Anger Issues

I've noticed when my schizoaffective starts to act up I start to have more trouble controlling my anger. It was this time last year when I started getting bad, and I'm afraid it's gonna be the same, or worse. My anger wasn't this bad last time. I've been hearing things. Like just two nights ago I was staying at a friends house, and she had to work early. I was wide awake messing with my phone and I heard her scream from downstairs "I swear to Christ if you don't get down here right this instant I'm not giving you a ride". So I walked downstairs to tell her I'll just stay but she wasn't even there, I didn't hear the door close or anything and she told me she never said anything like that. I've also been having a lot of nightmares, trouble sleeping, trouble controlling my thoughts. It's like someone else is talking in my head and I tell them to shut the ###$ up most of the time. That's how it was before, way before I was diagnosed with anything. I've always had other people in my head. But when I was put on Seroquel all the voices went away. I'm not on any meds and haven't been for a while and frankly I'm afraid to be put on meds.
Three nights ago I had a dream about killing a little girl and cutting her heart out to become immortal. And I was seriously thinking about doing it yesterday, I was plotting which girl in the apartments I was gonna take into the woods and how I was gonna do it and how I was gonna get away with it. I also thought about killing everyone in the house and how powerful it would feel knowing I stole their lives. I've also been thinking about suicide a lot. It's like I'm inching my way there. I drank an entire bottle of nyquil because I couldn't sleep. Then the next day I drank half a bottle of robotussin because I was angry. I also take like six 1mg klonopins at a time. I just want to eat all of them at once and take all the drugs I have in my house and then slit my wrists. I want to kill my mother, who is sleeping in the room next to me. ###$ I would kill my father and my brother too. They're all worthless anyway. I don't want to think these things but I'm starting to shake and I don't know how I feel.

I'm scaring myself and I have no one to talk to that takes me seriously. I'm afraid the next person who pushes my buttons is going to get hurt. Last time my anger was bad and I snapped I always had just a sliver of enough control to not hurt anyone. But if my anger is worse this time, I don't think I'll be strong enough to control myself or even care.

Hey dude,

I know that you wouldn't feel comfortable mentioning all of that to a doctor, so I won't even ask you to. Just be aware though that dreams are just random thoughts that mean absolutely nothing. I see so many people here who take their dreams literally. You had a dream about killing someone - so what? I have these dreams quite often. I also have dreams where I'm on a boat doing jack-shit. Why do we forget about the non-interesting dreams?

To be honest, I don't think that you genuinely want to kill these people. The anger is more within yourself and you just don't know what to do with it. Drinking won't help it, and you know this dude. So, why do it? C'mon, you've got to get some composure back into your life here. Please reply ASAP... ...

Kevin

Hi __nonreality, well i just wanted to say i've experenced that anger your talking about and it's really really!! bad and just being able to cope soo well is amazeing to say the lieast. Hang in there and you obviusly care about other's getting hurt and that's a very good thing, i swung a carpet roll at a younger kid dureing a youth group thing started at the church i goto and i was that angry and grabbed a hammer or something swinging it at somebody.. everything was soo haZy it was like a videogame and i felt like hurting a poor kid but thank that good inside i dident hurt um, yes broken property and being an outsider all because im ill go figure. Hang in there!

Nonreality, I have such thoughts all the time. I know the fear of losing control and I have lost control and I've hurt people and that is something I don't want to happen again. I have trouble with rage. I don't even get the anger, it's straight to rage like someone throw a switch. It not easy to control, it's not easy to walk away but I don't want hurt anyone. I don't have any advice, I just hope you keep fighting it.