I'm not sure what's up with me.

I have just recently stopped working 24/7. I stopped because I became incapable of performing well due to overwork. Part of my poor performance is my slipping ability to maintain my anger. I am angry absolutely all of the time at absolutely everything there is. I control most of it, only a little bit gets through- Its very hard for me to hurt others and I also can't stop believing that somehow, I have the power to set everything right- but that's another problem all-together. I am never satisfied and will wear myself out trying to put everything in order- you know, as it should be. I don't know why I do it or why I can't stop and I'm tired and am starting to lose control. This is not what I wanted to be. Despite that, I can not stop being mad. It's all I can do not to flip out on people. When my anger becomes too strong I become unconcerned about the consequences of my actions and do and/or say things that destroy my life, though it is hard to say I'm actually destroying it when I pretty much torture myself all the time, anyway. I used to do drugs all the time and was a very heavy drinker. When my anger gets bad like this I feel a strong desire to go back to the old ways because it kept me from flipping out. However, drugs and alcohol had some pretty long-term effects and I also didn't like who I was on them. the WORST PART of what I just said is the reason I didnt like who I was when I was on alcohol and drugs is because they RELAXED me and KEPT ME FROM BEING MORE PRODUCTIVE AND IN COMPLETE CONTROL. My desire to be in control is stronger than my desire TO BE HAPPY. Holy Jesus. It is kind of funny despite how uncomfortable it is.
I think my crazy need to be in control comes from the gut feeling that if I fail everyone will hate me.
No matter how I reason with myself I will never stop believing that.
Everyone WILL hate me if I fail, let's face it. Some things are just reality.
Meanwhile, I feel like I'm dragging around dead weight, albeit weight that I genuinely care for as I generally do for things that feel.
If only that weight wasn't so cruel and/or indifferent.
I'll bet you guys think I have a problem, right?
To be honest, I don't know. Is being really angry actually a problem? It seems somewhat rational.

Being angry can be the sign of other problems - yeh. You mentioned 'dead weight' - What sort of weight are you referring to here? If it's things such as 'friends', possessions, etc; then you have no obligation to hang onto them. In my life, I have repeatedly 'jumped ship' into a new life, and left everything behind me. I seem to 'outlive' friendships and then have to move on, changing my email and phone number as I do. So, maybe this point in time is one where you should jump ship too and create a whole new life for yourself. By the way, anger can be lessened by medication... If you are feeling up to it, then go to your local doctor! Sorry, I had to mention this as I feel that it would be best.

Kevin

Anger is natural.
How you deal with it can be the problem...

As a rule...

yea. the dead weight is definitely people. I love these people, though. they even love me, too- there's no mistaking it, even though they do not help. I am thinking about seeing a doctor pretty seriously. I usually avoid these kinds of things, but I'm seeing no way around it if I want to be realistic. I can't just meltdown.

thanks, S.G.

Read Intermittent Explosive Disorder thread?