My alcoholism started when I first met my bf two years ago. He was/is an alcoholic and I was definitely drinking too much already so when we met all we did was constantly drink together. We were both going through a lot of heavy $#%^ so I guess it makes sense. It was easy to excuse it because we were both still functioning despite getting $#%^ faced every single night. Pretty much everyone around us knew we had problems with alcohol and would address it but we were both like whatever about it. For two straight years now I've said I'm not an alcoholic because drinking hasn't done anything to destroy my life. However...
We started living together a year ago. And I seriously think we've drank almost every single night since then unless we were too hungover. And even then we frequently use alcohol to combat the hangovers. Idk how I didn't realize it was a problem before. Denial I guess? Until drinking started to destroy our relationship because we only argue when we're drunk and they are NASTY arguments. I have emotional issues in general but when I'm drunk they're so bad. We have a lot of history and it's not all good so I just become this horrible human being who says awful $#%^ I don't mean and the worst part is I don't even remember it half the time. I ######6 hate the person I am when I'm super drunk. It's the version of me that is angry and resentful...which isn't who I am sober, or in general. And he also becomes aggressive and REALLY sad when he drinks as well. It just brings out the ugly in both of us.
Anyway. We're separate (not broken up) right now partly because of other reasons but I think largely because of us constantly arguing while drunk. During our last argument I ###$ up really bad and was completely out of line. And I'm having a really hard time right now being apart just because we're always together so it's like "wtf do I do now?" kinda feeling. And I've been drinking to deal with that feeling and I feel like I'm just NOW realizing how damaging it's been and just like. My first go-to coping skill is to drink. I didn't realize how bad it was till now cus I'm still drinking despite the damage and he's not around..so it's not just us being together that makes me drink. If that makes sense. I'm still drinking with or without us enabling each other. I mean I guess I knew before the drinking was a problem but it was easy to excuse in my head.
I just wanna drink all the time! I hate being sober. And it's ###$ because I have physical symptoms as well. Like I'll be shaky while sober. I'm just obviously addicted to alcohol and am acknowledging it finally...and I wanna get sober, and not destroy what's left of my relationship, but I have no clue how the hell people actually get sober. I don't wanna go to rehab. Idk though. I have no clue what I'm doing.