How do I become a friend of an aspie?

I've met a guy that I have a crush on. He has very many of the symptoms of asperger's syndrome. As someone who has a child will full autism, I don't think of people with autism or asperger's as having something "wrong" with them. The issue I have is that I'm sure he likes me, he shows a lot of signs that he likes me, but he seems so very "shy" (for the best way to describe it). He's always alone and really has no friends, at work or at home. I notice sometimes that he seems overwhelmed by other people and he isn't at all assertive, so when someone asks him to do something he doesn't want to, he just doesn't say anything and withdraws a little and ignores them until they leave.

I'm a very outgoing person and I'm the type of person who will typically just grab a person by the hand and drag them along with me. With most non-asperger's people, they will either just come along with a grin or will just say no. Realizing that he may have asperger's, I haven't done this as I don't want to weird him out too much. I really have a mind to just say "you shouldn't be alone all the time, you're going with us to the park this weekend, like it or not." And force him to either go, or say no. (and basically be somewhat assertive).

I like his spirit and I would still like to be friends with him even if it doesn't lead to a romantic relationship. Am I wrong to want him to be more social? He doesn't seem exactly miserable, but he sits alone all the time and doesn't seem exactly happy, either.

How do I help him to be more social with me and other people? He knows how I feel about him, but again, apart from a romantic relationship, I still want to be friends. What's the best way to ask him to go to the park with me as a friend without him feeling pushed or uncomfortable? What's the best way to help him be more assertive and social with other people without pushing my own personality onto him?

You don't. At least from what i've gained from life, talking to others and reading on boards friendship has a totally different meaning for AS.

One should invent another word for it. It looks like friendship, but no matter which friendship in general an AS can just get up and walk away and forget about you if a certain trigger is activated.

Basically, as petrossa said, you don't. If you want to do things with him, it needs to be meaningful.

You could of course try to trick him (You want to go to a restaurant but it feels weird to do it alone so you want him to come along etc) or you could try to see if it plainly works with direct approach. (You say you are hungry and you want to try a restaurant and you want him to come along too.)

In either case, plan ahead, let him know its coming, perhaps days before. Set a date & time. Tell him that if he has any questions he should think about them and ask before you go. (How to get there, what to wear, etc).

Biggest problem I have with such things is that I worry myself to death when I know its coming, but I get outstressed if I just happen to get pushed into these situations.

But as always, every person with AS is as different as any non-AS.

i have not been officially diagnosed with AS but i am like the guy you describe. i will be brutally honest with you. i hate it when someone asks me to do something with them. i am a female, but i guess that does not matter. but when people get tired of "doing everything" they tend to disappear and never to be seen again. another thing that people do is to invite me to go out then call and cancel right before the activity is to happen. this has happened so many times to me that i just automatically say no because i know the outing will not occur. something will come up and it will never be resceduled. i dont mean to be ugly, but if any one else has experienced this, i would like to know. or am i the only one this happens to?

Okay, so a lot of people have negative experiences with this, but my motto is you never know if you don't ask.

I have AS and I used to be terribly negative, these days, however, I am WAAAAAAY more positive so I am going to tell you what I would want you to do if it were me you were talking about.

Go up to him ask him if he knows you already, if he doesn't then introduce yourself. Then let him know you have noticed him in the office or wherever you know him from and tell him what you told us, you admire his spirit or work or whatever. Then say simply, "I just wanted to know if you want something to do on Tuesday night?"

Don't beat around the bush, don't chit chat, don't hem and haw, all of that is nonesense to us and we don't bother with social posturing or "pretending" to be shy or cute or hard to get. Be direct and clear and if he is interested he will say yes...but, I might offer him a day to think about it...ask him to let you know tomorrow, not right now.

He may think you are baiting him or trying to make him look stupid as so many of us have been hurt by others in the past, so do your best to seem genuinely interested. It is not the time for you to suddenly be shy or play hard to get. Be forward and cheerful.

petrossa wrote:One should invent another word for it. It looks like friendship, but no matter which friendship in general an AS can just get up and walk away and forget about you if a certain trigger is activated.

What kind of things might be triggers to aspies?

Totally individual. There is no general something like with BPD. Maybe, i'm stretching here, needy people?

petrossa wrote:Totally individual. There is no general something like with BPD. Maybe, i'm stretching here, needy people?

Ah, that makes sense! I had an aspie friend push me away many, many times cause I came of as needy.

Yeah. could be. I obviously can't speak for anybody but myself but from what i gathered in general it seems a shared issue. It's hard enough to keep myself on track, can't shoulder the load of someone else's life. I've only been in relationships with strongwilled, independent women.

Things that make me turn away without a second thought:

Betrayal
Falseness
Manipulation
Lies - about important fundamental issues about who they really are as a person etc.
Not respecting my space/my boundaries
Extreme Selfishness - when it is females more than males. I don't seem to mind this trait in men, not sure why. Probably used to it.
Too much talking/non-stop chatter (but that is more an irritation than the complete & utter disdain the above will cause within me)

Things that don't bother me:
Imperfections
Failure
Past Mistakes - even very 'bad' things. It rarely bothers me, not sure why.

However, it probably would be difficult to become friends with me rght now simply because of my realisation that I don't actually want anymore 'deep' friendships. Superficial 'friendships' don't mean a great deal to me. I don't understand them or why people regard them as 'friendships' when it seems to be just a polite exchange of chit chat now and then. I am better at doing things like that than I used to be but I am always shocked that people I just say hello to seem to think of me as some kind of friend.