EDNOS?

I used to be entirely anorexic last fall, and before then.

I can remember it going back to the 4th grade when I was 9. We were on a school trip and they were feeding us some cheesy pasta thing. I was dreaded, and when I went to take a bite I discovered it was cold and I refused to eat it or anything else. I can also remember at home I'd refuse to eat meals if they weren't the ones I liked, and I'd sit at the table in front of it the whole night.

Skip a few years to age 12. I'm painfully self-conscious, and I hate myself, and I still do now too. I convinced myself I was fat and looked up to bones. I love bones. I limit my calorie intake to about 500 per day, and I succeed.

At age 14, last fall, I had it all going perfectly. I'd eat nothing the entire day, then at dinner I'd only have a veggie burger and that was it until a little something I ate at night. Then I went through periods of binge eating. It's like that now. I'll be doing well (in my head) for a few weeks, I'll have complete control, then binge endlessly for what feels like forever for months. It's cyclic like that now.

At this point I don't view myself as huge or fat, but I'm just dissatisfied by how I look. I'm 5'6, about 100lbs and it's still not thin enough, but I don't think I'm fat. I have a fascination with bones and all I want is for mine to show. I think my anorexia has turned to EDNOS.

Hi,

It certainly sounds like EDNOS. I think that when a person moves through the different eating disorders (like you have), there's no other name but 'EDNOS' to call it. Right now, for example, I exhibit Bulimic traits but, in the last few years, I have also been a binge-eater and an anorexic.

Do you think you'll ever be happy with how you look? To be honest, as long as you continually try to control what you eat, I don't believe you ever will. The same is true for me. We will never reach an ideal body, unless we let go of controlling our food and re-focussing on other things in life.

Take care,
Kevin

I'll never be happy.

I have recovered before, but I was never happy then either. It's lose-lose. I lose.

What do you lose at? - There is nothing to win or lose in life. Sorry, I know I'm taking your words very literally, but the point I'm making holds substance that I think you can get positives out of. Life is in no way a competition, and people should be happy with their physical appearance. It is only society itself that teaches us to hate certain aspects of ourselves. For example, we are taught that being too heavy, too short, having grey hair, having a receeding hairline, etc. are all 'wrong'. Why are they wrong? - They shouldn't be because they are all natural aspects of human life.

If you can separate yourself from society just a little (i.e. get out of that big feeling of competitiveness), I think that you will be on your way to happiness.

Kevin

I concur with Chucky, and myself am 5'6" and 100 lbs, except for occasionally not being hungry, or not wanting to eat, I can't say I have an eating disorder. I appreciate myself how I am, though I'd like to get a bit more fat to get more breasts. I have a very petite bone structure by the way. It'd hardly be healthy to go below 100 lbs for me. So I do all I can not to. But I can't gain lots of weight.

I feel like I lose against the people who look better than me. even though people often look at me with a lot of envy, I'm usually the one envious of them, so I feel like I lose. There's always someone better and I want to be the best. I think this ED has branched from my narcissism.

Why are they 'better' than you though?; I mean, why is it a competition in your eyes? Okay, I actually understand why you view it as a competition because I was like that a number of years ago too. Things will change for you if you just work away at these thoughts.

They're prettier and more successful. If I'm not the best, I'm an automatic failure to everything and everyone.

That's more perfectionist than me. And I'd say I am a lot, too. Sometimes to obsessive levels.

I don't compare myself to others, I have to live my life, they have to live theirs. We all have different goals and feelings about a specific thing someone else might have, or that ourselves may have. Being cute makes me happy. Being cute makes others mad. It's the same thing, but a different result. Being rich makes someone else happy, being secure financially is more than enough for me, I don't need luxury.

You can't have it all, and be better than everyone. People specialize themselves to focus on one thing more than others. I have a knack for cuteness, and I like it, so while I'm not THE best, I'm still pretty cute in my own right, and that's okay with me.

Believe me, the attention that being #1 gets you is far from always being positive, see paparazzis for examples, or how shallow Hollywood stars can be about their relationships. I wouldn't want to have flings that last a couple months and have every tidbit of my life published nationally in gossipy magazines. Where's my right to privacy?

Chameleon, there is no standard for prettiness or success. They both come in many many different guises. If you can analyse yourself, instead of looking to see what everyone else is doing, perhaps you can achieve your own sense of success and character. Besides, if everyone was only successful and pretty in one way, wouldn't the world be an incredibly boring place to live?

Look around you at all of the different types of people; doing different types of things.

I feel like I'm putting words in your mouth and am annoying you (so I'll shut-up now).

Take care,
Kevin