Support/advice

Hi, first off I am sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place. As a teen I was anorexic and had horrible body image. I also used to feel numb to things and I would cut myself. I won't bore you with the details of then to now, but for a while I was "better". I met my husband and got pregnant, and gained more weight than I would like to admit. Since meeting my husband I have only cut myself once, and it was quite a while ago. I have felt so miserable since I was at that high weight of being pregnant (I'm not pregnant currently, my daughter is 15 months) but I am only just now getting near my "target" range. The problem is that I can feel myself falling back into old habits. By BMI standards I am getting close to bordering on underweight, and people are telling me I look thin. But I love it. I had always loved being called "too skinny", even though I never felt skinny enough. I really would like to lose more weight because I don't feel happy and I feel like I will only be happy when I am thin again. But as I'm sure you all know, that is an unattainable standard and no weight will ever be thin ENOUGH. I just don't know what to do... I feel disgusting at the weight I am at. I am also very tall and that has always made me feel "big" so I compensate by trying to be skinnier. Another thing that is contributing to me falling into these habits, is that my husband is deployed right now and I think it is taking an emotional toll on me. He has always told me I am beautiful even at my highest weight, but I know its not true. I want so badly for him to come home and be able to hold me with ease. I know I need to be healthy but I just don't know how to fight these feelings. Also, something very upsetting happened, and for the first time in a long time, the thing that popped into my head was cutting myself. I do not want to go down that road again. I cannot go a professional about this because I am not comfortable saying any of these things out loud. I also am very obsessed with appearing to have a perfect life so outwardly, I always act like everything is perfect when it is not.

I am so sorry you are struggling. It does sound like you are on that slippery slope again and I know you said you could not talk to a professional about it but you need to think about what the alternative is. As for the cutting, well done for resisting it and please keep safe. Keep posting there are ppl here listening.

Cracked

I just can't bring myself to go see someone about this there is just no way I would be able to talk about it in person. I can feel this getting worse and I'm getting so worried though. I have been eating... but completely obsessing about my stomach fat and how many calories I eat. I have been having so many thoughts to self injure... and honestly the only reason I have been able to keep myself from doing it is because I know I am going to the beach in 2 weeks and everyone would see the cuts. The only person I could possibly talk about this to would be my husband, but it would hurt him so badly to know this and be helpless about it. He won't be back for 9 more months

Well done for not cutting, that is a real achievement and use anything you can to make sure that continues to be the case. As for the eating, would you consider referral to an ED specialist as they have more understanding of what you are going through and perhaps talking to them would not be so difficult. I know it sounds like you are in an impossible situation but there will be a chink of light to find. Keep posting.

Cracked