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Porn Addiction Relapse

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Porn Addiction Relapse

Postby Cohesive » Fri May 19, 2017 10:45 am

Hey all,

I screwed up last night and I relapsed.

I just managed to start saving up some money so I can get another job out of the state and I spent nearly 100 of it on porn. I haven't done anything like this in months, but I felt out of it and that I had little control over the enjoyable parts of my life.

I thought I was doing a great job working through the waves, but it was as someone mentioned on a another thread about their relapse- It was beginning to feel like it was something that was being secretly planned out in my own head. It was like an impending force I had no control over.

I felt cornered and defeated by the end of the day. I had exhausted what seemed like all of my efforts to keep myself occupied throughout the day and to keep my thoughts moving forward, but I had two contradictory thoughts.

"You should relapse, because you're human and you're always being hard on yourself. You like what you like and that can't be changed, you deserve a break."

And

"You shouldn't relapse, because this is everything you've been working for and you know the feelings of relapsing are only fleeting. The more you hold out, the happier you'll be."

Hindsight tells me which voice I should have listened to, but a lot of it goes back to being hard on myself during my most vulnerable moments and taking the loss of control I feel over my own life forcibly into my own hands.

So, I laugh at my own contradictions. I'm beyond confused and trying to move past the usual feelings of self-loathing that have accompanied my relapses. I've been told by friends and family numerous times that I'm too hard on myself but I don't even know what that means in the context of my recovery. Being hard on myself either means relapsing is good or relapsing is bad, and struggling to know the difference has led the intensity of my relapse to dangerous levels of bingeing.

I'm not sure why I've shared most of this, but I hope that my experiences on this several year journey will help others keep the alignment on their path. I'm still a long way out from seeing my goals through, but this is what I'm able to do without any therapy or needed medication. Until I have the money I need to move out of state, this juggling act is what I have to keep on 'keepin on" with.

Best of luck to all of you!
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Re: Porn Addiction Relapse

Postby Wally58 » Fri May 19, 2017 4:12 pm

You need a recovery plan. Don't try to do this yourself. Left to our own devices like mental distractions, we will likely fail.
Get to meetings. Discuss treatment options with a therapist or other professional. If meds are suggested, give them a try.
If you don't have a strong recovery plan, you are likely to relapse. Just ask any alcoholic or addict.
Best of luck to you.
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Re: Porn Addiction Relapse

Postby winginitx » Sat May 20, 2017 10:58 am

"The enemy of the better, is the best."

Don't beat yourself up brother. Look at this as a learning experience. How much time exists between falls?

Focus on progress, not perfection.

Also, a therapist is a great idea. Try to think about how you're feeling prior to falling. What's going on in your life, in your head and how are you feelings about yourself.

Know that you are on the right track.

Peace.
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Re: Porn Addiction Relapse

Postby PlasticPluto » Mon May 29, 2017 6:37 am

I am following therapy currently, porn abstinence has been part of it. Seems I've reached 70 consecutive days without watching any scene. There hasn't been any shortage of temptation though, every once in a while I do feel like giving myself a break and just watch some. Just one scene, or maybe two. I have favorites so maybe just one of those. Or maybe something new, there are new girls regularly.

I do wonder how uncontrollable that could get. If I would just want to spend countless hours on porn again. But I don't want to. I go one day at a time and I try to congratulate myself for resisting yet another day. I never figured I could go without porn more than a week. But here I am.

I do fear relapse, I do worry about throwing away my progress. It's only natural to doubt ourselves when we take on a challenge that restrains something we've done so frequently. And that we still like quite a bit.

This is what I want in regards to porn: to be able to enjoy it without feeling compelled to have it. Like the way I can enjoy a beer without wanting to get drunk all night.

Reading your post is comforting. I dont talk about my compulsions other than in my therapy sessions. Seeing other people struggle with similar problems makes me realize people can relate. And when we relate we understand. And when we understand we can support, encourage. Let's not give up, if we stumble it's normal. We keep on walking and we try again. It's just important to not just sit and despise ourselves for the fall. One more time, we give it another chance
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Re: Porn Addiction Relapse

Postby KSalem » Thu Jun 01, 2017 6:16 pm

Believe that you will get stronger. If you slip, forgive yourself. I think stirring up guilt just makes it more difficult to defeat the problem. Be at peace with your human nature, that is, be at peace with the fact that nobody's perfect and you'll make mistakes - especially when attempting something difficult.

Kel x
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