I am a pathetic excuse for a human being.

This is my story: the story which changed my life in ways I never thought possible.

For a year, it slowly crept up on me, for a year it devoured me, for a year it took everything away. I don't know how or why it started - I had a great life. I didn't notice it at first. But then I started looking in the mirror more andmore often, started eating "healthier", started reading more nutrition labels. And then, within a few months, before I knew it, I was posessed. I was consumed by the force of this evil voice inside of me forcing me to get skinnier when I was already underweight. My periods disappeared, my hair started to fall out, but it kept promising me joy. So I listened. I hid food. I exercised like there was no tomorrow. I became terrified of the words "fat" and "calorie." When my parents notcied I was losing weight, they took me to a doctor. He said I would die if I don't cut this out.

Although I never made myself throw up, I became absolutely, ridiculosly terrified of food. My greatest fear in life was (and still is) to suddenly gain a ton of weight and become enormously huge. Things got worse every day. I wasn't getting better. So my parents started to watch me more and more closely, up to the point where they controlled every single meal, and watched me like a hawk to make sure I didn't sneak or burn anything away. I was forbidden to exercise. That scared me even more. So now, whenever I get the chance, I sneak in exercise whenever I can - my god, if I don't burn these calories, what'll happen to me? I stand in front of the mirror. All I see is fat. Bulging stomach, flabby thighs, fat, fat, FAT! Everyone thinks I am crazy, and I don't deny it. They say they can see my bones. My pants are all size 00. But I feel like a mosntrous pig. "You can't give in!" the voice cries "You CAN'T!" I exercise in the bathroom, in the girl's change room - even in the kitchen at night. I hide bits of food to the best of my ability while being watched - nuts down my bra, chocolate on the roof of my mouth, to be spit out later. I cry every day. My mom cries too. My dad yells and goes insane. I hate this life. But I can't stop it. No matter how hard I try, I just CAN'T.

The voice promised me happiness. It promised me everything would be great. But I lost all my friends, I lost my period, I lost most of my hair, I lost my dignity, and I lost my MIND. I'm scared to stop sneaking exercises. I'm scared to eat without trying to hide something. I'm terrified of getting fat. Death doesn't scare me. Nothing does. I am truly, a pathetic, helpless freak.

If you are reading this, please don't make the same mistakes I did. Don't pay attention to how "thin" you are, or how "skinny" you think you should be. I know anorexics are masters at lying, but hear me when I say this - don't listen to that voice. It will kill you. It will take away your life. Don't look at models, don't look at diets, don't look at fads. Just live your own life how YOU were meant to live it. Don't change for anyone. Don't hurt yourself. Please, don't ever be like me.

Hi,

Unfortunately, I have already made the same mistakes that you have, but have now recovered some ground in my life. i'm male though, so I guess our problems would be viewed somewhat different by others. One thing I will not accept here is you saying that you are a pathetic excuse for a human being, because that is simply not true. Did you ever go to a doctor about this though? I did, and I was diagnosed with OCD, which explained quite a lot actually.

Anway, how are you progressing now? I imagine that things are not as bad as you portray them to be in your post (... ...right?). Are you working or studying?

Kevin