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Porn Addiction Relapse

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Porn Addiction Relapse

Postby Cohesive » Fri May 19, 2017 10:45 am

Hey all,

I screwed up last night and I relapsed.

I just managed to start saving up some money so I can get another job out of the state and I spent nearly 100 of it on porn. I haven't done anything like this in months, but I felt out of it and that I had little control over the enjoyable parts of my life.

I thought I was doing a great job working through the waves, but it was as someone mentioned on a another thread about their relapse- It was beginning to feel like it was something that was being secretly planned out in my own head. It was like an impending force I had no control over.

I felt cornered and defeated by the end of the day. I had exhausted what seemed like all of my efforts to keep myself occupied throughout the day and to keep my thoughts moving forward, but I had two contradictory thoughts.

"You should relapse, because you're human and you're always being hard on yourself. You like what you like and that can't be changed, you deserve a break."

And

"You shouldn't relapse, because this is everything you've been working for and you know the feelings of relapsing are only fleeting. The more you hold out, the happier you'll be."

Hindsight tells me which voice I should have listened to, but a lot of it goes back to being hard on myself during my most vulnerable moments and taking the loss of control I feel over my own life forcibly into my own hands.

So, I laugh at my own contradictions. I'm beyond confused and trying to move past the usual feelings of self-loathing that have accompanied my relapses. I've been told by friends and family numerous times that I'm too hard on myself but I don't even know what that means in the context of my recovery. Being hard on myself either means relapsing is good or relapsing is bad, and struggling to know the difference has led the intensity of my relapse to dangerous levels of bingeing.

I'm not sure why I've shared most of this, but I hope that my experiences on this several year journey will help others keep the alignment on their path. I'm still a long way out from seeing my goals through, but this is what I'm able to do without any therapy or needed medication. Until I have the money I need to move out of state, this juggling act is what I have to keep on 'keepin on" with.

Best of luck to all of you!
Cohesive
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Re: Porn Addiction Relapse

Postby Wally58 » Fri May 19, 2017 4:12 pm

You need a recovery plan. Don't try to do this yourself. Left to our own devices like mental distractions, we will likely fail.
Get to meetings. Discuss treatment options with a therapist or other professional. If meds are suggested, give them a try.
If you don't have a strong recovery plan, you are likely to relapse. Just ask any alcoholic or addict.
Best of luck to you.
Wally58
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Re: Porn Addiction Relapse

Postby winginitx » Sat May 20, 2017 10:58 am

"The enemy of the better, is the best."

Don't beat yourself up brother. Look at this as a learning experience. How much time exists between falls?

Focus on progress, not perfection.

Also, a therapist is a great idea. Try to think about how you're feeling prior to falling. What's going on in your life, in your head and how are you feelings about yourself.

Know that you are on the right track.

Peace.
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