I am abusive and I want to stop.

I am an abusive wife. I have been violent to my husband. This hurts both of us.
My mental health diagnoses are Complex PTSD as well as Bipolar Disorder.
I am on three medications which I take regularly. I was a pothead for many years but I am almost one year sober.

I saw a therapist for two years. We unpacked my abusive childhood as well as coping mechanisms for anger management. I notice that I am able to refrain from being violent for 6 months to a 1 year. I have also noticed that exercise, prayer and journaling helps. One problem I have is I tend to think that I no longer need my coping mechanisms when I am doing well. Now I realize that anger management is a lifelong problem that requires such measures forever.

My therapist suggested that I tell my husband what my triggers are. I have done so to no avail. My husband can be very stubborn and selfish. If I ask him to stop doing something with upsets me, he will promise me that the behavior will stop and then do the same thing again. He does not listen when I ask him nicely several times. Only screaming and hitting gets through to him. I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't feel respected or heard otherwise. I have asked my husband to go to marriage counseling but he refuses because he doesn't believe in it. He has admitted to being a procrastinator and not caring about certain things which leads to not doing what he promises. I have told my husband ad nauseam that I do not only think of what I want because that attitude has no place in a marriage. I don't expect mu husband to do whatever I say but I do expect him to keep his word.

Neither of us want to divorce so we are hanging on for now. I feel very sad and disappointed in myself. I also feel worn out emotionally. I hate screaming and being violent. I feel helpless and out of control when my husband breaks his promises again and again. I am so tired of repeating myself. My husband says that he hates to see me so upset that I am screaming at him and crying. Now he says that I will not have to ask more than twice. I doubt that very much. My husband believes that I can heal because he has seen me give up weed. Before we met, I also learned to stop cutting myself and attempting suicide. My husband and I get along well 90% of the time.

I would ask that anyone who responds refrains from being mean but I also know that I deserve angry and horrified reactions. I am an damaged and broken woman. I am a damaged and broken individual. I posted this thread to receive help as well as keep me accountable. I plan on posting every day until I no longer have this issue.

Thank you for reading.

Hello,

big hugs if wanted.

This is a complex and multi-dimensional situation. And I definitely wouldn't call say you "deserve angry and horrified reactions". The problem here is two-fold, because while you are working on yourself and on getting help, your husband pretty much doesn't. From what you wrote here, which obviously is one side of the story (and I am NOT a relationship counsellor! I've just been in an abusive relationship myself) it's a bit like a person who has diabetes saying "I refuse insulin, work out something else", then if you magically DO work out something else they refuse that as well.

Of course I understand you don't want a divorce. But perhaps a "vacation" from each other could be helpful? My personal definition of a good relationship, and you can disagree with it of course, is – I have a good relationship with a person, not just romantic, any relationship, if both of us feel happier for having each other in our lives. Is that the case with you and your husband?

I am a firm believer that violence never solves any problem, except when it is a response to violence which is already aimed at you (i.e. self-defence). But at the same time dealing with C-PTSD and bipolar with someone unsupportive as your significant other is never going to be an easy thing... Yes, perhaps you can "heal" if you can give up smoking weed, but can he heal himself...?

I'm sorry I don't really have a good "solution" for you.

Wishing you all the best and, indeed, please keep on posting!

Oliveira has made some excellent points in his post here. Just want to add that you can't change someone's behavior if he's unwilling to do so, and it's a selfishness when he is well aware of your triggers but continues to trash all the hard work you've done on yourself.

"I have asked my husband to go to marriage counseling but he refuses because he doesn't believe in it."

If he truly values the relationship, he should go with you to marriage counseling. He needs to take a good hard look at why he keeps triggering you when he already knows what triggers you and work on himself as well. It may be that he's addicted to drama to keep life from getting too boring for him, or whatever the reason is, but that procrastinator excuse doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

I've used this tactic before with a person known to ride rough-shod on others: "How would you feel if I played on your triggers like it was some kind of a game?" (Everybody has some kind of trigger(s), including your partner, no bull.)

Betcha he wouldn't like it.

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Ever1 ,

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NSR