My self esteem was broken by other people and harsh life

Hi there folks,

For almost 30 years of my life, I've tried to fight the obstacles that were laid before me. I was born as a rationalist and raised in a post-communist country, where vapors of absurdity are in the air, news and people's brains are destructed by either extremism christianity or that weird state of mind where jealousy of others happiness is a perfect fuel for a motor of hatred.

As a kid, I was extremely kind to everyone. Treating planet Earth and life itself as something beautiful, one of a kind and unique. Almost as if buddhism thing was real and I was re-born here with a lot of wisdom and love for others existence. I've treated everybody as someone to be liked and loved. Perhaps very naive, perhaps very cute, but stupid when crushed with reality-check of today's world.

From my early childhood I remember that my mom used to shout a lot on me and that I was afraid of her as a kid. I wanted to be perfect for her, yet still she could 'explode' and give me punishments that left a traumatic trace in my life. One of them was bringing a black bag and telling a 5 year old boy to pack all his toys and move out.

My father never cared for me. He had a documented episode of attacking his own mentally ill mother with a hammer when he was in his teens. Analyzing entire childhood, I remember only 2 moments where he gave me any attention. One was when we played with an electronically controlled crane and second when he let me drill few holes in ply wood with a driller in his garage. When I was 5-7 he used to bring me to kindergarten and 1st class of primary.
I never told that to anybody but he used to come to my room before departure, when I was still in my bed and he was playing with my penis. God, even writing this makes me paralyzed. He was disgusting. He was uncovering my pyjamas and playing with my genitals to make it erect. To this day I ask myself how a 5 year old can have erection but I don't know. Maybe I'm sick or something. It just happened even though I didn't want it and was very scared each time. My mom didn't know a thing. I didn't even question that it's something 'unnatural'. I don't know what I was thinking but perhaps if asked I would answer that "daddy doesn't give me much attention so i was ok with what he did cause he finally noticed me".
My dad was stupid but intelligent at the same time. I believe that stupidity and wisdom when it comes to life itself - are one thing, and intelligence or dumbness are second thing. He was talented as a video clip editor back in 90s where tv in my country was still in it's baby years. He ran a lot of businesses as well, printing company, broadcasting company, customized stamples manufacture and a whole lot of others, which were sponsored by my grandmother (she used to be a wealthy and powerful woman in my town). One that was exceptional was an IT company which he transformed into a never-ending party place. He was coming back in his inline-5 Audi Quattro, all drunk. He was making fights at home.

There was never peace and unfortunately I was already too old to simply forget. He used each and every of his business to deceive people, to drag lots of money off them and to benefit his own selfish needs. Very immature needs. Each of his businesses, even the ones that were ready-made by people who cared for me and my mom, were ultimately destroyed and exchanged for hookers and party life. My father left our family exactly on the day of my 8th birthday. I remember that day as if it was yesterday. I and my mom were coming back from primary school. I've heard 'there'll be a surprise for you when we get back home'.

I was excited and very happy for what was about to happen. When we came back, we witnessed...again... that the electricity bill is unpaid and 'dad' is not there. We waited for him in silence and after 2 hours he has shown up. Drunk again. I don't remember much but I remember that there was a huge fight that my mom made to him. About the fact that he even forgets about his kids birthday. He was laughing and smiling all the time. With those mimics he told us that he never loved us and simply left the apartment.

Since then things only went downhill. A 30 000 USD alimony debt says a lot too. At this moment of life, my father runs a fake charity which sells digital goods to other charities. He has found a legal loop-hole to once again Fuc$ my country and all naive people out of their money. He is actively trying to throw me in a jail. Even accusing me of stalking. In 2016, police raided my house and took all my computer equipment, claiming that I've commited a crime of stalking on my 'poor' 'father'. All that was invented as I've never done anything against the ruling law. There's much more to that but I'll leave it just here.

My beloved grandfather which I knew until I was 8 has passed from bone cancer. I don't want to go much into it as it's very hurtful. He loved me like nothing else in this world. He constructed fishing rods for mew when I was just 1 year old, treated me like a living pearl and was my personal god. Unfortunately, he was crying out of pain and begging for more morphine in his final months.

Since then, nobody cared. Family turned their backs on us, treating us like loonies who let the good 'husband' to be kicked out from house. They never 'proposed' any male role model to me. They never were close or offered any help. I had more empathy and tenderness from strangers rather than from my own so-called #######5 'family'. I hate them for that and want to cut all connections with them. Even more... I want to be another Elon Musk and bend nicely showing my ass to all of them.

I feel like I'm deeply disturbed by all those events but also very 'unique' in a good way. This uniqueness sometimes works for my benefit and sometimes don't. I'm very geeky, nerdy, down-to-earth. Also I'm extremely loving for anybody who shows me a bit of feeling. I am overly caring and craving for romantic love. I treat loyalty as something sacred, golden and most important. Tossing around some intelligent but often dark-humor jokes.

I believe that I have multiple layers of complexity which makes it hard to describe myself to anybody who is willing to know me more. I.e. online dating, regular dating, friends, new groups etc. I feel alone and misunderstood by everybody. Just recently I was hurt by a fiance that I've met in other country and sacrificed a lot for her. I feel like I need help from others. Other pair of eyes or brains... .

I don't see what kind of harm was done to me by lack of male role figures. I feel like I'm somehow broken and overly sensitive. Men are not tender or caring to woman in my country, yet they create lasting families. I am the opposite and can't even find a decent 'love'. Please ask me anything you want as I don't know what would help others to better help me. I've never asked for any help, this is my first time. I apologize for any lack of clarity that may occur in the upper argument. I was writing that and trying to cut out all the sad things that were incoherent with my main question - how does lack of male role figure affected me.

I will be glad for any type of help. I promise I'll open up more once I trust more.

I would like to clarify the last few paragraphs as I have a feeling that I didn't explain my problem too well.
I don't feel 'manly' enough. Like there is something missing. Something very important which would make me reassured about each and every decision I make. Which would make me confident about my own actions.
I feel that I don't necessarily understand how a marriage or relationship in general should look like in order to be successful. I know how to love, care and listen but feel that this is almost seen as a con by women.
I've figured out that losing father and grandfather all of a sudden has pierced my bubble of kid's innocence and caused me to be panic afraid of losing someone I care about. Despite the good things like tenderness, care and loyalty, I am quite possessive. Especially after my ex-fiance abused my trust and cheated on me.

I don't know how to talk to men that much. There are folks with whom I 'click' but most of them judge me immediately as someone inferior to them and treat me like cr@p. Maybe because of the fact that it's hard for me to gain any muscle mass and I always look like a weak unsure male. Doctors suspect hypogonadism and I'm waiting for hospital admission on 12.02.2018.

Women are attracted to me as it's said that I'm tall and handsome but after short time they seem to be bored with me and dump any links. I have broad knowledge on many things and am curious of stuff I don't know. I don't want to talk about something insignificant like parties or latest celebrity gossips. I want some stimulus for my mind and deeper conversations/connections with other people. Besides, as soon as they hear that I'm a type of 'family guy' who wants to create something meaningful and have kids, they are almost immediately disinterested in me. That makes me feel very lonely.

I don't have any friends. I used to have some in primary school and high school but they turned out to be fake and selfish. Some of them even abused my kindness and used me in one or another way. I used to work from home as a freelancer so I didn't have new possibilities to reach to other people live and establish any sort of non-business relationships.

I feel like I don't know where should I go. Like I drift somewhere and don't know where and why should I swim in certain direction. Without a sense of path that I should definitely take.
My business ideas were either successful for short moments of time or failed terribly. I've rebelled against traditional ways of education and 'making success' out of my life. My education finished on mediocre highschool as I didn't have money to attend university. Besides, I have witnessed post-law students working in McDonald's in my country which only further repulsed me from wasting my time on something without a future.
Unfortunately I feel frustrated as my life decisions benefited me only for a short time, leaving me in a state of unemployment, debts and frustration. I'm haunted with existentional questions and disturbing feeling of hoplessness. As if I, automatically, will not fit anywhere in this world. Just because I am myself.

Hey guys,

I see that there's close to 200 views of my thread yet the only person saying something is me . If just 40% would say a word of positiveness or give a little advice on how to help myself then each and every subject in this sub-forum would be flooded with good vibe. People would be left in much better state.

Look guys, they cut gas to my house so the water in the tap is cold. I wash myself in a big pot once a week by boiling water in an electric kettle and mixing it with cold water. Fridge is nearly empty and I'm often hungry. There were times where hunger was really strong and I was dreaming about something caloric. I don't have friends, my dream-girl french nubian fiance of 5 years have cheated on me with a random guy just few days before my 23rd birthday, making me fights all the time and disregarding my health problems (hormones + gastrointestinal). She has disposed my golden fiance ring with a ruby into a sink. I was deceived and lied to for nearly 6 more months since knowing of her cheating. She even tried to convince me that she was raped.

My debts are nearly few thousand dollars, some parts of the roof in my house are leaking because the tar connections between some parts on terraces are broken. I haven't bought myself anything since ages. Especially clothes. I walk in old stuff, have two pair of better quality black jeans by wrangler. Yea those still do the trick. My grandmother has elderly dementia and does stupid things. She has extreme memory problems and is often very hurtful. She needs to be supervised 18/7.

There are parts of assets owned by my ill grandmother which are not rewritten by notarial deed. This feels like a broken bomb that can explode anytime leaving me and my mom without roof. That's because, if something would happen to my grandmother, we would have to pay off a part of house inherited by my mom's fukked up sister. That b1tch never helped with anything.

My mom transformed from a well educated woman to a very primitive one. She either parades in pyjamas all day, cooks dinner, watches some brain-degrading sitcoms or drinks beer. Eventually vodka when she has a bit more money from job center. She is under influence of alcohol even at 12:00 pm. She lost her job and is completely uninterested in improving her situation and securing things.

I've proposed to her many ideas about 'saving the situation' but all she could do is nod her head. I've repaired a lot of things in house, installed furniture, welded fence, repaired taps, installed new devices but never really heard anybody say 'thank you'. When I ever mention about a wish to move out from the house, she threatens me that she will sell the house if I'll ever leave. That is completely unacceptable by me, because I've put a lot of hard work into conservation and repairs. Besides, I'm a keen believer of holding as many assets as possible. When my grandmother or mother is left 'alone' to make decisions, they often make the dumbest ones. Selling assets that bring money (i.e. rental apartments, holiday apartments) and leaving only those that can be considered 'liabilities'. Those liabilities need supervision and investments while bringing a total of zero $$$ in our pockets.

Doctors who treated my gastrointestinal problems have sucked thousands of dollars out of my pocket and left me un-diagnosed. I've figured out that it is directly connected to my hormonal problems. I was suspecting a pituitary or hypothalamus tumor which prevents pituitary gland from secreting enough hormones. Nobody wanted to listen to me in my country as doctors think that patients are plain idiots.

They don't discuss anything with them even though for most visits you have to pay. Otherwise you would wait like 2 - 5 years for endocrinologist visit if you would decide to go with 'free' public health. And a 'few' more... .

Seen? I've opened up even more. I've already responded in few treads on these subforums, willing to help. Don't be a stranger people. How are those places supposed to help anybody if words are shot into ether? It's not much different from telling all the upper out loud and having only own pair of ears to listen to that.

Well, your situation surely sucks. It is clear that your parents harmed you, especially your father.
I can imagine that you may have a lot of feelings of dissapointment, anger and bitterness about
all that has happened to you.

I think so far no-one responded because your posts are so long. People may click on the title and get discouraged when they see the length of the post. Also, you give so many details that makes it overwhelming and I am not sure what to react to.

Other than empathy, is there anything particular that you need help with or that you want people to comment on?


You mention many times "my country". What is your country?

Yup, thanks for the answer and sorry about the length. It's just a build up of many years as I was keeping things to myself and never wanted to bother anybody. Here, I simply let it all out.

Yes, I feel very inferior to other people. I feel that for some odd reasons, life was really harsh on me. My country? I'm from poland...

As for help. Any insights would mean gold to me. Especially about the lack of male role model and how to 'repair' myself. I'm wondering how to gain confidence and peace of mind in my case. Also... if someone has any ideas on how I can get out from this financial misery or has something funny to say, then I'm all ears. Appreciate in advance.

I would like to genuinely thank all the hundreds of people who posted in here and said those beautiful words. You don't even realize how much that means to me. Also your advice were right on point as now I know what to do in order to feel better, raise my self-esteem and get out from financial crisis.

I truly hope that all of you cry-babies with filled stomachs, electricity and warm water in the shower cabin will one day land in as $hitty situation as I am. Bumping from one life wall to another. Patching one side of leaking boat while the other one breaks. Maybe such life lesson would teach any of you what empathy is.

One day I'll raise to the top, swimming through the cesspool and my heart will never be as warm as it used to be towards others. Goodbye

I really think you need a way, way higher level of care and treatment than responses on a forum. People tend to come to the forum with a short, concise question rather than a whole life story. What you're hoping for here is something that a therapist or counselor should be providing you, rather than forum members, (which explains the lack of responses).

Have you looked into any kind of therapy to help you resolve your psychological issues? Depending on where you live you can get financial help and guidance. You mention the Job Center - if you live in the UK, the Citizens Advice Bureau are great for helping resolve debt issues and providing help.

You've been through some serious traumas, and I think you owe it to yourself to seek the right kind of help.

oceane wrote:I really think you need a way, way higher level of care and treatment than responses on a forum. People tend to come to the forum with a short, concise question rather than a whole life story. What you're hoping for here is something that a therapist or counselor should be providing you, rather than forum members, (which explains the lack of responses).

Have you looked into any kind of therapy to help you resolve your psychological issues? Depending on where you live you can get financial help and guidance. You mention the Job Center - if you live in the UK, the Citizens Advice Bureau are great for helping resolve debt issues and providing help.

You've been through some serious traumas, and I think you owe it to yourself to seek the right kind of help.

I agree with oceane on this as well. Good luck to you. I wish the best for you and your life.

Sometimes we are just humans and don't exactly have the perfect words or advice for others.