Totally Alone

Im 24, have 4 kids and a husband and even in a house full of chaos I feel alone. I have been dealing with anorexia for 2 years. I went inpatient a year ago and leveled my weight to a low healthy weight. Having been in therapy for 2 years I keep fighting and digging up more things about me and my past that I dont want to hear, let alone deal with. I keep getting diagnosed with more things... OCD, then bipolar then sex addiction. I keep finding out that all these things started from things I had no control over and for some reason people keep saying I am the only one who can fix it. Every time I try to deal with one issue the other ones get worse. Ive already dropped 8 lbs in the last month and started using laxatives and diet pills again. Last month I wanted to kill myself and they had me committed. No one understands and I cant imagine living life like this and cant even fathom what they are talking about being happy and stable. I know I am hurting so many people and pushing them away but they just dont understand and Im just to tired to care about anything anymore. They say I cant go back to when I was nieve and life was easier so I can only keep fighting. But I could just stop fighting and let it take me, or I could do worse. All I want is to get outta my head. So much pain and conflict. I just wanna be at peace. I have never known happy so I dont miss it. All I want is to get through a day without trying to fight. Its so easier to just do what my mind wants, what I want. I hate myself so much, and the more I try the more I hurt. I dont want anyone on here to pity me, tell me it will get better, or even give me advice right now. All I need is to hear that someone understands and can relate. I would love to hear your stories. I just dont want to feel alone in this anymore.

Momo, I have felt alone and overwhelmed too, many people who post here have. It felt like I had nowhere to turn and no hope for the future and especially no one to understand and talk to. You have us now.

i can relate to u 100% except i have had a eating disordersince i was like 5 and i am now 22 i have a 3 year old lil gurl who her father wants nuthing to do with. i was somewhat stable until becoming pregnant seeing all the "fat" on me was the hardest thing for me i had to go in patient for most of my pregnancy to save mine and my daughters life. i wanted my daughter and loved her to pieces i just couldnt eat felt so alone noone understood me and what i was goin through. many times in my life i have contimplated suicide tried it a few times. i wass addicted to using dieretics and laxatives so much that now my bowels dont work right. every time i ate anything i had to take a laxative it was really bad for awhile i ha vedone alot of damae to my internal body. it makes things hard for me about a year ago i became wheelchair bound so my mind is always thinking what do i weigh will i weigh more if i eat this im getting fatter...... the mind just never shuts up. i am with u on the digging up stuff from the past that is one of my huge issues it seems like i get better from one issue and another one comes my way.i dont kno what ur exsperience with doctors has been but i kno with me it seems like they blame all my other health issues on my anorexia.so yes i kno how alone ufeel. if u ever wanna talk or just a ear to listen message me or e-mail me lilpeanut1807@yahoo.com