A new way of living my life...

When I was in grade 2, I was bullied because of my "funny" name. When I was in grade 3, I was the victim of name-calling from my brother, and my friends abandoned me. I was miserable and shameful after years of bed-wetting. In grade 10, I began bullying other people. I didn't bully with malicious intent; I noticed that some of my friends were leaving me, and, with the memories of my friends leaving me in grade 3, I decided to change that...I wanted to be the center of attention, whether it was positive or negative. I chose to be the center of NEGATIVE attention, unfortunately. So I started name-calling like my brother. I'm now estranged with one of my friends, and am rebuilding a relationship with another. That's how bad it got.

When I was in grade 8 or 9, my mom struggled with chronic pain. I didn't know this...I just thought she was an attention-whore. So naturally, I didn't treat her very well. I grew up with the mindset of tough love, and I decided to apply this mindset in this situation. But now, as I approach grade 12, I know about chronic pain. I got the experience I needed. Nowadays, I do my best to help my mom with everyday activities, such as walking up and down the stairs, getting her things she needs, etc, etc.

I also spoiled my relationship with my brother. (Please see my latest thread in the relationship forum for more info.)

Now, I have decided to walk the good path. But I have also decided on something else. I need punishment. SO BAD. It's gotten to the point where I imagine that every day is prison for me, because of my guilt and remorse.

I'm not joking. I need punishment so bad. Send me hate mail if you can. My e-mail address is "*mod edit*". I don't want to rely on myself for punishment. Punishment that comes from within is NOT true punishment. That sort of stuff is just self-pity.

-- Wed Jul 10, 2013 7:42 pm --

I almost forgot; when my grandfather died, all I could think about were thoughts like "he couldn't have gone in a more dignified manner?!" In my past, you see, I was a selfish, rotten, spoiled, evil bastard.

mrmr wrote:Nowadays, I do my best to help my mom with everyday activities, such as walking up and down the stairs, getting her things she needs, etc, etc.

Well, at least you're doing something good. Why don't you focus on that?

mrmr wrote:In my past, you see, I was a selfish, rotten, spoiled, evil bastard.

Yeah, in the past. Everyone's a bastard in the past. All you can do now is try to not be a bastard in the present instead of demanding random strangers to punish you because you feel sorry for yourself. Because that's what it looks like to me.

Thanks for being honest. I don't feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for everyone else.

I never understood why people think that whenever someone wants punishment, they feel sorry for themselves. The way I see it, if someone feels sorry for him or herself, they'll obviously try to get comfort. I don't want comfort...not at all.

And there's more that can be done than just "being a good person from now on." I'm sick of people saying that that's the only thing you can do.

-- Wed Jul 10, 2013 9:56 pm --

Wait a minute...maybe you, AllPurposeFeeling, have a point...I don't need to beg total strangers for punishment. Punishment will come when it comes. For now, I need to focus on being the best person I can be.

Wow, I just had a complete epiphany there. Thanks AllPurposeFeeling!

-- Wed Jul 10, 2013 10:07 pm --

Sorry for this double post, as I don't know how to edit my last post, but I just want to say more:

I did affect several people in my life negatively. They have the complete right to say whatever they want to say about me. I truly am sorry, and, looking on the positive side for once, I can only do good things from now on. I'll still get down once in a while, but that's life. I have to play this living game.

I think feeling sorry for yourself is not the same kind of feeling sorry as feeling sorry for other people. If that makes sense.

That being said, I'm glad I could help! I was really worried that my response was too strict or asshole-ish. I'm glad that my words could lead you to find your own truth. I incerely hope that from now on, you'll be able to live life the way you truly want to.

You make a good point about feeling sorry about yourself...I thought about it for a long time.

And I'm glad YOU'RE glad! You may have seemed kind of strict to others, but I needed something like that. I can't thank you enough...because of you, I was able to see the truth.

Dear mrmr,

Please let me say a few words to help you go down the right path.
I think it is admirable that you have acknowledged your problems, that is the first step toward recovery. Any negative energy is like a parasite; it will keep manifesting and soon it will completely take you over. The universe is like a conduit for the energy that you surround yourself with. The more positive you radiate, the more you will receive and vise versa.
The second thing you will have to do is label these issues and ask yourself why they are still in your life. Negative energy leads to selfishness which leads to loneliness. Putting a label on it will let you pinpoint how to get rid of them.
The last thing is to remember that you want your life to turn around, and you can always make up for your past mistakes. I was a victim of some bullying as well as one who did some myself, so I have an idea of what you went through. You have to make a promise to yourself that you no longer will ever tolerate it in your life. When you see yourself or others doing it, eradicate it immediately! The world has no room for such ugly behavior!

I believe in you! You are making the right choice with your life to release this negative trait and every aspect of your life will become better! For every bully we destroy, another 10 fall with them.

Mrmr I think your condition from the other forum you now is enough punishment dear. Try to let some of this go you were a child. Much love