I can't tell what is wrong with me...

Ever since I was a baby and growing up, I was always underweight according to what was established as normal weight. But I was never emaciated or anything, just smaller and I ate fine. My mom said I had really bad constipation problems and those continued with me even until now. I feel sick when I eat sometimes like full and like my food doesn't digest. I found out through a naturopathic doctor that I am gluten intolerant by undergoing a detox and trying to add foods back one by one. It wasn't surprising to me because I am allergic to alot of things.

When I got into like 6th grade I got my period and started going through that awkward stage of developing - I wasn't the earliest in my class but one of the early ones. Then in 8th grade, I started to trim down and become more balanced, basically my body was becoming established. I thought everything was fine, but I don't know if it was jealousy or what but all of my really good friends went to a teacher and told them that I was anorexic. They claimed I never ate at lunch..which I really didn't because the food was gross and my parents didn't give me any money for it. So the school nurse weighed me once a week and my weight never changed so they gave up. It was 98 lbs every time. (I am only 5'2")

Then in 10th grade I started getting into baton twirling and was very serious about being a majorette and I practiced a ton. I was really good and felt I needed to practice alot so when you are constantly athletic, you don't always feel like eating. So sometimes, I felt like I would watch a little bit what I ate because when you have a full stomach it's hard to go do spins and front walk overs. But I know I did alot of body checking, and I hated my legs...but I think hating parts of your body is normal. But I still weighed 98lbs sometimes 100lbs

After majorette was over, I feel like I didn't care as much about what I ate and drank alot and gained alot of weight. I was probably up to like 115lbs. But everyone kept saying how much better I looked..when I didn't really think so.

Well then I started getting more serious about school and separated my self from the drinkers and started getting back into dance and baton and would just re-learn some of my old dance routines and worked on my technique. Since I was alone in my dorm room. I probably did that for the majority of the night. So I started losing weight. I also wasn't eating as much because I was alone...and you tend not to eat as much out of social eating and things like that. So I got to about 96 lbs.

But then I noticed a difference, I suddenly started taking off with it and decided that I didn't want anything filthy in my body. I thought like all dairy products were gross and just equalled fat just like sugars and candy. Then I figured eating meat is just like eating pounds of fat. So I was eating like vegetables and rice and soup and grilled cheese and only drinking orange juice or water. I started teaching dance so I was dancing for 5 hours everynight. I went down to 92 lbs. People would comment how skinny I was but never seemed worried. I felt healthy and happier than ever. For the first time, I felt like I could accomplish anything. But when I would lay down to go to sleep I would feel fluttering in my heart sometimes...i don't know what that was...and sometimes it would hurt to lay on my back because it felt like my bones were popping through my skin...even sitting for a long time felt like that.

So after awhile I started hanging out with my friends again because dance season was over and I started drinking again and gained weight slowly back up to probably 107lbs, which might have been from birth control pills. I was fluctuating between 99 and 107 for about 3 years. I graduated college and stayed at about 100lbs. even after I quit birth control pills. I went to aerobics everyday and stayed the same weight and ate the same. Then I got a job and couldn't go to aerobics anymore and I started losing weight rapidly. All of my pants that I had just bought for work slowly started falling off of me and I was back down to 92lbs. And I loved it again. I met a guy and went back on birth control and went up to 109lbs in just 2 months. I was devestated. I worked out constantly and my self esteem went wayyy down. I went through a detox with my doctor because I was breaking out and was depressed and she thought it was allergy related or liver related...the detox went well and i found out that I was gluten intolerant which eliminates alot of foods. It's strange but in some ways i'm happy I know what has been making me sick, but in other ways i'm happy because people won't be forcing me to eat as much if I can't help that I cant eat.

In the past, I have felt like people were forcing me to eat more than I wanted and accusing me of anorexia, but now it's not my fault. So I'm at like 97lbs. now but fear gaining any weight. I look at pictures of myself and feel fat. I am uncomfortable with my body image and constantly do body checking. In the past I have hid food by throwing it out or acting sick, but never really went out of my way because no one every watched that closely. I never really feel like I want to do that now. But I get severe anxiety when people watch me eat or make any comments about what I am eating. I have no idea what this is...if it's anorexia nervosa or some type of OCD because I definitely have some kind of anxiety issue. I don't know if the excessive weight loss is an accident or not. It makes me wonder because I feel like at some points in my life I was striving to be skinny and restricting where other parts, it was just an accident. Any help?

Hey,

Firstly, it is very sad to hear about what happened to you in school. I can only imagine that it made you feel isolated and angry. Your naturally thin figure would certainly have made other girls jealous; such is the society we live in. One of my mother's friends also has gluten-intolerance and she is about 55 years old now and - yeh - she's very skinny.

then I started getting more serious about school and separated my self from the drinkers

I also did this a few years ago and, now, I cannot bear the thought of alcohol in my body - it's revolting. At that point I also became obsessed with keeping fit and looking good. My obsession moved to my diet and now I'm Bulimic. I think our stories are slightly similar.


Anyway, you will most likely always be thin due to you gluten-intolerance. It can be very dangerous if you then combine this disorder with Anorexia; as you have witnessed in the past with the 'fluttering of your heart'. I have also felt pains and an accelerated heart-rate at times when my weight was low. It's generally not a great feeling to have.


I don't know where I'm going with this reply but I will say one thing: If you can prevent yourself from stepping on the weighing-scales for a full day then that's an achievement.


Kevin.

Anorexia Nervosa? Probably not full blown, and you probably are naturally slim, but you do have a problem: the fear of getting fat, and the distorted body image that allows you to see yourself as heavy when others are telling you you're thin -- those are signs of a problem.

Even if you don't meet all the diagnostic criteria for AN, it still sounds as if you have a problem. I'd recommend talking to someone about it, to get help now before things get worse. Someone at the school health services should be able to help.

Good luck.