It is mostly about anger

As the title of the thread says, this will mostly be about anger. However, I would like to tell you some things about myself, as to connect the dots, and perhaps one of you will see something I have not. I do not desire to be judged, nor will I NEVER judge anyone. If you do not intend to read all of this, and still feel like commenting then I can only ask you nicely to just DON'T.
Now that is out of the way.

I would like to remain anonymous, for my part, so lets call me Salute or Mr. Nobody. The choice is yours.

To be honest I cannot remember much of my past, since I have spend so much time trying to forget, but for some reason I only seem to forget the times where I was remotely happy. I have heard that you usually only remember times where you felt something strongly, or perhaps it only accounts for people with a bad memory? Well, I wouldn't know. I have been an addict since I was 12 years old, more or less. Got drunk the first time when I was nine together with a friend, that much I do remember. Though, alcohol has never been what I prefer. I have tried much of everything, except for drugs involving needles - they scare me. But what has stuck through all the years is marijuana, and I am actually thankful that none of the others things I have tried stuck to me. I cannot control myself once I get started, and that is also where the anger comes in.

I am now 24 years old. There has been many outbursts of anger in the house I grew up in. My father was and still am an alcoholic, but he has never hurt me or my sister physically - only verbally. My mother is always working, always busy. From a very young age I was told to sit patiently and wait, if I could not do it myself. In the beginning I did not feel as angry, and I cannot say when that changed - it is something I have forgotten.

I have been close to hurting people around me more times than I care to remember, and I mean really hurt them. Luckily someone almost always managed to stop me, and once I managed to stop myself, but it has happened twice that I knocked some teeth out from some of my old friends. For that very reason I have choosen not to have any friends or relations, and that is no lie. There are no one out there who I can call friend. There was once, but he died. I really do not wish to hurt anyone, but I am afraid what I am capable of. It does not take much for me to shout out in anger, and every time it happens I end up destroying things. You should look at my apartment at times. I have barely anything left, and I cannot afford to replace it, but that is not my main concern. These are only things, after all. I feel like no matter how hard I try, there is someone or something that do not wish to see me success at anything. I may just be blaming it for my own shortcomings, but I really feel like I am trying. A couple of years back I decided that I wanted to change, once and for all. First I went into rehab, and I was clean for a time, but the anger never left me. Actually it only got worse and worse, so I figured the only thing that could calm me was going back to what I was, but now not even the marijuana takes away my anger. For that reason I decided to stop smoking after new years eve, and I have stuck to it so far, but this anger pumping in my blood.. It is undeniable.

I have talked to many different kinds of doctors, social workers, and people who specialise in mental illness and psychological trauma/illness. They all say the same thing, but in a different way. Forgive yourself and let go of that anger. Well, I have no idea how I do that, and either do they. I have tried more tips to control my anger than I remember, I have tried meditation, countless of breathing exercises, and normal exercise, ofcourse. None of it never worked, and talking to someone has never gotten me anywhere, but I really have no clue about what to do. Now I am also losing the ability to sleep.

I do have a theory about my anger, since I never finished anything in my life. I am still struggling through school because I have stopped and started quite a few times by now. I have never held a job for more than 4 months, and everyone around me seemed to depise me, even before I chose not to approach anyone. I have never known, and I still do not, what it is that I have done so horribly wrong and I probably never will. My head breams with wonderful visions and dreams, but I know I can never live up to them or realise them - I just do not have the means. However, what I want in life is very simple. My best friend, who are now dead, was like me. We shared the same dream - just to be "normal" and find our place, our peaceful place. After his death - I have never felt so angry.

Do not get me wrong, I have tried countless times to follow my dreams. However, something or someone always gets in the way. That is the way it feels, anyway. However, depist that I am still trying and I am still working, but it never amounts to anything. I am stuck in the place I started.

Sometimes I do get release when I smoke and drink at the same time, then I can shed tears and finally find some peace, but only for a while. As soon as the buss leaves it comes back around, if you know what I mean. Sometimes I am just tempted to do, like my friend, and continue on this path till it takes the life of me.. Because I do not have the guts to take my own life, either.

I am trying to think that maybe one day I can actually use this anger for something positive, but who can say if that day will ever come? And if It don't, then why am I so angry? It is not easy keeping this line of thought when you just want to scream and destroy everything. I seriously also hate this world, not the nature itself, but the world that we created. So much misery and pain, but no one does a thing. We just keep repeating history till the day we kill each other off - what a humanity. Now I am not interested in discussing politics or religion - only history, if need be.

This world does not endorse fools, and I am a fool. Are there anyone who can tell me a place where I might find what I am looking for? Or is there something I have completely overlooked? Please tell me. I have no idea anymore.

To clarify; I love the nature and the world is so beautful, but I am so far from it. What helps the most to calm me these days are music like Enya plays, but it only helps for a short while.. Then I am back. Well, at least part of me is back.

I made a few spelling errors, but English isn't my first language. I hope you can still understand what I wrote. In the beginning I meant to write "EVER"
Well, there are other mistakes as well. Anyway, I will leave it at that.

You are welcome to write your own story here, in case you are wondering. Maybe I can learn from your experiences.

I just want to clarify something even further; I made the decision not to have any friends or relations when I was around 17 - 18 years old. I have found comfort in movies, music, anime, games, books, etc. I really love the characters, and wish I could be like them. The one I look up to the most is Shinji Ikari. Explains my avatar

One last thing - I met my best friend in rehab.

One last thing I forgot. My parents are not together. That will be the end of it

Hi Salute!

I have also had experiences of anger in my life. I also have a father who drinks not very much but daily (and sometimes more than he should). My stepmother that I've grown up with was also very aggressive and angry but I don't believe this is too relevant.

I read your posts twice and I would really like to try and help. I have attended a few courses and seminars abroad of certain Eastern healing practices that have helped me greatly in my own life. First I'd like to say that just like everyone else I only have limited wisdom, and I have never met you or know all the details of your life so my view or analysis of your situation might be skewed. Nevertheless I hope that my comments would at least give you some food for thought or guidance to help you overcome your problem.

Everyone has their own faults. I strongly believe that we are in this world in order for us to overcome our faults and this is part of life (but this is another conversation and is irrelevant). People try to hide and ignore their problems. This is perfectly normal. Noticing your problem and being willing to do something about it is a very hard and important step of the process towards getting over one of these flaws.

In one of the courses that I took I learned about psycho traumas. Apparently psycho traumas affect our emotions to the point where we cannot behave like ourselves or rationally in certain situations. A psycho trauma is an event in our past in which our emotions were essentially overloaded and we could not actually perceive the event as it happened. Each individual can have hundreds if not thousands of these psycho traumas that can affect them. When we experience this emotional overload we often cannot remember it properly since we could not perceive it properly. It scares us and we do not let ourselves think about it because it brings back those emotions that we felt and sometimes those events can become suppressed and forgotten. You can think of this as an emotional wound. The problem comes when we face events similar to the original one that caused the psycho trauma. The common events can bring back some of the emotions felt in the past and we are very sensitive to these just like an open wound. The emotions felt are strong and cause us to misinterpret the reality of the situation so it ends up affecting us every time.

Here is where I cannot tell you what is your psycho trauma or what sort of situation you are sensitive to, but I am fairly certain you have one or more type of events that cause you a great deal of frustration and anger towards things or people essentially causing you to over react. I assume in certain situations you believe the other person might be trying to hurt you badly but instead maybe they are just being a dick.

I was told there are multiple ways of getting over psycho traumas. I was taught one method which is essentially a fully conscious guided "hypnosis" through the events without actually feeling any of the emotions felt during the traumatic event. It is a very efficient method and it can give dramatic results within a few sessions. The idea behind healing through reliving the event is that you can perceive the event as it happened and it allows you to finally process the event and your emotions properly.

It sounds like you also have a problem with just having too much anger. I've been told that consuming alcohol can increase an individuals aggressiveness in the long run. Also consuming meat increases aggressiveness in the short run. Personally I find that sexual frustration can cause anger. These might be contributing factors but not the source of the problem. I don't know if you've been given this advice before but have you invested in a punching bag or something else that you can use to divert this anger onto? If you have anger and aggression in you you have to try and let it out and only focus it on some sort of object. It is much like sexual tension it has to be relieved otherwise if it is pent up it makes us do irrational things.

I don't like the world we have created too much either but it is a result of pure human behavior. I believe humanity pulls in two directions. The evil comes from the selfishness of our egos, and the good comes from the love and compassion we have for one another. Unfortunately in our society and our times it is usually the bad that always surfaces in people, however there is still plenty of good out there that will never die out! We must use that good and add our own that way we contribute to the creation and not aid in the destruction of our world.

People might not respond friendly to those who portray aggressiveness. Many people have been aggressor by others in their past and they become defensive sometimes even if the aggression is not directed towards them. They might have psycho traumas related to it. I believe this might be relevant for you since you say you have anger in you and you think people despise you. It could be that they are simply reacting to the way they perceive you.

I think its always good to end on a happy note. I also love nature and I'm glad that you can appreciate it. Unfortunately there are some that do not let themselves truly enjoy and appreciate the beauty of nature. Your love for nature is a wonderful aspect of your personality and is something you can get in touch with whenever you need to lift your spirits .

Hey LoveAndPeace!

I really appreciate the reponse, I really do. You may be wondering why my username has slightly changed*, but I felt like a fool after writing this.. I definitely stepped out of my comfort zone, and I also felt I overstepped my boundaries. It is not like I have ever been diagnosed with anything, and felt perhaps I do not belong here, after all. It is guaranteed that I would have deleted this thread, if I could. I take comfort in knowing no one knows who I am. Phew!
Anyway, I have actually written to the board asking them to reactive my profile, but it may take some time. Therefore, I made this in order to reponse to you. Since you took the time, it is the least I can do.
* [*mod edit* Ada sorted out the usernames so it's all under the same account again.]

You do not have to hold back whenever talking to me, and I learn a lot from just observing.

To tell you the truth, it is not like I am scared about what lies in the past. It is more like I am really regretful about the things that I have done, and the things I did not do. Everytime I do get into thinking about the past, I easily get filled with regret. Therefore, I take any means necessary to distract myself. I am afraid it became a bit too much, after I had written this thread. Had a relapse, but I also realised something else. I get very easily obsessive about things, and when I wrote this thread I was definitely not feeling too well. I was merely feeding that side of me by writting this, but at the same time it also felt somewhat nice to get off my chest. I am split here.
That is also another one of my problems that can anger me A LOT - I am so indecisive that basically every time I have a dilemma before me, I always see at least two outcomes, and I can never decide. I have been using a coin lately to make my decisions, but it tends to make the wrong decisions for me. Well, at least at times. I just follow it blindly. A coin flip is sacred, after all. Like making a promise to someone, but it is not like I always have kept my promises. Far from it.

I remember the last day me and my best friend were together. Funny enough we were talking about Singularity, and I saw the fear in his eyes. He was REALLY afraid of dying, and few days later he did. I cannot tell if this is supposed to be symbolic or merely a coincidence, but that is how it happened.

Perhaps hypnosis could work, but my mind tend to tell me stuff like this isn't real. I have felt like going crazy for real more times than I remember, and I also have felt like I have almost lost myself in more than one occassion, but somehow, for some reason my mind always managed to turn it around, and I realised something every time. I wish I could just blackout at times and wake up when it is all over. I guess that is not how it works. Even when I sit late at night, with blood red eyes, and I barely can see straight, then my mind is still working at full capacity. Well, more or less. But it was the same last night - I was sitting telling myself to go to bed, because I could barely keep my eyes open, but I stayed awake and I realised I get very obsessive easily.

I do get calmer when I influence myself with these substances, but the problem is the ever lasting hunting for more, if you know what I mean. Always worried about needing to have enough for tomorrow, always worried about whether or not I can make it, etc. If only it was possible to have enough, huh? Well, I suppose you can never have enough. Even if I had more, I am sure I would want even more than that.

Might also mention that my sexuality is actually quite high, or however you would want to put it. Well, I only watch adult entertainment when it is. Thought about escorts, but paying for sex is not my style, either. So, yeah, no
I had a girlfriend once, so I am no virgin. I was 16 years old, and after a half year together I broke up with her. It is not like I did not care about her, but at that time I was starting to pull away from everyone. Hated that I had to hurt her, but I was certain if we continued I would hurt her even more some day. It was the best for us both, and I still believe that. Well, somewhat.

I am glad I am not the only one sharing these views about humanity. I do believe there is some good in this world, but I haven't found it yet. I will keep looking, though. I don't think giving up is in my nature, even if I do want to some times.

The nature is really beautiful, isn't it? I love standing by the shore, looking at the sea, and listeng to music. I also love the rain, the smell, and the cool wind in my lungs when taking a deep breathe. Makes me feel connected, at least for a while

Another funny thing. I was having a dream when I finally went to sleep. I dreamt that someone responsed to this thread, and then I work up. First I was uncertain if it was really a dream or not. Then I looked here, and saw your response. I was probably just hoping for it to happen, but funny coincidence again ^_^

Thanks again!

P.S. I have thought about a punching bag, and maybe I should revisit the idea. Or the hypnosis thing. I will look it over

I will end this with one of my favorite quotes. Might teach you something about me.

"Nobody understands me.
You never understood anything.
I thought this was supposed to be a world without pain, and without uncertainty.
That's because you thought that everyone else felt the same as you do.
You betrayed me! You betrayed my feelings!
You misunderstood from the very beginning. You just believed what you wanted to believe.
Nobody wants me, so they can all just die.
Then what is your hand for?
Nobody cares whether or not I exist. Nothing ever changes, so they can all just die.
Then tell me, what is your heart for?
It would be better if I never existed. I should just die, too.
Then why are you here?
I-is it okay for me to be here?"
- The End of Evangelion

Forgot to mention I am probably influenced by the Hedgehog's dilemma

Another reason why I adore Shinji Ikari so

An obsessive fact about me; I felt like I needed to add that I like taking walks. Especially in forests and at night when the moon is out and the stars. Too bad I live in the city, but when I was at rehab. That was out in the open, and the beach was near. Very nice, that

Also, I think I fall in love with every woman that shows me some interest, or perhaps just the idea of falling in love. I always play out a future in my mind, with me and the given woman. Perhaps I am just lonely. Well, I tend to over imagine things. Things are never like it is in my mind. Something I have learned on many occassions. Unfortunately

And I have been with a few other women since I broke up with my ex-girlfriend, all those years ago. But it never developed into any kind of relationships. Well, it has been quite a while since the last time, though. If I remember correctly, then I had just turned 19 years old the last time I was with a woman.