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Married and can't stop cheating. Coming out

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Married and can't stop cheating. Coming out

Postby darksecrets » Sat Nov 10, 2007 7:06 am

I have officially admitted to myself that I am a sex addict.

Ever since getting out of my first serious relationship in high school ( 3 years long) I started have sex with multiple people. I just thought that I was new to sex and I just liked it...

I joined the Army soon after... told myself that I would only have sex with someone I am serious with... that last for a few months.

Long story short... I have been married for a year now, I am 20 yrs old. I have been good for 5 months until my husband deployed... and now I can't stop cheating on him.

I love my husband to death, we have a great marriage....
I can't stop having sex with other people. I tell myself over and over that I won't have sex anymore- but I just do it again and again.

I honestly need help. I know I do.

I love sex. But only for the first time with someone. Even if I meet someone who is amazing in bed, I still prefer someone that I have never had sex with. I love that first time high.

I honestly have no idea what to do. I love sex. But I love my husband....
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Postby somebody » Sun Nov 11, 2007 11:46 am

I know you are young and your knowledge on life matters is probably limited. I hope to be able to help a little.

First of all, it is not right cheating on him. Although medical books may find you have a disorder (psychology has it's own explaination on life matters, although very powerful, in practical terms doesn't always mean much, e.g. criminals in psychology are anti-socials, but then what? the fact that they are termed anti-socials does not justify anything, they will still be punished under law, pathological gamblers will still have to pay the money they lose in the casinos, smokers are addicted, but half will still have to suffer from emphysyma, lung cancer and cardiovascular disorders etc), the sad truth is that only psychotic disorders really interfere with an individual's capacity to justifiably be guilty to his own actions. Any other disorder is never the real cause behind socially unjust behaviour (that is why no mental disorder can acquite defendants on its own in a trial). So, if you would like to listen that you suffer from a mental disorder that is the reason behind your behaviour, this will not be the case.

You may have a sex disorder (or not) and you can see a psychologist and discuss your problem.

However, for your husband, the fact that you cheat on him will most likely be a highly traumatic event and can cause him quite a lot of psychological problems in the future. Perhaps it is better not to tell him ever.

If you do love your husband, I believe it is better to divorce him and still never tell him of the cheating you did.

However, find another husband and discuss that you want to have a sexually liberate life. If you both agree then that's excellent and you can both be happy.

Alternatively, you can decide that with your new husband, you will be faithfull and never cheat again. Learn how to control your impulses, perhaps by finding alternative ways to satisfy yourself.
Addictions can be hard to be beaten. The best way to break an addiction is probably aversion therapy. I could advice you how to do that with smoking or drinking, but I can't think of anything good that could apply to sex addiction. Maybe a psychologist trained on sexual matters could help you breaking the habit.

You can also lead a life as a single woman.

That said, what you do is perfectly all right on a non-marrital setting, allthough it can carry a lot of social stigma if people find out that you often change sexual partners, you will be seen as a promiscious woman of low morality that can't be trusted and you can end up isolated (so be careful to be discreet). In a marrital setting, it will almost certainly lead to divorce if your husband finds out. Life will get much more complicated if you have children and divorce later. You may suffer economical problems (although this is not a rule) and your children will grow up with no father around and will be the ones that will suffer the most.

Another point to considers is that having many sexual partners has health issues, don't underestimate these. Most sexually transmitted disorders are not important, but some can be deadly.

For example HPV can cause cervical cancer and it easy to contract it, even if your partner and you use protection. Repeated exposure to the virus will increase your risk of developing the disease (good news are that vaccines can protect you, although I am not sure if there are vaccines yet for sexually active women - there are vaccines for virgins). Cervical cancer will cause you constant misery, all day long fear that will cause tremendous anxiety, pain, powerful medication will add to your suffering and then you'll die.

HPV varieties can also cause ugly moles (that will slowly make you uglier).

Be sure to get regular pap test, as cervical cancer starts from pre-cancers that can safely be removed.

That is the best I can think of. Think of the suggestions and see what you want to do.
Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional or other health professional. I provide my opinion for informational purposes and cannot be held responsible for any decisions readers of my post make. Always consult a trained health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others.
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Postby darksecrets » Sun Nov 11, 2007 9:18 pm

Wow, that was a very helpful post and I thank you for all the time that you put into it. I know that possibly having a sex disorder does not make it right that I am cheating on my husband, and I am not looking for anyone to tell me any different. I understand that I am held accountable for every decision that I make, right or wrong, sex disorder or not.

I know that if my husband found out that I have been cheating on him, he would be devastated. I don't ever plan on telling him about my behavior because I don't want to hurt him.

I don't want to divorce my husband. I want to find a solution for my problem and make things better. I love my husband dearly and I don't want to lose him. But, I know that if I keep this up, I could lose him in a heart beat. I love my husband, I don't want another husband just to have an open relationship, and I don't want to live a single life. I want to take control of myself so I don't lose what I cherish the most.

I honestly don't know what to do at this point. I want to change but I am finding it very hard. I have started by admitting it and know that I have a problem. I have also taken the steps to find and sex therapists in my area and I have already discussed my options of going to SAA meetings (Sex Addiction Anonymous).

I do want to help myself. I don't want to just accept that I have a problem and use it as a reason that I act the way I do, like its not wrong.

I understand that my health is at risk. I do stay current with my pap smears, twice a year, and I am very cautious when it comes to this topic. The last thing I need is to catch something for 1) The sake of my health and 2)The sake of my husband- it would be hard to explain how I caught something...


Thank you for your time and the very helpful post. I really appreciate it.
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