to nothingness. My movement become increasiing ly rapid asdakdffdffoåasdfmkqwegftsdagfvadsf b fasdf asdfjlä . I don't really care

I repeat words and phrases. I can stop if I want to. Why stop talking? There is nothing else.

I stop everything. I stare into nothingness, frozen expression, weird. I walk about a bit more. Talk a bit more.

I ask myself, what do I want? I don't know. I know when I do something I want. But I never know before. I fear. I see the perfection. The standard I, the lowest of the low; the meaningless; lost; stupid; mad; idiot; unnecessary; parasite, have to match is so high there is nothing but despair left.

What do I enjoy? How the ######6, ######6, ######6, ######6, ######6 hell I am supposed to know? I have nothing to compare anything, I just am. I need a story to be able to see, to hear, to live. If I don't have a story, a reason to do things, what is doing but static noise?

You speak of doing. Who does and why. You speak of enjoyment. Who enjoys and what and why?

I enjoy nothing. I enjoy everything. I cannot stop eating. I cannot stop thinking. I cannot stop.

And I know I will forget all this at some point. Tomorrow is if today hasn't happened. I don't really remember. How I feel now is not how I feel soon or tomorrow. All I know is that this will return. And there is nothing, nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing. At all

And it is all not really true. I come by soon enough. "Sane" again. Just emptiness till something catches my attention. All is well. For a while...

You should publish that! It was like reading poetry

-- Wed Oct 26, 2011 8:26 am --

I find life eternally frustrating. I can get so much enjoyment when i have something to fix and focus on and really get into. Time flies by. But i ran out of meaninful goals a long time ago.
Without a project that engrosses me, what is left that is fun? The mundane leisure activities that others enjoy just don't cut it for me. So life drags on in between .........

You could look at it this way:

Life is many purposes. Every time you have something that needs to be done, that becomes your purpose for the time being. And maybe, when that task is done, your purpose is to enjoy not having any purpose for the time being. To enjoy simply being. Life is interesting, and there is always something interesting to experience, no matter how mundane it may seem. The tiniest thing can open up your mind into a new and unexpected train of thought without warning. And perhaps that could be purpose, as well; to think interesting thoughts. Purpose doesn't need to be external.

Everything has a purpose, but nothing does, because it's all gone in the end. But is it really??
My brain is amusing me right now.

Seems we should rename this thread: Seasonal Affect Disorder, chime in

CantThinkOfAny wrote::lol:

<snip>

And it is all not really true. I come by soon enough. "Sane" again. Just emptiness till something catches my attention. All is well. For a while...

Do you have split personalities or? I know how you feel. I had some severe depression issues and drug addiction in my early life. 3 suicide attempts. No reason to live, what was the point? i play soccer, it ends now what? But i got DXed bipolar and who knows, maybe im just on a hypomaniac high right now and in a few weeks or months im gonna start being a different person again. However if i dont, then i overcame my depression on my own. Maybe thats hope, i dunno. Im kinda interested to see where i go i nthe next few weeks or months.

Do you have split personalities or?

Propably not, I just have a robust personality.

It's not so much about being depressed or anything. It is more of a case of "what you don't know, you can't miss" or "ignorance is bliss". The more I think what could be and the more I compare what could be to what I have and to what I believe I will get, the more miserable I feel.

The problem isn't that the current state is bad, that is OK. But the problem is the notion, the conviction that it will always be bad. And even that would be OK if there were a reason, a justification, a true story, a proof for it.

But when I know that it is just me, just my thoughts and actions against the world, and that there is nothing concrete, nothing stable, nothing to grasp, no divine justice, no predestination, nothing is impossible now only afterwards and I don't have a story but just things I do and that I could be doing differently, but I'm not sure I will. That is the problem. Me. Being me is the problem. I don't know what is impossible, so everything is. (Or nothing is, but that is reserved for the more positive thinkers.)

Sorry for the lack of smilies his time, I'm not in the mood.

CantThinkOfAny wrote:The problem isn't that the current state is bad, that is OK. But the problem is the notion, the conviction that it will always be bad. And even that would be OK if there were a reason, a justification, a true story, a proof for it.

How does that change anything? I seriously can't figure out why 'a reason' would make it better. It's like when you get a terminal illness. Knowing why isn't going to change the fact that you are done for.

Can you explain how in your perspective knowing why improves anything

I would like to contrast the "reason" with the other option, "no reason". For example, in the case of the terminally ill, you die for a reason, cancer, dementia, whatever. Even if this reason is not known, you still know that some physical thing happends, some logical chain exists.

You cannot just die without this logical reason. Would you rather die because of something, rather than just..., for no reason at all.

It's the same here. Let's say my situation will always be bad. What I mean by that, you can read my previous 94 posts and try to figure it out. I am sure my bad is not worse, not by a long shot. But it is my bad, so....

And the idea that I have to suffer just because of inertia or for no reason at all, that I just do, is so bad. Of course I could change, but will I? If I don't and I suffer, why? Why, why, why?

This is purely philosophical issue, btw. I feel bad because of something that has potentiality to happen for no particular reason.

All you did was prove to me that philosophy is a dead end endeavor.

You didn't explain HOW knowing makes it all better. You just repeated that it would. Boggles the mind. Truly. I can't wrap my mind around it. It's such an alien concept. Whatever happens, happens. Whether you know why or not.

Or even worse. Suppose that the reason why is that a supernatural being has it in for your ancestors and wreaks havoc on you for no other reason then to satisfy his lust for hurting people.

That wouldn't make you feel better?

Oh, this is so fun. I am laughing here now. This little story came to me after reading your questions. I thought I'd share the contents of my head with you

There is a room.

Inside the room, painted white, is nothing except a table, a small, round, white table. On the table is a pristine, white and simple tablecloth. On the tablecloth is an apple (you may substitute any food item of your choosing, as long as you would want to eat it.)

The apple is of most appealing nature, red, big, very tasty.

You enter.

You see the apple.

And then, at the moment you see the apple, you hear a voice inside your head. The voice isn't a hallucination as such. More like a precognition in a form of a voice. Conveying absolute certainty and authority.

The voice says, "you will not eat that apple".

You ponder this for a moment. Surely you don't often hear such voices. You wonder also about the commandment it has given. You decide to ask it for a reason for this.

"Why not?", you ask.

"You just wont.", the voice answers.

"Well that is weird.", you think to yourself. "I could just eat the apple, it is there, unprotected.", you say to voice in your head.

"You could, but you wont. This will happen. There is no reason why it would, but it will happen.", you hear to voice reply.

"But if there is no reason for it, surely I could eat it. I want to, after all."

"You may want all you like, but it will not happen. This is certain."

You start to panic a bit. You shout to the voice, "Why not?"

The voice answers, in its inhumane, cold, logical, commanding tone that leaves the mind void of any counterarguments, filling your thoughts with nothing but absolute certainty, "It just wont."

You are thrown into a state of utter confusing. You will not eat the apple, you know this. But you have no reason, nothing for your bone dry, empty mind to grasp. You have an effect without a cause.

Do you eat the apple, or spend so long thinking about the problem your mind thus created that the apple is rotten before you even think about it again?

Surely you can understand that it would be better if the voice gave you a reason. The apple is poisoned, you will be shot if you try to eat it, the apple is not real. Anything at all.

This is what I meant by knowing.

To me, I have a "voice" in my head saying that it will never get better. I will fail. No reason given.