Why do some mothers/fathers control/abuse their children?

Why do they do it? Is it out of jealousy? Scared their children will succeed in what they failed??

I am just trying to understand because I am a victim of it, and I am trying to recover. I have asked my mother this, and this only fueled another verball and physical encounter that I regret. Also, she doesn't really see anything wrong with what she does.

Parents have a lot of things to worry about in their lives (bills, food, wellfare of their children, etc.). So, they have less time to think constructively about things. When a sudden problem therefore arises, they typically shout due to sheer frustration and lock-up anger. It's nothing to do with jealousy... ...it's just one of those things that happens in life.

If you want to, tell your parents that it hurts you when they shout at you. Don't say this in a threatening tone, however, just say it in your regular calm tone.

Kevin

It's usually about unresolved issues in their own lives.

Our children have a rather 'unhandy' knack of being mirrors back to us, parents can see so much of themselves in their children, and this can trigger feelings of childhood shame and guilt (strong powerful emotions) right back at the parent. If a parent has not resolved their own issues from childhood with their parents then it manifests itself in abusive behaviour towards their own children. There's a lot to the statement that you can't be a parent yourself until you've resolved your own parents parenting. Or something like that....

Anyway, that is one suggestion of why parents abuse. Others are because they don't have the willpower? to hold onto their anger, or perhaps abusive and bad parenting was modelled for them and they don't have the ability or drive to find out how to be a better parent.

Bad parenting is also about being lazy. It takes energy to be a good parent, it's easy to be neglectful and self indulgent.

To be a parent you need to be sacrificing, selfless, understanding, inherently patient and actually enjoy being a parent. Many parents fall short of this, it's a tough call. Most slip somewhere in the middle, a bit angry and uncontrollable at times, but for the most part are really trying to do their best.

But in your case, Danity (I read your other post) I'd have to say that I strongly suggest that your mother has some serious unresolved issues from her own childhood. And she is helpless in taking out her jealousy and rages on you - she's taking the easy way out. Like you say, she doesn't really see anything wrong in what she is doing. Highly likely her attitude towards you is what was displayed to her. If she wants to make herself a better mother, she needs to make the decision and commit herself to it, at the moment, she's just excusing it all away.

Good parents are one's who are grounded within themselves, know who they are, don't need outside validation to know they are good, and don't feel a rush of guilt and shame when their kids do something that reminds them of themselves.

I hope that goes somewhat to answering your question....cheers

Danity wrote:Why do they do it? Is it out of jealousy? Scared their children will succeed in what they failed??

I am just trying to understand because I am a victim of it, and I am trying to recover. I have asked my mother this, and this only fueled another verball and physical encounter that I regret. Also, she doesn't really see anything wrong with what she does.

Sure, it could be because of jealousy - that you have things they never had in their childhood. It could be because they want you to succeed in what they never did. Or it could be for many other reasons.

Some parents abuse their children because they were abused by their parents - it might be all that they know, or they might be taking out their anger towards their parents on you because they are too scared to confront the real issue.
If you can't talk to your mother about this without getting into an arguement, it might be a good idea to seek family therapy. I know that your mother probably wont agree to this because you said she sees nothing wrong with what she does, but the therapist might be able to reason with her better because she/he would be an outsider to the situation.

I think its because they have unresolved issues too. My father grew up very differently than most people. He never formed any real relationships.. To this day he think he is the only one in the world suffereing and that everyone else is in bliss. He has a very hateful and maliscious attitude to everyone but him. Whats so screwed up is that he has had it alot easier than most people. He doesnt know what they go through.. he has a severly distorted judgement of people.

One thing he also does that makes me say "oh my god this guy is outrageous to think he doesnt know people see this." Is that he tries to tell his kids that he is normal and infact like a very popular well like person that has been through it all and knows every facet of human relationships.. He talks about people that i have had contact with and see that he has the most distorted view of that persons life.. pure psychopathy. It sucks. The best thing to do is be postive and MOVE OUT, never look back.

some kids are just too sexy for their own good. If ya know what I mean,

MrBuddy wrote:some kids are just too sexy for their own good. If ya know what I mean,

Something tells me we should be reporting your comment about children to the proper authorities.... you are seeming to me, perhaps a trifle to into children... from certain comments...