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When I was younger (like, around 6 or 7), I was pretty normal except for when I would find something that I really enjoyed doing (like, if I got interested in math, I'd spend a great deal of time learning it over several weeks just to satisfy my interest. I still do this, though I often forget to talk to people when I do). Things started to get stripped away gradually, however. My parents would, in a way that I perceived as being close to abuse, make me do things I didn't want to do and go places I didn't want to be, giving me no choice or threatening me with punishment. At first, I hated it... but then I learned that it was so much easier to just let things pass by and go along with them. So I cut out the reactive part of me that made those experiences so much worse. And this kept happening with different things over the years... By the time I was in high school, I would barely come out of my room at all. I'd spend my time playing video games, learning things I found interesting (because of this, I'm already quite proficient in 3D animation, writing, digital/traditional art, and music), spacing out to music, or lamenting the fact that none of the adults in my life would take my intense desire to learn seriously. Because I was so focused on learning things, I thought that everyone else was stupid and that a lot of the things they did were pointless. I thought they were insane.
During high school, I became further and further withdrawn into a world of my own. Whenever I spoke to people, my expression would usually be quite neutral unless I got angered or excited by something. My friends thought I looked high all the time, and I didn't even understand what that was like. Also, between music and my frustrations at school and at home, I ended up developing really strong forms of synesthesia. After the most intense arguments that I had gotten into while at my school, my frustration became so strong that I'd see this flying at my face whenever it happened: http://pre03.deviantart.net/eafa/th/pre ... 8501fm.png
(It was very painful, and it was very difficult to think for many hours after I got into an argument. I still experience this sometimes, though I try really hard not to whenever something bad happens.)
Because of what I had become and the things I was frustrated about, I started saying a lot of extreme things (this was in early 10th grade). I hated everybody and I didn't understand them at all. One of my aunts took notice and suggested that I had Asperger's, though I was cut off from her and my cousins because my mom didn't want me thinking about it. I went to their house and stayed for a week before I was cut off. It really was the only time that I felt like I was with people who sorta understood me. And while my aunt may have been wrong at the time, it quelled my hatred for others immensely (except for my parents) and turned my focus completely inward.
During my senior year, my mom was convinced that the world was going to end by September last year. Because I still cared about her somehow, I went along with her and convinced myself to throw out most of what I had. I no longer cared about material things - they didn't really matter anymore. I had a rough time with that, and it took me about a year until I lost all hope in my mom because of it. But it was too late then - I had already dipped further into my internally focused mindset. I can't even go for a few minutes without psychoanalyzing my own thought processes and identity now. Fortunately, I moved away from her in March this year. Now I live with an online friend of mine who I barely knew beforehand.
Now I'm here in Wisconsin, sleeping on top of my friend's bunk bed with about 5 feet of space beside it to fit all my equipment, clothes, and food. Because of everything that happened to me, most things just don't matter anymore. I couldn't care less that I have so little space. Sometimes I don't care about my friends at all either. I'm too absorbed within my thoughts. Reading about what a lot of other schizoid people have described their experiences to be like, I can relate very well. Here's a list of what I observe myself to experience:
- -I spend most of my time away from work composing music, writing stories, and listening to music.
-I get really into certain songs that I listen to. Last month, I listened to one song all the time - constantly, and only. It did really crazy things to how I perceive my life, and overall, it left me feeling very strange compared to other people.
-I feel like an anomaly most of the time, and I often feel like I'll never find other people who can relate to me. Because of my detachment, it is very unlikely that this (or anything else, for that matter) will make me so depressed that I'll commit suicide.
-The way my synesthesia affects me has grown immensely over the past year. I see music. I see textures, colors, shapes, and they all move together like a living organism. I feel it too. All of the things I see feel like phantom limbs now. Part of me wants to exist purely in this form, without my body, though I don't know if that would be possible in my lifetime.
-I "see" the things I touch too (without looking at them). If I were to go blind, I probably wouldn't care /too/ much because I'm usually "looking" at these things instead of my environment.
-I most closely identify with what people call "secret schizoid," though I do have some issues in social situations still. Similar to what some schizoids have said before, it can be very difficult for me to truly enjoy something other than music or writing unless I'm imagining myself doing it while I'm doing it (like having sex, or simply going out for a walk).
-It's very hard for me to get other people's humor right away, so I usually compensate by trying to make it appear that I understand. It usually takes me several seconds to comprehend that they're trying to make a joke or talk to me in the first place. This is one of the few things I actually dislike about how I've become.
-For the longest time, I've been stuck in a cycle of wanting to be close to my friends and wanting to abandon all of them without a second thought. Sometimes I care, sometimes I don't. Most of the time, I'm in the middle somewhere.
-I don't know if this really has anything to do with it, but I am definitely underweight. I am really sensitive to how my stomach feels, so I tend not to eat much. If I get lost in a project, I often forget to eat as well. I always stick between 110 and 115 pounds, no matter what. I am 5' 11".
-My closest friend is a 29-year-old man that I love. Aside from him, I only talk to a couple other people regularly (that is, when I remember that I need to talk to them). I really want to talk to someone who is similar to myself (in both the synesthesia and potentially schizoid aspects), but I will be alright if I can't find somebody.
-I'm always wondering about whether my constant preoccupation with myself and my thought processes is narcissistic or perfectly okay. I want it to be okay, and I wish the people around me would understand and be okay with it too.
-In social situations, I usually end up psychoanalyzing why the people around me do what they do. I try to imagine myself in their mindset to understand them a little better. Because of this, I have a lot of theories about how other people work... though I can't say that they're accurate.
-I have tried certain drugs before, but it was only for a short time. This only occurred after I moved to Wisconsin, as some of my new roommates smoke heavily. Weed that doesn't give me a headache right away does enhance my synesthesia a bit. I am somewhat reluctant to continue to experiment though, for the reason that I will describe next.
-There are some cases where my synesthetic experiences go way off the charts, both when I am under the influence and not. The last time, I stopped myself from going too far because I didn't want to become totally delusional. Basically, there is one sound in my own music that, if I were to let myself jump to conclusions, I could say I identify as. If I did exist purely as what I experience from music, this sound is the form I'd most prefer to be in. Everything about it is at the core of what I perceive my identity to be now. It's beautiful to me. But, I will refrain from letting it become more than that until I'm sure that I will still be in control.
This is the song that the sound is in (it's 29 seconds in) - https://baumarius.bandcamp.com/track/friend
And this is sorta what it looks like: http://img04.deviantart.net/20aa/i/2016 ... ajq2f3.png
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Overall, I'm not looking to "fix" these things. I never have been. My goal here is just to determine why I am this way - and if I am schizoid, then it just means that I have an easier way of explaining myself to others. These past few months have been absolutely crazy, and while there are some parts of my personality that I consider to be negative, there are certain things that I /might/ want to take to an extreme level (like that last point on the list) just to see where they go. I want my life to be strange, and I want to do what few have done before. I do want to stay in control, but I also want to experience something beautiful and share that with the world. If I can find balance there, I feel like I'll be able to go pretty far and be successful.If I do find myself close to losing control, however, I will definitely start seeing a professional to help keep myself in check.
What do you guys think of all this?
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