Angry husband. Advice needed.

I'm tired of living with a constantly angry man. I want to know what kind of help we can seek and how to make things better. I want to know I don't have to live with this forever. I feel that as a wife, there's only so much i can do, I can't be his constant cheerleader, not when he is screaming hate at me.

Background:
My husband has an equally angry father. He was brought up in a home with no love, where he was belittled and told he was not good enough. I feel that his anger issues are both inherited and perpetuated by his parents. He didnt do well in school and has a negative outlook towards life. He is highly insecure, gets triggered easily even by what I think are neutral comments. Because of his insecure nature, he constantly looks at blaming others when things go wrong. I see a pattern every time he has a new job and he has had many jobs. He starts a new job and enjoys it at first > he starts to find someone at the workplace to hate > this person may be outspoken and has led him to feel small and that he's good enough > he hates the person so much, he talks about killing him/her > he downright hates his job and finds a new job > goes to a new job and the cycle continues.

He collects unhappy memories. A trigger now can bring up memories from 20 years ago. Yesterday, he shared a weblink with a friend he considers as someone he can be a mentor to. The friend replied with a message that he thought the website was lacking in content and not as good as he though. He went ballistic. He wanted to end the friendship right there and then. He talked about how no one respects him and that people don't think he's good enough. He brought up his parents, how much he hates them, how this friend and that disrespected him, how his colleagues make snarky comments at him. How I don't care about him when i try to defend them and make him see things in a different light. He was screaming swear words at the top of his voice, just kicking around, throwing his phone, wanting to destroy things and breathing hardly. It ended with him injuring his back and now he can't walk and had to get injections for the pain.

His anger issues have been getting progressively worse. Now, his episodes include shouting expletives at the top of his voice, kicking doors, throwing stuff, verbally abusing me. I am not even the trigger. He holds on to a comment and takes it out on me. He presents a calm surface in front of others. No one knows that he is like that except his family and me.

He has gone through counselling and two separate anger management therapy sessions that lasted from 4 to 8 weeks. But he doesnt practise what he has learnt. What can I do? What help can i seek? The past is the past, how can he let those memories go? His anger has progressed to the stage where it is destructive, he has broken things at home and now he has hurt his back and has a pay a hefty medical fee. I am contemplating leaving him too. He is too damaged and I am losing hope.

You can’t change other people. Most of us have a difficult time changing ourselves. Please be safe. Leaving an abusive relationship is dangerous. Please seek guidance from your local domestic violence services.

Welcome Enoughisenough and I'm sorry you're going through this .

I think you know the answer to this situation , as painful as it may be . Thegentlepath is right - you cannot change him , nor can you make him change himself . You deserve a life without abuse from a person who cannot or will not get help .

Please take great care if you do make plans to leave . TGP's suggestion of consulting domestic violence services is an excellent one .

enoughisenough2020 wrote:I'm tired of living with a constantly angry man. I want to know what kind of help we can seek and how to make things better. I want to know I don't have to live with this forever. I feel that as a wife, there's only so much i can do, I can't be his constant cheerleader, not when he is screaming hate at me.

Background:
My husband has an equally angry father. He was brought up in a home with no love, where he was belittled and told he was not good enough. I feel that his anger issues are both inherited and perpetuated by his parents. He didnt do well in school and has a negative outlook towards life. He is highly insecure, gets triggered easily even by what I think are neutral comments. Because of his insecure nature, he constantly looks at blaming others when things go wrong. I see a pattern every time he has a new job and he has had many jobs. He starts a new job and enjoys it at first > he starts to find someone at the workplace to hate > this person may be outspoken and has led him to feel small and that he's good enough > he hates the person so much, he talks about killing him/her > he downright hates his job and finds a new job > goes to a new job and the cycle continues.

He collects unhappy memories. A trigger now can bring up memories from 20 years ago. Yesterday, he shared a weblink with a friend he considers as someone he can be a mentor to. The friend replied with a message that he thought the website was lacking in content and not as good as he though. He went ballistic. He wanted to end the friendship right there and then. He talked about how no one respects him and that people don't think he's good enough. He brought up his parents, how much he hates them, how this friend and that disrespected him, how his colleagues make snarky comments at him. How I don't care about him when i try to defend them and make him see things in a different light. He was screaming swear words at the top of his voice, just kicking around, throwing his phone, wanting to destroy things and breathing hardly. It ended with him injuring his back and now he can't walk and had to get injections for the pain.

His anger issues have been getting progressively worse. Now, his episodes include shouting expletives at the top of his voice, kicking doors, throwing stuff, verbally abusing me. I am not even the trigger. He holds on to a comment and takes it out on me. He presents a calm surface in front of others. No one knows that he is like that except his family and me.

He has gone through counselling and two separate anger management therapy sessions that lasted from 4 to 8 weeks. But he doesnt practise what he has learnt. What can I do? What help can i seek? The past is the past, how can he let those memories go? His anger has progressed to the stage where it is destructive, he has broken things at home and now he has hurt his back and has a pay a hefty medical fee. I am contemplating leaving him too. He is too damaged and I am losing hope.

This is going to sound odd but does he calm down after having a drink of Coffe?

The first thing is your husband has to realize he has a problem otherwise nobody can help him...
Being a prior Angry Husband the questioned posed about does he drink coffee struck an interesting cord. It so happens that I used to drink an Abnormal amount of coffee and consumed extreme amounts of salt with my food. What I found was by changing my diet and going to herbal teas and drastically reducing my salt intake it helped to eliminate my temper flares and impulse reactions like breaking things or just flying off the handle...the other thing is I realized I had a problem with my Anger and wanted to change before someone got injured or hurt. Thanks for posting the question about the coffee to most it would sound odd but it plays a major roll in Anger management.

Wow... Your description of your husband reminds me so much of myself.
Angry father.
Me always angry for years...
Underachieved because of these issues.
The difference between the two of us is, that while he takes out his anger on others, I could NEVER stand to watch someone suffer because I had.
Sorry to be blunt, but... I think HE should be on this forum, not you.
That's like taking pain-killers because your foot is caught in a bear trap, my dear.
Doesn't work, you should spring the trap.
Either convince your man to get some help before he hurts someone, or get out before he endangers you.
I've been in that situation (me about to hurt others), but I would get out to prevent it. I decided to stay alone forever so I wouldn't put my hurt on someone I loved.
What really helped me is caring for others. Maybe if your husband got a chance to do community work or something, to GIVE to people who have it worse than him, he would turn it around.