Schizoid, schizotypal, or neither?

I've always been an introvert with obsessive compulsive tendencies and "quirky". As a kid I thought I could summon the wind by tossing a leaf into the air, and also since childhood I have to repeat certain thoughts in my head to overrule intrusive "bad" thoughts so nothing bad happens or so no one who might read my mind gets offended. But they started to get worse gradually each year starting in high school. I also become paranoid and on guard with everything someone would say to me, looking for a double meaning (usually a negative one). Once I suspected out of the blue that my dad and the neighbor were filming me exercising (even though my dad is not a pervert at all) and then I began meticulously closing all blinds. I've also locked my door at night for as long as I can remember, even further locking it by putting heavy furniture against the door. It wasn't until about a year and a half ago at the age of 19 that I seemed to change drastically. I became even more obsessed with routine than I already was (I've eaten the same few things and worn the same few things since I was young), I developed a stutter and memory and attention problems that still haven't gone away at age 20, and I became even more introverted. I had to withdraw from college for financial reasons, and I didn't even care, nor did I miss any of my friends. I don't even get lonely--ever. I'd daydream about being completely isolated all day and get irritated if my excessive introspection and daydreaming were interrupted. I was living with my mom at the time. I'm a very passive and calm person that usually lacks the ability to get angry, but I was so obsessed with being alone that I'd get violent thoughts if she came home early for work and interrupted my isolation. I got paranoid to the point of being hostile, yet at the same time I felt great. My self-esteem was the highest it ever was. I felt grandiose and more intelligent than ever before. But I was also aggressive and was having thoughts of strangling my own mother just because she was there. I'd even scream and hit the ground if she'd call saying she was coming home early. Or if the doorbell rang. I also developed a sensitivity to sound and would jump or panic if I heard a sudden noise like a telephone ring. Even if I sent a text to one of my parents, it was like I couldn't prepare myself for the sound of their reply, so I had to keep my cell phone on silent. I'd also have times when I'd go into a sort of stupor, with my body feeling like jello, and me feeling like a little kid. I'd get giggly and talk with a slur, or I'd start swaying from side to side and not be able to stop. I stopped being able to process what others were saying to me, so I'd not react appropriately and sometimes just stare blankly before responding, and I'd lose my own thoughts mid-sentence. I became obsessed with health and forced myself to drink 12-14 glasses of water per day and up to 6 in a row. I'd be looking up possible conditions each time my body would have the slightest ailment, and I became more sensitive to physical discomfort than I had been before. I also developed some perceptual disturbances, like feeling like I stepped in a spider web whilst walking, but if I'd look there wasn't one. Once I heard a car honk and then my mom shouting my name, but I opened the door and no one was there. I called her and she said she was never at the house. I'd hear noise in the attic and get paranoid someone might be up there. I thought for a split second my coffee looked like blood or bloody urine, then it switched back. I thought I saw smoke coming out of a gingerbread house I made. I've always been somewhat interested in darkness, like hearses and Gothic Victorian art and attire, but I became even more obsessed with dark themes. I'd daydream about having conversations with Alfred Hitchcock or Marquis de Sade, and sort of thought I might be their reincarnation, or that they were the only ones who 'got' me. I'd focus on these themes and use them in poetry over and over, but the poetry was more like an inside joke--that only me and these people could understand. I would focus on nuance and loosely connecting things other people wouldn't just relate together so that it could be somewhat of a secret what they meant.

But then the odd thinking kind of stopped, for the most part. Now I'm just paranoid, addicted to isolation, rigid and obsessed with my routine, and bored and unattentive in conversations. While I still have the sensory problems, I haven't experienced the perceptual disturbances or violent thoughts when my alone time is interrupted. It's like I switched from being what I thought was in a prodromal schizophrenic phase to just more of a schizoid or aspie, but I've never heard of asperger's showing up in early adulthood like a personality disorder and including some psuedo-psychotic features. I have been told I have tangential thinking though. Also, although I am prone to social phobia and want to be isolated constantly, I'm not painfully shy, and I can be charming and sociable if I have to. I just don't enjoy socializing. I find it boring and futile, and I get irritated that it interrupts my daydreaming and reflection.

So I don't know if I'm schizotypal, schizoid, paranoid personality disorder, covert narcissist, an aspie, just an introvert with a bipolar disorder or general anxiety disorder, introvert with ocd, or an unconventional borderline who clings to myself instead of other people? I'm confused and no one can figure me out. And yes--I've asked professionals.

No one here can diagnose you any better than the professionals you've seen, but to me the combination of your symptoms seems schizotypal (social withdrawal, paranoid ideas, magical thinking, tangential thinking, unusual perceptual experiences). Have you noticed that this forum has a subforum for StPD? It's rather quiet but there is plenty of useful information for someone with schizotypal traits.

Must say that you sound a lot like me, and I'm quite schizoid. Too much of what you said is similar to my own patterns, except for the hallucinations. To be very unscientific about this: I think you don't seem schizoid. After reading this board and all the various posts from schizoids, I see an overarching pattern of how schizoids come across in text, and when a non-schizoid or very mild schizoid posts it's immediately obvious to me in the way they write and the things they describe. I know it's not ideal for me to just state something like that and not be able to point to something specific, it's just my subjective opinion, but I don't get a schizoid vibe from you despite the enormous amount of similarities I have to you. Schizotypical might be more accurate but I know little about that so go visit that forum for more insight.

I think there's too much going on to call it schizoid or schizotypal. The whole clinical picture sounds quite bizarre to me. Given your history, it still might be prodromal schizophrenia. I'm wondering, what did the professionals say to you? Did they thorougly investigate you? Have you seen both a psychiatrist and a psychologist?

I went to a social worker at my first university because I was feeling paranoid when people would walk behind me, and kind of just on guard in general. Both the social worker and the resident psychiatrist ask me a few very broad questions such as "Do you have more energy some times than others?" Of course I said yes, and was kind of low-energy at the time, so they said I had bipolar II with anxiety. She did ask if I was hearing voices though (which I wasn't), but she put me on Seroquel to prevent paranoia and regulate my sleep. The weird things is that when I'm in a better mood the paranoia doesn't go away. I can feel content and relaxed, but paranoid at the same time.

I visit another forum and half the people there think I'm schizoid, but the other half think I'm borderline. I meet more of the DSM criteria for schizoid, but while to my family I seem emotionless, I know and my one friend knows I'm much too sensitive to be a pure schizoid. Paranoia and inconsistency in how sensitive I am could be explained by borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder, but it doesn't explain the unwavering and inflexible preference to be alone, boredom in conversations, inability to become lonely (which is very opposite of borderline), and lack of hobbies/never being really bored (also very opposite). It's almost as if I have a mix of traits of SPD and BPD (the two most contradicting personality disorders), but not enough of either to be either. Yet I know I'm disordered in some way.

Whenever I read about schizotypal pd, they are pretty out there, believing in UFOs and visible spirits and all that. I still seem pretty lucid and articulate to most people---just someone with an eccentric perspective on things. I will say that people misunderstand me sometimes and can't tell if I'm joking or serious. Sometimes people think I'm being vindictive, and I'm not even sure what I said that was inappropriate or vindictive. Those are the people who tend to go with the borderline theory, but I guess I just have a quirky way of wording some things.

Can you tell to what extent your symptoms cause suffering and functional impairment? Do you consider it mild, moderate, severe...?

I haven't had the perceptual disturbances in a year, but I still sometimes have panic attacks if something spontaneous comes up that alters my routine, or if I don't get to be alone when I expected to be. Sometimes I become prone to thinking people sabotage my alone time on purpose to be malicious. It's like a constant war with external things and people I consider nuisances, because I just want to be left alone so I can be optimally happy. I even find myself glaring at my own family members if they enter a room I'm happily alone in. But I'm not depressed. In fact, I'm slightly more social when I'm feeling down because then I am more likely to need a distraction. Because I'm content most of the time, I'm averse to company most of the time. I also experience these fears of bad things happening, such as glancing over and someone with a knife being in my room, or in the shower fears of accidentally cutting my eye out with a razor. The other day I got this vision of a shark with a blade attached shooting through the bed with me sitting on it, impaling me and turning the water all red. Note: These were not hallucinations--just things I imagined could happen and intrusive thoughts.

I've been thinking about your question for a while... I summed up a little of my thought processes here. I hope it can help you somewhat.

Let's get back to your history. You said you felt grandiose for a while, and developed memory and attention problems in the past (which are still present, you said), even lost your own thoughts mid-sentence sometimes. These things could represent (grandiose) delusions and cognitive desorganisation, respectively. You also reported some hallucinations occuring in the past. Therefore, some state of schizophrenia cannot be ruled out yet, I think. Moreover, this...

I'd also have times when I'd go into a sort of stupor, with my body feeling like jello, and me feeling like a little kid. I'd get giggly and talk with a slur, or I'd start swaying from side to side and not be able to stop. I stopped being able to process what others were saying to me, so I'd not react appropriately and sometimes just stare blankly before responding, and I'd lose my own thoughts mid-sentence.

...even sounds like catatonia. Together with some eccentric behavior as a child you told about, it supports my schizophrenia hypothesis even further.

Allright, let's sum it up. In the past, you've experienced delusions (some grandiose delusions maybe, not sure, at least there were some so called persecutory delusions (''paranoid delusions'') I guess). Second, you've also experienced hallucinations and third, you've experienced and still have so called negative symptoms, like diminished emotional expression and asociality (lack of interest and involvement in social interaction. Forth, you said you had and still have some disorganised thinking (you said you developed memory and attention problems in the past which are still present, and even lost your own thoughts mid-sentence sometimes in the past, as well as having current tangentiality). Fifth, in the very past, as a child, you might even have experienced catatonia. These five things (delusions, hallucinations, disorganised thinking, grossly disorganised or abnormal motor behavior (including catatonia) and negative symptoms) are the five key features that define the psychotic disorders (as defined in DSM-IV, or DSM-5, what you like). Assuming that the what you called ''prodromal schizophrenic phase'' lasted for more than a month, it might be hypothesized that you've experienced a ''full'' episode of schizophrenia which is currenty in partial remission. In partial remission because you only seem to have negative symptoms and maybe desorganised thinking at the moment (and maybe some persecutory delusions, although I'm not sure to what extent your paranoid thoughts can be called delusional at the moment). Schizophrenia symptoms often come and go in a wave-like pattern, with periods of partial or even full remission. It might come back in the future, nobody knows. The obsessive-compulsive tendencies might be independent from schizophrenia. The paranoia could exist due to the course of schizophrenia.

Please keep in mind none of us here can give you a diagnosis, it's against the forum rules either. I only stated some hypotheses! I strongly recommend to look for a professional who's able to diagnose you and to help you further.

I have considered schizophrenia or schizoeffective disorder, but what makes me doubt it is that even with the delusions I had and very mild, sporadic hallucinations (that were more like illusions than pure hallucinations), I was and am still a generally lucid person. Even when I had a perception that was peculiar I had the logical thinking to question it. I'm also female and only 20. Usually females don't get schizophrenia until they are in their mid twenties (later than when males get it), and females usually experience more positive symptoms, while it's males who exhibit mostly negative ones. So the only way this is schizophrenia is if that period about 1.5 years ago was just a taste of what won't really hit me for another few years.

saudade7 wrote:I have considered schizophrenia or schizoeffective disorder, but what makes me doubt it is that even with the delusions I had and very mild, sporadic hallucinations (that were more like illusions than pure hallucinations), I was and am still a generally lucid person. Even when I had a perception that was peculiar I had the logical thinking to question it. I'm also female and only 20. Usually females don't get schizophrenia until they are in their mid twenties (later than when males get it), and females usually experience more positive symptoms, while it's males who exhibit mostly negative ones. So the only way this is schizophrenia is if that period about 1.5 years ago was just a taste of what won't really hit me for another few years.

Most schizophrenics do have a considerable amount of insight into their disorder (and it's associated with better outcome). Yes, you're only 20 and you may experience predominantly negative symptoms. However, that doesn't mean you couldn't have schizophrenia. It only says you might not be the ''average female schizophrenic'' if you have it anyway. Schizophrenia is a very heterogeneous disorder, like many other disorders. Believe it or not, but one could have major depressive disorder without depressed mood, think about that. It's the same for schizophrenia: one can have it without ever experiencing hallucinations or delusions at all. Besides, you never know if you'll ever get ''hit'' by your past symptoms again. You can't say it will never happen again, although it might feel comfortable to convince yourself of that.

I still recommend to look for a professional who's able to diagnose you and to help you further if you want to figure this out. I would totally understand if you want a definate answer to this, so would any reasonable professional. Have you considered a legitimate professional so far? Do you think your paranoia will possibly keep you away from it?