Recovering sex addict - Problem with sex

Hello!

I am a recovering sex addict. Everything is pretty great in my life although I have sometimes thoughts and feelings that are not healthy but what is great is that I don't have the need to act.

Anyway I have a problem. I am in a relationship with a man that I love and he loves me back. This is my first good relationship ever. The problem is that I can't have sex with him. I don't have any difficulty of thinking having sex with some random man that I see. But with him I just don't how I feel or should feel, what should I do or what I would like to do etc. I don't know how to have sex and I don't understand this. This feels really stupid and I feel really faulty.

I have had many kind of sex so much with many men! I have never had this problem. I have always been really active and creative when it comes to sex. Now when I try to have sex with him I completely freeze and no matter how much I would like to have orgasm I just can't. My body reacts normally (I get wet etc) but I don't feel like I am sexually stimulated and I'm just emotionally numb someway.

I have been with this man about a year. We have had sex about ten times and for the most part I have been drunk when we have had sex. For me this is equal to celibacy. I have never had so little sex in my whole life. I hate this. Is there really two options for me? Sex addiction or good loving relationship with no sex (which probably would end because there is no sex)?

Is there anyone else with this kind of a problem? Any tips or comments would be great.

I have had a similar experience. I prefer sex with strangers or people I don't really know well. When I had a boyfriend at first it was fine, but eventually he became too "known" to me. What I would do it work myself up in my mind, first, and that seemed to help me.

It's not stupid. And I don't think you are not faulty in any way whatsoever. Could it perhaps be a kind of performance anxiety? Because you're thinking about it so much. It's very hard to stay connected to your feelings in the moment?

Would it be any easier to try masturbating together? And, is there good, lengthy foreplay? If that's been fairly short. Perhaps give yourself a chance to get through the anxiety. Before you start to have sex. And, I understand being drunk enough to give this a go at all. But it might be that the alcohol is part of that numbing effect. And trying it without might be much harder to start with. But easier once things get going.

Thank you Randi and Ada. I don't think it's a performance anxiety because it's easier for me to give him pleasure. When he gives me pleasure, it's hard and then I freeze and don't know what to do. Then it's hard to stay connected to my feelings.

Maybe we could try masturbating together. Actually foreplay has been always short. I haven't really needed long foreplay before but maybe I need it now. Thanks for the advice. We should try it. Yes, alcohol is a way to numb myself.

eve00 wrote:Thank you Randi and Ada. I don't think it's a performance anxiety because it's easier for me to give him pleasure. When he gives me pleasure, it's hard and then I freeze and don't know what to do. Then it's hard to stay connected to my feelings.

Maybe we could try masturbating together. Actually foreplay has been always short. I haven't really needed long foreplay before but maybe I need it now. Thanks for the advice. We should try it. Yes, alcohol is a way to numb myself.

Sounds to me like your man doesn't know how to please a woman in bed. The man is supposed to take the lead, he is supposed to be able to bring his woman to a climax. That's my goal anyways.

If I actually had a girlfriend/wife I would start with a massage. Then it would turn into an erotic massage. Then I would go with soft kisses on the back of her head, neck, back, etc. and whispers about how beautiful she is and how she turns me on. Turn her over, run my hands through her hair, and kiss her passionately. Yes, the foreplay would be long, very long, because I realize women can't get turned on instantly like a man can and it takes time to get her ready.

You don't even have to have sex. He could just stimulate you using his other body parts (hands, fingers, elbows, lips, etc) and bring you to a climax like that. Use some soft romantic music in the background, mood lighting helps too.

That might be the "problem" too. He isn't as experienced as I am and sometimes he is unsure of himself. I also have higher sex drive, I'm self-confident and I've get used to men who takes the lead (he isn't one of them). Anyhow he has given me the most amazing orgasm ever! But mostly the sex just doesn't work.