I hate being a girl (most of the time)

I know this disorder will never go away completely. I just don't see how it's possible to let go of the obsession when I have reminders everywhere I go.

When I hear other girls talk about clothes sizes I have to get up and leave immediately or else I'm triggered to go throw up what I just ate. If I'm out to lunch and choose NOT to order a salad like every other weight conscious female, I get comments like, "Oh, you're going all out today aren't you?"

I ######6 hate this. How are those of us with disorders expected to recover when we live in this kind of society? I'm so overly sensitive to any comment regarding food and weight even when it's not directed towards me.

I totally understand that. :/ It's the same for me - and worse still, I've noticed that I've started to eye other girls critically as well as I walk in the streets. I never used to do that before... and I hate it when I catch myself thinking ugly things like "You have a pretty face, but if I were you I'd never show my thighs like that".

I hope you don't mind me asking, but is there anything special that triggered this post? Have there been any particular situations or comments that made you feel uncomfortable, or is it just general hatred towards the appearance-oriented society that all girls live in? Perhaps venting it all out would help.

I don't mind at all, thank you for asking.

It's mostly my mother. She just doesn't understand how my disordered mind works and has no patience for it. I realize that's not entirely her fault, but I'm triggered by everything she says and I can't take it anymore.

I told her that I was trying to taper down on my workouts since I'm obsessed with it and she asked me why I was doing that and said I'll get fat if I don't exercise. I just couldn't believe she said that to me. I'm trying to recover from anorexia and haven't had my period in two years partly due to overexercising! Why isn't she supportive of me? Shouldn't getting my period back be more important to her than whether or not I get fat? Doesn't she think that's running through my mind enough as it is? She doesn't understand how serious this is.

If I work up the courage to allow myself to eat ice cream or pizza, she says something to insinuate that I'm being "bad." It's okay to say something like that to a person without an eating disorder, but in my mind she is telling me that I'm not skinny enough to eat bad food once in a while. It makes me not want to eat anything in front of her in fear of her scrutiny.

If I wear something revealing in any way, I can see her assessing my weight and she'll ask me how much I've gained so far. She says it in a way that sounds like she is concerned, but it feels like some sick competition. I purposely wear sweatshirts and jackets around her to avoid comments like that. She has no idea how much they affect me.

It's hard enough to let myself eat and think positively about it, but I hate being reminded of it all the time. It's like she doesn't want me to be 80 pounds with a feeding tube down my throat again, but I can't get "too fat" either. My BMI is 17.2, still underweight for god's sake, and I'm getting comments like this. I'm nowhere near being recovered mentally or physically and I'm already being discouraged from gaining any more.

How do I keep going without any support?

Your mother sounds like a very negative person in your recovery. I am sorry this is the case. What other support do you have? Can you talk to them to let off steam about your mother. I mentioned this in another forum and it may not help but can you imagine a shiny metal shield around you where all her comments are deflected off it and do not reach you. Please ignore if unhelpful. Finally do you think you could talk to you mum and tell her you are finding her comments are making your recovery difficult. Keep going you are getting there and you are doing it for you. Thinking of you.

Cracked

Sounds awful, I'm so sorry you have to go through that. :/ I second what Cracked said - talking to others (of course, this includes us!) and telling your mom how you feel could help, and that shield thing doesn't sound at all bad either.

I can somewhat relate to how you feel, because at first my mom kept saying that she couldn't believe I was anorexic, kept pointing out that I didn't appear depressed and that I ate fairly normal portions in her company and so on. I felt really defensive and kind of insulted, like I'd have to be hospitalized before she'd believe that I'm actually sick and not just whining to get some attention. Eventually I managed to pour this out to her in a fit of screaming and sobbing, and even though she still sometimes makes comments that hurt me, she seems to have realized that she was only doing more harm.

I'm pretty sure your mom wants to see you healthy and recovered, but it seems that she doesn't understand how an ED works, and is trying the wrong approach to help you. But it looks like she's not only preventing you from recovering, but even causing you to fall further back. Please try to talk to her if you feel that it's at all possible. :/

Also, I hope you still stick to your plan to exercise less. No matter what your mother said, you are not going to be fat. Letting go of obsessions is really hard, but once you manage to do that, things get easier. I know you can do this. ♥ Thinking of you!

Thanks girls.

I do have a couple friends that I vent to. They don't know much about eating disorders but thankfully they're still available to listen when I need them. And of course, venting here helps too.

I know my mother wants the best for me and wants me to be healthy. I've come to her before about how sensitive I am to her comments and gets very upset knowing that she hurt me. That's how I forgive her... I don't think she says it intentionally to hurt me. I just want her to think a bit more before she speaks even if she has to be overly cautious. I've told her this before but somehow eventually it always comes out.

Cracked, I like what you said about the shield. That's a good idea. Sometimes imagery like that makes a huge difference. It's like what I said in Lida's thread about seeing my body as a sick baby or something. Thank you.

You are welcome, we are always here to listen. Thinking of you

Cracked