aggression problem

Ever since I was little,( I'm 34 now), I've had this aggression or anger problem. My mom would always tell me to hit a pillow instead of my brother. So I'm not sure if that got me used to hitting things when I'm mad or not. When I started puberty, it got really bad. I was 13 when I had a fight with my parents and grabbed a knife and threatened to kill myself. I also got mad at them and completely trashed my room and left it like that for months refusing to clean it. I've always had a temper. I've never beat anyone up, I'm too scared for that. But I've screamed, thrown fits, and have gotten physical on some boyfriends and even my ex and current husbands. I'm not sure why I do it. I know its wrong when I do, but at that moment, I don't care. I have 4 girls ages 3-12. I am sometimes too patient with them, to the point that they don't listen so much. When I do snap, I yell at them, sometimes spank, smack their hands or I've even shoved them away, not to where they'd fall, but to say back off. I've seen my kids act out their anger in the same way towards each other. I know I'm responsible, but don't know how to correct what I've started. This is all I know on how to deal with anger. I don't think, I just act, poorly. I wish I knew I was like this. I wasn't physically abused when I was a kid. Got some emotional from my step dad, though. I want to stop, help.

I think what you're describing is the common melt down problem in those who haven't learned appropriate ways to communicate their frustration and think of what it is they really want.

I think maybe with parenting you should try and middle level approach. Have you read the book "123 Magic"? It suggests a better approach at communicating with what you want your children to do, and makes an important statement that often parents want to reason with their children as if they are little adults, and while reasoning is okay, sometimes kids just want to argue and manipulate you, and not to understand why your rules and expectations are the way they are.

I would recommend you approach a psychologist about your anger management issues as they can be very damaging to yourself, and more importantly to others around you.

Thank you for understanding. I'll definitely check into that book. I often have a hard time explaining what I want period. My husband says I spend too much time reasoning with them and says they push me over all the time. I try to reason, because I know when I get angry, I'm not a good person. I try so hard not to get there, but my husband and kids keep pushing me mentally. You were describing me well. Again thank you.

-- Sun Jun 15, 2014 6:01 am --

Thank you for understanding. I'll definitely check into that book. I often have a hard time explaining what I want period. My husband says I spend too much time reasoning with them and says they push me over all the time. I try to reason, because I know when I get angry, I'm not a good person. I try so hard not to get there, but my husband and kids keep pushing me mentally. You were describing me well. Again thank you.

It is important to be able to reason with children, but I think that your problem could be your expectations of their acceptance of your reasoning.

The book states some of these problems, especially with the parents who want to be practical and reason with their kids as if they were adults, but what happens is a lot of them end up gravitating towards yelling and/or spanking when their kids still continue to push them after they've tried the friendly and logical reasoning.

It helps to try the method of reasoning once giving them a chance to correct the behavior, then counting 2, and then 3, and then implementing the consequence. Sending them out of the room for a timeout somewhere other than their own room is the best option to give you and the child a timeout to reflect before either of you get angry. I know it seems rather strange, but getting a light punishment/consequence typically is a lot less traumatizing than being screamed at. That just makes them yell back and causes both of you to say what you will regret, as well as self esteem issues.

Besides books, there are counselors who can help with this. I would try to get it in control though. One thing kids remember the most about their parents is how they handled their frustration. I remember my dad the most for his temper and yelling when I was growing up. Even though he tried and didn't want it to come to that, the fact is that it stuck with him.

I can't afford to see a therapist, that's why I'm here. Who is the author of the book. If you getting your info from this book, it will help me a lot. My step dad mentally abused me when I was younger, but he's a great man. I remember almost every bad work he called me. That's one thing I don't us call my children names. I know how that feels. All my kids take their anger and frustration out on each other physically and I know its because that how they see me. I feel awful!! I MUST change myself. My other biggest problem being consistent. I flip flop a lot and it makes it confusing. My mom died when I was 19 and had to do this on my own. You seem very wise. Has this book helped you?

The author is Thomas Phelan.

I think sometimes you may expect a behavior change in your kids, but they don't comply, then you feel the need to try and get them under your control through harsh methods.

Also, I wasn't able to afford therapy until my new insurance kicked in from the market place, so I understand, but just realize that help you get from people on a forum is going to be insufficient at best, even though it can help.

The book strongly discourages spanking. For me, I say if you feel that spanking is working and you don't feel you're using it to release your frustration, but to help your child, then so be it, but I don't think you feel good about yourself when you spank your children. Teaching kids a lesson in carrying out their consequences isn't going to feel good most of the time, but you should at least feel what you did was fair.

My psychologist told me to try taking a break before responding to an argument on the internet as one of my problems, and then returning to the issue later after I thought it out.

One thing you could try, is make a 5-10 minute wait rule before yelling or spanking. Tell them to go take a time out and wait for you, and then think about it for five to ten minutes and ask if what your first impulse to do was really fair and justified. If you feel you should spank them after that, then you carry it out when you're calm. If you feel that you were just responding to your anger and aggression impulse, you go and have a calm talk instead.

I looked the books and videos online. I've got my library trying to get it for me. They were too expensive for me to buy. It looks like a really good series. I was pleased to see a book for teenagers and acceptable punishments. I have a hard time figuring what is an appropriate punishment for all of them.

I just wish the 5-10 minute rule would work when my husband gets mad. He also has a problem reacting before thinking. He mostly yells, sometimes breaks things. I try to leave for a time out, but he always follows me and continues. I don't get a chance to calm down. I get called weak for walking away. I will try the time out rule for my kids. I know it will work, just have to get in a new routine. I have a hard time disciplining myself as well. I'll keep ya posted.

You'll need to collaborate with your husband and work on the same discipline plan together.

If the kids see you're not on the same team, they'll use that against you.

If you both decide you want to at least experiment with effective spanking as part of discipline, try and read the website "Chastise with Love" that shows proper techniques to make it fair and without anger. I think maybe if you try the 5-10 minute break period before spanking though, you'll end up not doing it very much because if you take some time to think and reflect first, you'll come up with a better way to discipline and teach better behavior than spanking.

I think you'll be happier after you get you get the discipline in your household without yelling and fighting though. Don't engage in that kind of behavior towards your kids whether you spank or not. That's just going to ruin the bond between you and your children over time and make them know your weaknesses and just what upsets you.