I Wish I Could Be Normal.

I'm gonna ramble on a bit here, but please just bare with me.
I know that there's something wrong with me, but I'm not sure that it's anorexia. I have issues with eating, my weight and how I look. I absolutely despise how I look. Other people tell me I look pretty but I just can't see it. I can't stand to look at pictures of myself, because I always look so fat and ugly. Since I started losing weight, I've lost 32lbs but I can't see it. I still look as fat as I did when I was 32lbs heavier. When I'm not binging, I eat 150 calories per day and freak out if I eat over 300. When I say 'not binging', I mean when I'm in control...it's all or nothing with me. Either I severely restrict or I binge like crazy. But that's the thing that stops me from thinking I'm anorexic. I binge too often. I know that everyone binges at some point or another because it's your body's natural reaction to starvation, but I do it too often. Yesterday, I didn't eat a single thing but today I binged. I'll probably fast again tomorrow.
I just wish I could relax and eat normally. But I can't. Some days I convince myself that how I see myself is all just in my head, enough to get me to eat but then the next day I just feel so fat and guilty and starve myself. I try, I do try to be normal but it never works.
When I'm restricting I feel in control and I enjoy the hunger pains, the dizziness and the fatigue, when I'm binging I feel hopeless and disgusting, but I do it anyway because I'm just so hungry. I can't explain it. But when I'm not restricting and losing weight I feel like I have nothing else in my life to look forward to. Stepping on the scales and seeing how much weight I've lost is the only thing in my life that I enjoy and that I can control.
I'm 128lbs and 5ft 5". On paper it doesn't seem so bad but when I look in the mirror, eurgh. I can't bear it.


What do I do?

I am sorry to hear you having nothing besides losing weight to look forward to. Regardless of the DSM label that fits your description, you are normal. Is there anyone (close to you) with whom you can talk to about this? While neither binging nor fasting is a healthy habit--both are extremely dangerous--having someone you live with or see regularly can help you in regulating the way you eat.

In addition, have you ever considered seeing a psychologist?

(Oh, and if your username is a reference to Death Cab--that's awesome. )

A lot of people have that kind of ED. It's a form of bulimia. Bulimics binge eat, feel terrible about themselves, and purge the food -- usually throw it up, use laxatives, over-exercise, or starve themselves in response. And as I said, your way of eating is very common.

Honestly, from a somewhat longer lifetime of living with EDs (I'm only 20, but hey), the best medium I've found is to restrict slowly, counting calories is usually a bad idea (think of it this way: counting calories only makes your mind more obsessively focused on your intake, and your mind will react with stress and with more bad eating). Your bmi is normal, so it's safe if you just want to be a bit thinner than you are, but it's not safe if you can't see yourself being able to stop. In that case you need psychiatric help.

Also, depending on how long you've been in this pattern, this may be a crucial time for you to really think about what you're getting yourself into (a SERIOUSLY disordered lifestyle), and do whatever you can to fight it before it gets to a point of no return. The best thing you can really to do is figure out for yourself the real emotional reasons that make you want to lose weight, and you'll probably see that they're unhealthy. My impression is that you seem quite depressed, and have a lot of anxiety which might have to do with how up and down your eating pattern is. These things can be treated, some people find talk therapy works, personally I haven't found it helpful, but I'm on antidepressants given by my doctor and they help a lot with the eating disorder, not just with mood. They don't make you gain weight, they just help you see your disorder with clearer perspective and you can make better choices. I hope I don't sound like I'm pushing you in that direction, but really think you should see your doctor and either look into therapy or whatever it is you think might be helpful.

Remind yourself that your body is normal (because you know it is), and try and respect your body no matter what you do to it. Eating 150 calories a day is very harmful in the long run. If you can't keep yourself from wanting to lose weight, just make sure you do it with your health in mind .. and I assure you, the more you can aim for middle ground the less you'll want to binge.