Rage from living with parents who were abusive in the past.

I'm 22, soon to be 23 and still living at home with my parents due to agoraphobia. My father has been sexually and physically abusive to me in the past and my mother has ignored it all for the sake of money. This happened all through my childhood which has left me in a sad state of depression and anxiety. I have suicidal thoughts often but meditation and practicing gratitude soon dissolves those thoughts.

They're no longer abusive toward me, however I still feel a gigantic amount of murderous rage that I inside me every time I even look at my parents (which is often, since they barge into my bedroom without knocking a lot). If I'm going to get out of this situation I need to learn to overcome this rage.

Do you have any tips in overcoming this rage when I see them?

Thanks c:

Boxe.

I went through that kind of rage, too. I got into therapy with a relationship therapist and worked on this load of rage. It's like a latent volcano inside, and it needs an outlet to get out the pressure. I found that meditation and forgiveness was way too tame and just kept the volcano still alive. Ditto for imagining peaceful scenes and seascapes and such silly stuff, including breathing exercises. The rage needs to be discharged with the same force as when you need to vomit when you get sick to your stomach. Imagine someone advising you to lie down and imagine a pretty beach scene when what you need to do is vomit and get the rotten stuff out of your body!

With my T's guidance, I worked on expressing the rage by talking in therapy and action at home. If I were alone I would get a club and beat on a stack of phone books, yelling and cussing, as I thought of what my perps did to me. If I couldn't be alone, I would go out in the car at night and yell into a pillow. All that anger is like a tsunami of sludge inside that is poison physically and mentally, and all dammed up. After a bout of rage, I would have relief from anxiety and all the other symptoms, and get a good night's sleep. One way the therapist helps is if you feel guilty or scared you have broken old rules by being so expressive of rage. Is also important to keep this anger off other people. Also, if you say you might get so angry you'll really hurt someone, that is self-sabotage and delaying what you need to do. Expressing the anger in safe ways prevents you from getting out of control. Anger is empowering and relieves the body and mind when so much is built up inside.

When that projects gets done sufficiently, there is then just the ordinary anger that comes up sometimes over present things. My T advised me not to hit and scream at my perps, as they can't take it. But tell them when and if you can be calm about it. maybe some time later when anger is under control better. Eventually, it does need to be said to the one that it belongs to if possible. I found that rage expression is one of those things that really responded and made rapid improvements in how I felt. I went through all this some years ago and it saved my life, literally.