I'm ashamed of my emotions

That is those that aren't "faked". Especially any emotion that signals weakness. But then again, I figure it's healthy to feel and accept even the latter; it's not like I idealize the schizoid state anymore. It's just pure emptiness, numbness. Sure I can appear tough and uncaring, but that's not my "true self", that I've hidden away with anxiety and alcohol.

Still, strong emotions (not including hate, anxiety and fear) take me by surprise. I burst into tears today after coming home from work. I have been doing some deep introspection this week, reading into narcissism (which I think has some elements similar to SPD) and I recognize some very narcissistic sides in my personality.

But I'm not a narc. I'm not on the "evil axis" of PD's. I feel empathy spontaneusly; it's not pure cognitive, calculative empathy. But this leaves me ###$ up: I feel empathy, yet I'm unable to connect to anyone. I cannot express it.

I'm so ######6 split between avoidance and schizoidism I can't figure myself out.

I can't tolerate being close to people, nor can I tolerate feeling this void.

Just venting, doubt anyone has anything to say on this

Noidea_ wrote:I have been doing some deep introspection this week, reading into narcissism (which I think has some elements similar to SPD) and I recognize some very narcissistic sides in my personality.

But I'm not a narc. I'm not on the "evil axis" of PD's.

I went through a similar phase a few days ago. Then I noticed that the SPD Wikipedia page had been updated to include information on Narcissistic correlations. I recommend reading it.

Me too.

I'm sometimes angry with myself, if I feel emotions I don't like. It's "I should be better than this" kind of thought. But it's not about feeling in general - rather feeling certain things - like being glad that someone failed at something.

Noidea_ wrote: I feel empathy, yet I'm unable to connect to anyone. I cannot express it.

I can relate to his. Frankly speaking, I stopped trying to connect a long time ago. All my attempts were futile.
But it's much easier online (at least for me).

QrvaMatch wrote:I went through a similar phase a few days ago. Then I noticed that the SPD Wikipedia page had been updated to include information on Narcissistic correlations. I recommend reading it.

The info from Wikipedia is literally quoted from Schoid Phenomena, Object Relations and the Self (by Harry Guntrip), but taken out of context. It may be somewhat confusing, but Guntrip meant something different from ''NPD-like'' narcissism. Guntrip defined narcissism as disguised internal object relations. ''His love-objects are all inside him, and moreover he is greatly identified with them, so that his libidinal attachments appear to be to himself.'' Guntrip called it a ''subtly deceptive situation''. So, to put in own words, narcissism according Guntrip is all about loving mentally internalized things or persons (like an imaginative friend) instead of loving ''real'' things or persons from the outside world (like another person in your environment). It means that you love internalized or imaginary things in your head, i.e. parts of your ''self'', hence the term narcissism.

If you want to get more insights in ''NPD-like'' narcisism, I would recommend to read Kernberg and/or Kohut to get more understanding of narcissistic dynamics. However, keep in mind you need a vast amount of basic knowledge on psychanalytic theory to understand that matter properly. It's tough to understand if you're not familiar with.

OK, on-topic:

Noidea_ wrote:I can't tolerate being close to people, nor can I tolerate feeling this void.

This is exactly our basic split, our problem. This is what defines the schizoid. This is the reason for our blunted affect. This is what we're all desperately trying to hide in our unconscious by blunting every emotion. We all have this feelings, but it's completely unconscious most of the time. Consiousness of our true feelings causes pain, but conscious awareness of this split is also the ultimate starting point for therapy. In that sense, you might even benefit for it if you're capable of taking the giant leap into therapy.

Noidea_ wrote:Just venting, doubt anyone has anything to say on this

It's okay to vent. And to be honest, you're right: I don't have anything more to say on this. I can squeeze out even more cliches than I did already, but I'm afraid they won't help you.

I hear ya.

You know what made me feel most ill?
Some random guy dropped his glove; i got this instantaneous sense to notify him. Someone else had already noticed this and pointed him to to the table.

After that that random person said "you're good". But I'm not. Not really

Noidea_ wrote:You know what made me feel most ill?
Some random guy dropped his glove; i got this instantaneous sense to notify him. Someone else had already noticed this and pointed him to to the table.

After that that random person said "you're good". But I'm not. Not really

This annoyed and upset me a bit the worst thing you've probably done exists in your head same as most of us on this board like zonedout says this would be a good time too start therapy. I'm 4 months in with mine and its doing wonders for me recognising relationship self sabotage and dealing with though it can be pretty brutal at times. It was thinking and feeling like your OP that led to THERAPY in the first place. Is not quite telling that despite us schizoids being quite knowledgeable about useless information very few of us have a solid grasp on schizoid dynamics.

I don't really have traits of internal narcissism. My self esteem is almost nothing. For me, it's all detachment, depersonalization, and some self-defeating behavior.

http://dailstrug.blogspot.com/2007/08/psychotherapy-of-schizoid-process-by.html