Cynic & Self Cynic

If I'm spelling the words right or even using the words right.

I've been verbally attacked quite literally all my life, I don't allow it and just attack myself.

Internet definitions:
1.like or characteristic of a cynic; distrusting or disparaging the motives of others.
2.showing contempt for accepted standards of honesty or morality by one's actions, especially by actions that exploit the scruples of others.
3.bitterly or sneeringly distrustful, contemptuous, or pessimistic.

From the above I would definitely accept:
- disparaging the motives of others.
- showing contempt for accepted standards of honesty or morality by one's actions
- pessimistic.

I am very good at my job wish is just being a simple dishwasher at a restaurant, I've handled small places and large places (for up to 12+ yrs)...However when staff and managers face off with me and say your doing great I reply with a blank face or outright be negative/pessimistic. Its not the point of hating what I do, my parents raised me responsible (Im married 12 yrs with a 9 yr old son) and I take care of my family. But long ago the ability to climb the ladder of success was taken from me when it should have meant. Bottom line is I don't accept positivity, appreciation. I mind/brain refuses to process, I refuse to accept those words...yes there are written definitions of those words, but there just words...they mean nothing to me.

Most on this forum/website will reply seek professional help...Not when insurance in this country starts at $1k deductible or I call it down payment and most minimum of $100-300 a month premium...Im fortunately able to pay rent, food, gas like everyone else. My wife and child already have disability insurances. I am physically healthy just not mentally enough, cynical enough for a better job.

So Im hoping to talk to others, figure out what to do, definitions for myself. Someone at work who say they wanted to become a psychiatrist diagnosed me as "anti-social".