Getting a GF killed my life.

Before my first love, I was happy, I was content, I was having the time of my life. I was a schizoid living the dream. Me, myself, films and video games. Oh happy days. I thought to myself, "I don't want a GF". But then, she came along. Oh that feeling, that ######6 feeling was fantastic. I just wanted to kiss her, cuddle with her, and eventually I did. "Ahh this is nice, watch films with someone, cuddle with her, love this $hit".

6 Months Later. BOOM out of nowhere she broke up. Even tho a week before she stayed over and we had a great time. She never explained why, only "I don't have feelings for you anymore". Sure I didn't have the same "in love" feelings anymore myself, but still I did love her. Maybe she misunderstood what love is, you don't have that "in love" feeling forever do you? Anyway, it sucked hard, worst time of my life.

Then we became friends, we still met each others and we watched films and cuddle together. I was happy as long as she wasn't interested in other people, and she wasn't for a year. But then obviously she starting having contact with other men, she told me she started to like this guy. ######6 killed me, I couldn't look in her face. I got ill. So I stopped seeing here from that moment (something I should have done a long time ago). And now we barely talk to each others, just random funny pictures and $#%^ we share over Viber couple times a day.

And now I'm stuck with this longing for love, longing for the cuddles, the warmth. I'm stuck at #######5 dating websites, ALOT of rejections. I'm stuck at feeling disgusted for myself because I've tried going out to bars and stuff with friends. It's not me, I'm not that happy Schizoid anymore. I'm just desperate and depressed and it has killed my "soul". But oh the cuddles was so nice.

Sometimes I wonder if it was worth it, then I snap back into reality because I know I will strive for more, and my soul will be killed over and over again, that is even if I find a new one, which right now looks dim. I'm kind of getting better by not being desperate lately, but now and then the depression strikes hard. Don't get me wrong, I still love being alone, but I miss that one person I actually can hang out with without getting tired and want to be left alone.

Anyone been through something similar?

KiwiHerb wrote:But then, she came along. Oh that feeling, that ######6 feeling was fantastic. I just wanted to kiss her, cuddle with her, and eventually I did. "Ahh this is nice, watch films with someone, cuddle with her, love this $hit".

Bonzer, mate. I've fallen in love, and I've made female friends that always seemed happy around me and made me feel great, but I've never had this. I'm sorry she left, but it sounds like you really appreciated her; you know what you have to look forward to when you meet someone again.

KiwiHerb wrote:6 Months Later. BOOM out of nowhere she broke up. Even tho a week before she stayed over and we had a great time. She never explained why, only "I don't have feelings for you anymore". Sure I didn't have the same "in love" feelings anymore myself, but still I did love her. Maybe she misunderstood what love is, you don't have that "in love" feeling forever do you? Anyway, it sucked hard, worst time of my life.

Yeah, I don't think you can do anything in these situations. When someone has this expectation that a relationship will be a perpetual butterfly-motion, stomach-machine, it's doomed to come undone. And even if you had the opportunity to sit her down and try to change her mind, it wouldn't matter because it's not an isolated idea but tied to an entire worldview. I actually think that's one place where more schizoid tendencies can help hold a relationship together; give up on a good relationship because I feel different for a little while? Does... not... compute?

KiwiHerb wrote:Then we became friends, we still met each others and we watched films and cuddle together. I was happy as long as she wasn't interested in other people, and she wasn't for a year. But then obviously she starting having contact with other men, she told me she started to like this guy. ######6 killed me, I couldn't look in her face. I got ill. So I stopped seeing here from that moment (something I should have done a long time ago).

I understand this completely. Because there are no hard feelings, you still think positively of the person and want them in your life, but the jealousy is literal, soul poison. It sucks to cut a friend off like that, but for your own health, you just have to turn away and ramble on. Gotta be ice cold

KiwiHerb wrote:And now I'm stuck with this longing for love, longing for the cuddles, the warmth. I'm stuck at #######5 dating websites, ALOT of rejections. I'm stuck at feeling disgusted for myself because I've tried going out to bars and stuff with friends.

While I make no guarantees, I might actually be able to help here. I've known some people that met through online dating, even got married, but they all seemed to be very normal, average, outgoing people that fit exactly into their community, squarest pegs in holes squarer still, that kind of thing. And this is just my opinion, but I'm pretty sure there's a selection bias at bars, and you're very unlikely to meet someone that wants a calm, stable relationship (even if she believes she does).

I still haven't stumbled into a relationship yet, but there's one thing I've noticed that has steadily led me into stronger and closer friendships with women. I'm confident in this advice too because I have seen it work for weird and normal friends, and laid-back and ambitious friends. And it is this: don't go looking for a woman, but figure out where you really want to go in life, where you definitely belong, then start chasing your destiny. Don't just keep your head down though, slow down and look around now and then, and she will meet you somewhere along the way.

KiwiHerb wrote:It's not me, I'm not that happy Schizoid anymore. I'm just desperate and depressed and it has killed my "soul".

Honestly, just from this post, it sounds like you're neither happy nor a schizoid anymore. I don't mean that in any exclusionary way either (there have been some recent threads where posts were misinterpreted as "you don't belong here "). It just sounds like any detachment, disinterest, or distance you might have had got vaporised by a tactical nuclear strike to the heart. I do know what the heartbreak's like too, and I can only suggest one word for it... survive. I know it's lame, but the only thing I've ever found that makes it go away is time. It's kind of like mourning; it's a gradual catharsis. Just take it one day at a time, especially don't try to suppress your emotions, but don't linger on the bad and be appreciative of the good.

KiwiHerb wrote:But oh the cuddles was so nice.

Yeah, this is just one of those things I'm still looking forward to... still waiting... a yup...... This may sound kind of silly, but could you manage a pet? Seriously, when I was living like a hermit, I think my cats kept me from going completely crazy. It's surprising how relaxing it is having some kind of warm mammal next to you while you're reading or playing video games. Looking back, I would also talk to my cats a lot too... and myself... yeah, don't cut yourself off completely from people.

KiwiHerb wrote:Sometimes I wonder if it was worth it, then I snap back into reality because I know I will strive for more, and my soul will be killed over and over again, that is even if I find a new one, which right now looks dim. I'm kind of getting better by not being desperate lately, but now and then the depression strikes hard. Don't get me wrong, I still love being alone, but I miss that one person I actually can hang out with without getting tired and want to be left alone.

I don't know if you consciously wrote that your future "looks" dim, but even if not, I think you know deep down that what you're seeing is different from the reality. Your mind is processing intense emotions by throwing them onto the world around you, or something like that (Am I a psychologist? I'm not a psychologist!) You have proven, within the past couple years, that you could meet a woman, treat her well, sustain a happy relationship, and based on what you've said, would have stayed together if only she had more examined expectations. I'd say you have every right to think "when" you meet another GF, not "if" (and if you start thinking "if," what am I supposed to think?! )

KiwiHerb wrote:Anyone been through something similar?

Not in an official romantic relationship. I've had a couple, intense and unrequited infatuations (like Dante with his Beatrice, Don Quixote with his Dulcinea). I've also had a few situations where there was affection on both sides but circumstances just wouldn't budge. C'est la guerre. The details would be a whole thread in itself... but even though they all moved on to their own, separate lives, I feel like they gave me a sort of inspiration that no other man shall have.

Now this is a complete non-sequitur, but I just wanted to add that even when I was just lurking on the forums, I would really enjoy your posts. Your avatar makes me automatically picture a jovial Philip Seymour Hoffman narrating everything.

well put, muaddib.
people meet and people seperate, it's a part of life. just like death. the difference is, you'll most likely survive the first one.

i met my first boyfriend in my late teens, and i was sure i was gonna spend the rest of my life with him. i had no idea how feelings for another person worked, so i naturally assumed this was as good as it was gonna get. he was a perfect match, not into sex, nerdy, smart, an overall nice guy. he broke up with me after a little over 3 years for the same reason your gf broke up with you. all i thought was "what am i supposed to do now? i'm never gonna have anything like this ever again." i couldn't imagine anyone else would fit into my way of life, and expect so little of me.

i value the experience, i don't think any experience is pointless, it all makes you who you are, just to be clear. but compared to what i have now, this first relationship is a pale shadow.

what i'm trying to say is, don't ever, ever give up. you'll never know what comes next, it might be something you could never have dreamed up. don't think you've seen it all.

Been there. Sort-of. I will agree that it was better to have not loved at all. It was nice then. Now I'm almost 30 and have all kinds of regrets. It sucks. I could have lived my whole life without just fine.

same here, my best friend just stopped talking to me, someone who speaks spanish wants to be my friend?

KiwiHerb wrote:Anyone been through something similar?

Sort of, but I won't go into detail. Suffice it to say that I became very intimate with someone who made me feel things I had never felt before, and that it didn't work out.

For a while I questioned why I let it happen, but ultimately I don't regret it. The period immediately after the relationship ended was very painful and probably reinforced some of my defenses, but I learned a lot from it -- about myself and about relationships in general. And eventually I moved on.

It may take a while for you to fully digest what happened, but eventually you will move on as well. From there you must make a decision based on what you learned. Knowing what you know now, having tasted what you were missing, will you pursue it again? You will have to answer that for yourself.

Muaddib really puts it pretty much perfectly.

However I can say from experience that I completely understand how you feel. I've done the whole dating thing before and I ultimately came to the conclusion that it was not for me for pricesly because of partners, women who would think like your girlfriend did. The momentary bliss of actually having someone in my life was quickly overwhelmed by the reality that I now had someone in my life who i had a responsibility for. Perhaps social interactions and responsibilities come natural for others through the a need for socialisation this for me did not exist and it was harder for me to want to keep do what was expected of me. Sometimes i really wanted to be alone, for longer periods. Yet i could not.

As for your feelings, i find that for Schizoids maybe because we are so closed off from others that those who we do open up to and can bring closer to us we perhaps place such a great deal of attachment on than normal because of this. I know that I have made that mistake myself anyway, becoming far too attached to certain women only to realise that they didn't actually feel the same way at all or saw love and relationships in another light.

For myself i went through a period of having no one in my life, i was largely content with that until a woman who i kept in sporadic contact with, i knew her from overseas having met her online a long time ago, she had professed to having feelings for me a long time ago however i refused her and we had a falling out that culminated in me feeling rather awkward and due to my wandering nature not keeping in contact with her for a long time until a couple years ago did i patch things up with her by talking and it seems she still had maintained those feelings for me.

After being away for my studies at University i contacted her again during the summer break, it was at this moment my schizoid lifestyle was at its lowest as it often is during the summer i find, i often see couples and people out having fun and seemingly enjoying themselves and it does make me wonder what it would be like to share in that. I got talking again with her and finally gave her what she wanted, I told her I'd be with her and she was happy and so was I because i realised i might have found someone who i could actually trust, the fundamental problem i suffered in previous relationships and someone who actually really did love me. I had long since given up on the idea of a soulmate or true love and thought this woman would be fine to just settle down with, i enjoyed her company and i did care for her and even did love her, perhaps not the same length she did for me but nethertheless i did grow attached to her.

Above all it seemed things would work out, she made plans to come and be with me as she was going to and wanted to originally study at my country for university anyway. For the months i was with her it was blissful, even after i began to feel that my schizoid lifestyle of being alone and free, was being compromised.

Then she told me that she didn't know what her future held for her and didn't want to make me wait, that she had other plans and we fell apart. She became very closed off from me and would often argue, she became overly emotional and closed off and it took me the schizoid to try and get her out of her shell and communicate with me rather than the other way round, it was not an enjoyable experience for me especially with the increased stress of university and the sheer lack of regard i got from her now. i learned that she was having a lot of stress from her family life but she still had the option to come to university here she eventually decided and i think she decided this long ago that she never wanted to.

Her life is her own and i accept that but what upset me most was the way it happened and the time it took for her to get over it, for all the years she professed to loving me and wanting me and i did believe in those times, she left me and got over me so quickly where as i who hadn't spent so long wanting her, was left destitute for having left her inside of my heart.

I learned the next lesson of love that it doesn't matter who a person is or how long you've known them, you can never truly trust them in relationships or in anything for that matter, it seemed her view of love at least for me was quite different.

I also know of your fears of her moving on with other men, i feared the same from her too. I can assure you however that you will heal, i never thought i was but several months later on after enduring such emotional torture and not being able to let her go i finally was able to, what helped was never contacting her, sometimes i did and i notice my mood would go down quite laot when i did so, when i wasn't around her i was fine and i finally learned to distract myself by focusing on either my work or on other things such as reading, writing or video games or even just talking to others i knew. I even turned towards social interactions online in order to distract me and i met a very beautiful woman (both in terms of look and personality) who i've become close friends with though i have no romantic interests as she is similar to myself.

In the end when i learned that she, my ex girlfriend was having casual sex with other men, i didn't care anymore, in fact it helped. Sex is very personal to me and while i don't care or judge about what others do i do inherently feel that its rather pointless and just not quite dignified for yourself to go around giving your body to others. With that i've been able to finally break off all my contact with her.


All i needed was time and to change my outlook, like you i was very bleak in my mindset and i never thought i could get over her, i still cared for her deeply but love is neither all powerful or ever lasting and even the greatest love can fade and mine finally did fade and i am happy to say that i've managed to move back to my Schizoid lifestyle, more assured than ever before that this is the life style for me.

MY advice to you is to break off contact with this woman for good, me and my ex still deluded ourselves with thinking we was fine and friends when it was clear we weren't as we never spoke to each other at all and when we did it was very distant. You don't have to make any loud statements or start an argument with her, simply stop contacting her and that will be that..it can be surprisingly easy after a few days..

i hope this helped and i hope this helped others, to both avoid relationships, while they can be beautiful and blissful sometimes its really not worth it, especially with the wrong type of person and for people like us i think it is best to avoid all relationships altogether and i hope it helps others who are going through a similar situation like the OP and myself. It gets easier but it takes time, you can't rush it unfortunately but you can grow stronger from it.