Thinking of starving again

Not that I'm eating properly now. I'm just barely hovering at acceptable weight, because I've been watched very closely by friends/family/doctors since my last plunge. Now after a time of course the hawk-eyes are off, so it's time to go back (is what ana says).

Part of it is that I haven't been eating properly anyway, and I'm back to the pre-weight-loss stave-swollow cycle. It maintains my weight, but I can't stand it. It's impossible to get rid of unless I choose one: anorexia or binge eating. I can't maintain the median.

Obviously if I start to lose, people will notice. But the problem is that I don't think I care anymore. I like starving SO MUCH on an emotional level, it is fulfilling like nothing else has ever been.

Have you tried to figure out why you need that fulfillment?