Enjoying being humiliated

First off sorry for eventual bad english, it's not my first language..
Hello, I'm male, 19. I've never had sex, nor a relationship.
Since puberty I've always had problems with my sexuality.. I identify myself as an heterosexual individual, but considered this I enjoy fantasizing about being humiliated and treated as a girl, even forced and with violence involved.
I'm not bisexual, nor I identify as one.. through these years I've always fallen in love with girls, first time at age of 10 with the classic yes/no letter I experienced my first rejection (eheh), then when I was 12-13, another time at 16 and another at 18. I've had some chances of meeting them and talking with them but I've felt there was something wrong about myself. I was verbally bullied and received some slaps between the age of 11-15, I repressed anger and I internalized it till it became sexual, and it was like this from the beginning.
I'm seeing a therapist and we're talking about this.
I'm also talking about this on the internet, and I'm just TIRED of people telling me I should just embrace and accept those feelings. It's not like that. I don't and WILL NEVER love myself till those feelings will completely DISAPPEAR. I don't care about society, it's ME, I don't like this. It started from being non-assertive and now it MAKES me non-assertive, because I can't stop thinking about it..
Please tell me something different than I've already heard

Hey.
I might know what you're trying to say. I'm dealing at times with the same problem when it comes to accepting things/getting rid of them.

This problem has 2 parts: the way you perceive it and the stimulus (the thought of being humiliated as a girl). So, to solve it, I see two different strategies... Either change the way you perceive it or shut off the thought. Of course, they are tied to each other.
Now... which one is easier to change? Most would say that the former, that's why they tell you to try and get confortable with it. Not paying attention to it might make it less and less triggering. The latter is of equal importance, but harder to work with. You try to shut off your thought, but while doing so, your emotional reaction to it is activated. Moreover, your repressed thoughts might come back as a boomerang out of nowhere in the most unexpected forms.

I personally believe you should face both of them. So... what to do? I'd say learn to accept that you're not flawless (that doesn't imply accepting your faults). That means that 'I know I have things to fix, I'm not perfect, but I'm working on them. I feel annoyed by them, but I can control them. I won't let them control me.'

I don't have much advice beyond this, I'm sorry. I know how hard is to fix this kind of problem, but it's a battle worth battling. Stay strong.

In my opinion, in heterosexual relationships male has to dominate over female. Of course, sometimes male can play the submissive role just for fun, but, if being submissive to a woman is male’s main sexual stimulus, then something went wrong in his psycho-emotional development.

In our society most males don’t know how to dominate over females…..because it is not the Stone Age anymore when everything was done just by the physical strength….…now, to dominate over educated, intellectual women, who has high self-esteem, you have to combine several aspects - intellect, emotions and physical strength……besides, in right proportions…....but most men don’t know how to do it…….it seems very complicated or even impossible to them……...therefore ………..they choose the most easiest and the most boring path……..to be submissive……to women………….and it doesn’t mean women dressed in leather or latex…….…it means that most men nowadays are brainwashed to put women’s pleasure higher than their own…………….which contradicts with Mother Nature and results in fake orgasms; women, who can’t relax during sex and bulls**t stereotypes that women need longer time to get aroused than men…….

In your teenage years you had several rejections. Each of these rejections was hurtful and most likely led to strong self-criticism and seeking of faults in yourself. As a result of that, I assume, you tried to improve yourself and be as close as possible to a type of man, which from the perspective of the girls “is considered” a good and desirable male.

You’ve done your "homework", you went to a new date……but……..you got your next rejection…..

Of course you felt deep anger…..because you tried so hard…..and it didn’t work out.

Now you feel desperate because you have tried everything you can and you don’t have ideas what else you could do, to be better in the eyes of women. And now you subconsciously “decided” to be submissive (and even play the role of a girl…..)……. you want to give your power away so that someone else could tell you what to do……..so that you can reach your goal to finally fulfill desires of someone else……….and be accepted….

And this is your trap and the main problem. You think that you should be perfect, to be accepted from women (or anyone else).

The truth is, to be successful in relationships with women, instead of being perfect, you must be as close as possible to your REAL YOU. You don’t have to improve yourself. On the contrary, you have to identify events in your own life (including childhood) that pushed you away from yourself. You also have to UNLEARN the things that you have read or heard and used in order to create artificial “improved” version of yourself.

You don’t have to go the pussy path and accept and embrace your current feelings. They won’t go away just by looking at them or suppressing. Instead, you must identify all your negative feelings and use them as your guide. If you feel anger, desperation or even depression, then it means that you are very far away from your REAL YOU. This means that at the moment you are living the version of yourself that matches the expectations of someone else (or society in general). And of course you can’t love this version of yourself, because you feel deep inside of you that it is fake.

Therefore, my advice to you is that you need to learn to listen to yourself. Spend time alone, away from everyone (the best way to do that – go for a regular and long walks in nature). Don’t think about what girls or society could want from you. Think about what YOU REALLY WANT to feel better in EACH and EVERY moment of your life. And let’s forget for a while about sex. At first you have to get back your REAL YOU in your everyday life.

Analyze how you communicate with people, can you say NO, when you really want to say NO; can you ask other people for what you really want or you always try to sacrifice yourself to look better in their eyes; can you tell your real opinion, or you always try to compromise, thus trying avoid conflicts or to upset someone.

Sex also is one of the communication types between people and you will come to it naturally and effortlessly, when you will be able to show to the world (and the girls) in your everyday life that you feel very good the way you are…… that you love yourself the way you are…….. that you are not a victim, who desperately tries to correct his “imaginary faults” to get acceptance from others……but a confident and self-contained male, who really feels good about himself, who radiates life energy, and who knows what he wants………including in relationships with women..…and in sex……