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He covers his face with a pillow when we have sex

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He covers his face with a pillow when we have sex

Postby Stayed Too Long » Wed Jan 25, 2006 3:17 am

Okay there seem to be several things going on with my guy:

1) He can't finish through intercourse. It's happened once in a year and a half. Once.

2) I have a hard time finishing him via other means--I can, but it takes an excruciatingly long time--anywhere from thirty minutes to an hour and a half. No joke.

3) I noticed when I'm on top (that is when we actually have intercourse) he puts a pillow over his head so that I can't see his face or he can't see me. I've noticed that he also covers his face with a pillow when I'm down below and not even visible--like I'm below the covers.

I have my own theories but am wondering if anyone has insight. I've researched this topic thoroughly, but it still perplexes me.

The first time he put a pillow over his face I said something and he pretended as if he didn't notice and then pulled the pillow off. My first reaction was that he didn't want to see me and put the pillow over his face so he could imagine someone else (I have catastrophic thinking). I later decided that he didn't want me to see his face.

He does not like to be vulnerable. He's rather stoic and emotionless which he freely admits--says he's always been that way and will likely always be that way--he's just like his dad.

Also, sort of recently, he boldly stated in bed that for that night we could do anything else but have intercourse. I recoiled in horror and demanded to know why. My first thought was that he was sleeping with someone else and wouldn't sleep with two people at the same time. He said that was not the case that if he was sleeping with someone else I wouldn't even be in his bed. I know that he must not enjoy sex for SOME reason, but it hurts me that he won't tell me that--I feel completely rejected.

Any thoughts or advice?
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Postby Angel » Wed Jan 25, 2006 1:08 pm

I'm sure for a lot of people "affair" comes to mind. But on the other hand....my gut instinct was "was this guy abused"??? I don't know how guys handled abuse and sexual relationships. I'm a girl....I was abused.....and I know I used to have a VERY hard time w/ intimacy of any kind. I was a lights out no looking kind of girl for some time myself! took a long time for me to feel I could have a "normal" sexual life.
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Postby Stayed Too Long » Thu Jan 26, 2006 12:59 am

Hi Angel,

About the abuse... I don't know. It's certainly very possible but he really doesn't talk about anything. And he's always been that way, too. So it's not like we ever had completely normal sex or intimacy and then he pulled away or started covering his face... I don't know if I said this or not in my last post but he drinks. A lot. I can count on one hand the amount of times we've been in bed and he's been sober--but it's still the same. Sober or drunk he takes a long time and covers his face. I can't remember if he only covers his face during the day or if it's been at night, too. Oh and he has to have the TV on. We've only had sex once in complete silence and that was only because his dog stepped on the remote and accidentally turned the TV off. He doesn't say if what we or I'm doing feels good unless I ask--other than that he's totally silent. (I'm not loud myself so I don't care about that, but I've never been with a guy that is COMPLETELY silent.)

If it helps he had two major relationships in his life. One was a ten year relationship where they got engaged. The engagement broke off because she cheated on him. He was then in what he said was a four year relationship with his ex-wife. They were only married for a couple months when she cheated on him. The marriage lasted less than a year. He's been divorced for two and a half or three years now.

I've deducted that according to his age he must have gotten involved with his ex-wife very shortly after his engagement to the ten year girl ended.

I obviously think those past relationships have effected him but I don't know what to do about it since he won't talk to me about things. He said once, "If you don't talk about things then you just don't deal with it and then you get over it." I tried to point out the obvious err in reasoning of that argument but he didn't see it my way.

Any advice on how to make him feel more comfortable? I've asked him before if I make him uncomfortable and he says no. He once (in a drunken stupor) admitted to me that I scare him... But he passed out before I could get him to elaborate...
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Postby Butterfly Faerie » Thu Jan 26, 2006 2:39 pm

I dated someone a long time ago that couldn't get off no matter what, he did once in the course of our relationship.

30 minutes isn't long though, if he has a high sex drive then that's one thing, but if it's a nervous thing, or he's ebarrassed by it, etc then that's something that you 2 would have to discuss.

Maybe he's worried about something, embarressed?

Have you asked him about this?
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Postby Stayed Too Long » Thu Jan 26, 2006 4:27 pm

The closest thing to a discussion came when he announced one night that we could do anything but have sex that night. After my initial shock and feelings of rejection I quickly scanned in my mind the past sexual encounters we've had the entire relationship and came up with this: he got off with intercourse once and oral sex a handful of times. The rest of the time is really just him finishing himself off but me sort of being there and helping it along.

He is very bad at communicating, conversation, and confrontation. He once told me that he needs to be wasted in order to be able to confront someone. And his idea of confrontation would make anyone else laugh. For example, one time a friend of a friend stole the card from his phone (they have the same phone). He knew that his friend took the card without a doubt. So his idea of confrontation was to ask the guy if he took it. When the guy said no he didn't take it, that was the end of the conversation/confrontation--even though he KNEW that this guy took it.

Anyway, in his own way, the night that he announced "no sex" he was telling me without coming right out and telling me that he doesn't like sex. He kept talking about how other things are fun too and how good I am at other things (which kind of made me laugh because it takes so long so I can't be THAT good and he never makes any noise so how would I know?)

Most the time when we're in bed it's him that's doing the legwork because it seems like what I do takes FOREVER. And his lack of response doesn't help guide me. I've never been with someone like him. At first I thought, "Maybe I don't know what I'm doing..." But I've been with plenty of other guys who were quite easily able to finish.

As for the time aspect, some people have suggested that maybe he can't finish because the alcohol affects him...

But my rebuttal to that is... Even when he's sober it takes a long time.

My thought is that he must be embarrassed??? Because he has to KNOW that he can't finish through intercourse and he can't usually finish orally and he always has to finish things off.

But I don't know if he's always been like this or if his two major past hurts have made him like this or what...
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Postby funnyguy » Thu Feb 02, 2006 5:40 am

he is suffering from retarded ejaculation, not being able to cum from sex. this is my situation too. and my guess of him putting pillow over his face is to be less inhibited. see, he has no problem having an orgasm by himself. so he may be putting the pillow over his face to imagine that hes alone and thus lessening the anxiety and trying to cum from sex. so i dont think its anything against you personally, although i could see where it feels pretty ###$ up. my advice is for him to get educated in his condition, and communication between you and him(that sounds hard).
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Postby Stayed Too Long » Sat Feb 04, 2006 3:52 pm

Thanks, funnyguy.
Communication is nearly impossible; I'm almost afraid to bring it up with him, which is silly.
How did you know what was going on with yourself?
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Postby funnyguy » Mon Feb 06, 2006 7:03 am

my first time having sex, i could not get an erection, and thats still a problem, along with the reatrded ejaculation. i realized that i could not cum from sex, that after awhile, my penis feels numb and just goes down. i didnt know what it was until i did research online, and found this forum. and now, since im not even close to getting laid, i decided not to masturbate until(been a week) sex. this has not been proven to be effective, but i figure, its worth a try. anyways, any progress with you and him?
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Postby Stayed Too Long » Wed Feb 08, 2006 7:16 am

Hi funnyguy,
Well sounds like things are a bit complicated for you. Sorry to hear that.
Do you think the problem could have anything to do with religion? I thought you said you had no family or psychological problems that you knew of that would contribute to the RE. What about anxiety?
As for me... I don't know. We still haven't talked about it. We don't get to see eachother v. often because of our schedules; however I felt sort of victorious this past weekend because he didn't cover his head once! Also, I looked up at him once (from being down there) and I saw him glance at me for a moment. Maybe he's getting more comfortable if he doesn't have to cover his face and he can actually look at me!!
I also did try to get him to watch porn--thought it might help out. Unfortunately the porn he has is really cheesy--from college years ago. He didn't/wouldn't watch it with me. I watched and he just layed there with his eyes closed. I tried to get him to watch but the best I could do was have him glance at the screen a couple of times.
Also, he seems to be getting faster at finishing. I'd like to try to get him to have sex more often--any thoughts?
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Postby funnyguy » Wed Feb 08, 2006 8:44 pm

stayed too long, well, at least he CAN have an orgasm. anxiety has a lot to do with it, and it supposed to help to take medicine such as wellbutrin and viagra. and having tv on with a porn that hhe can distract himself to helps as well. but you are already trying that. .... you seem like a really good sex partner to have for a retarded ejaculation men. he is lucky to have you
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