I need support... maybe?

I'm not really sure what I'm doing here. I'm a 21 year old college student about to graduate in May, and I think I have an eating disorder, but it goes back and forth so much that I'm not sure. I've been obsessed with my weight and appearance in a serious way for probably two years now, to the point where it's hard for me to concentrate during class because I'm thinking about how fat my arms look to the other people in the class, or how they must be thinking I eat all the time or something. But recently, since the beginning of June, I've been taking the scary second step of actually restricting. It comes and goes in spurts, though.

On a good day, I can eat and not think about how many calories it is. On a bad day, which happens more often, I definitely eat, but I'll fast all day and have a bowl of soup at night right before bed so I don't have to fall asleep hungry. Sometimes I eat more than that, but usually never more than 800 calories a day. I try to keep it to under 500 if I can. It makes me feel so much better if I just don't have to worry about eating. But these bad periods will last for two or three weeks and then I'll have a good couple of days and then it'll be back to the bad weeks.

I was small to begin with, I've always been small. I'm 5'4 and the most I think I ever weighed was 109. But lately I've been just ridiculously focused on getting to 85, because that seems like a magic number and that's what some of my friends weigh, and they don't have eating disorders so it can't be that unrealistic.

I've been feeling really blah lately too. Not depressed (I don't think), but just blah to the point of not wanting to get up and skipping class and meetings because I have this indescribable feeling of blah hanging over me. I want so badly to tell my family that something's sort of wrong, but they wouldn't believe me because one of the few times I can eat without inhibition is when I'm at home, even though my mother constantly talks about losing weight and eating healthy and how I "used to be fat" even though I only weighed 109 pounds.

I know I probably need help, but I can't bring myself to go see somebody because needing help, to me, is the ultimate failure, even worse than being fat (which is pretty bad, too). So I just don't know. I think something's not quite right, but I'm honestly not sure. Maybe I'm just normal and paranoid. And hungry. I'm definitely hungry almost all the time.

i know how you feel. all i ever do is obsess about my weight. i worry that everyone is going to think i am a fat pig or somthing. but you certainly seem skinny. i really wouldnt be worried about your weight, especially when your in collage and you have so many funner things to live for but i deffinatly understand what you mean when you say that you cant concentrate and are losing interest in things. the same stuff happens to me. when i dont eat, i cant concentrate. after my anorexia really started getting bad, i noticed that my grades in school were even dropping. i know it seems scarry, but you should really concider getting into therapy. even if it is only a support group with other girls who share your problems, at least you will be around people who are going through the same things as you. and maybe then you wont feel so alone.


i wish you alot of luck.

~becca