2 types of women who choose not to have children

i was listening to howard stern the other day and he has some guy on who worked with the FBI doing profiling. he made the strangest comment (i'm paraphrasing a bit):

there are 2 types of women who choose not to have children: those who have been through severe emotional abuse as a child, and those who have been through severe sexual abuse as a child.

seeing how what i went through both as a child, i tend to agree with this rather blanket statement. i've never wanted children. never had the desire. i love kids-- don't get me wrong. and i love animals-- would have a 100 pets running around the house if i could.

however, i never had the desire and am in fact adamant about never wanting children. i'd rather die than have kids.

so what is everyone's take on that profiler's statement? any of you agree? any of you think it's a bunch of b.s.? what sayeth you?

I have to disagree with their statement.

I don’t have children. I would rather not go into the reasons for my decision b/c, as highly personal, they would be irrelevant for any general discussion, but I have not been sexually abused as a kid. My parents are one of the most wonderful, open minded and progressive people I have met. True freinds, even more than parents. They are also my greatest supporters in any decision I make.

I totally agree that sometimes reasons for not wanting children may be in some trauma experienced in the early childhood, but there are dozens of other reasons why women may choose not to give birth. On that note, I also understand that sometimes (or even often) it is difficult to comprehend why a healthy woman in a stable relationship and/or financially well- off would choose not to have children. This confusion may lead people to start looking at childhood trauma as the only rational explanation, as they believe. However, things are not always that black and white and we make decisions based on a combination of many personal beliefs and reasons.


This all reminds me of an article I read on BPD. It was written by Dr Gunderson who is one of the most respected and experienced psychiatrists on BPD. The article was about a long standing misconception that all (or almost all) persons with BPD went through a sexual abuse when they were young. At one time, that explanation was almost becoming the one- size- fits- all answer to the development of BPD. He was criticizing that stating that although it is true that some people with BPD have gone through severe abuse, many individuals have not and not only that, but also that many individuals who have been through severe abuse have never actually developed a BPD. He said that for several years during his first consultation with a young person who had been Dx-ed with or suspected of having BPD, parents (especially fathers) were almost begging him to believe them that they have never abused their child and were surprised by his response that he did believe them.

I am sorry that you suffered childhood abuse.

awesome reply, santorini. yeah, my b/f and i really don't get the whole "you have to have a child/ren in order to feel valuable in this society." i honestly don't agree with the profiler's statement because, like you've pointed out, you can't apply the terms "all" or "none" for anything in this life, really.

but if we tweaked his statement a bit, and just said it a bit turned around, "women who've been severely sexually and/or emotionally abused as children, for the large part, do not want to have children," i'd be more apt in believing him. my mother did not want children. she only had us to appease our father. so even though there are women out there who have the children who fit into this strange statement, that doesn't necessarily mean they wanted them, per se. i tend to see this a lot with women (i.e. having the child to appease the man, and later on you find out they didn't want the child and were severely abused children).

it kind of makes sense, too, when you think about it. i didn't have a childhood at all. i was basically a mom to my mom. so now that i'm an adult the last thing in the world i want is to do it all over again and raise children. i want a rest. but the strange thing is, my personality dictates that i always become the caregiver. i love taking care of others. however, luckily i ended up with a b/f who is the caregiver type as well, so i get a rest in the relationship from time-to-time and the relationship is closer to 50/50.

i enjoyed reading your findings regarding the BPD studies. i know i was playing devil's advocate in the first post, really, by trying to get some people to post and get their thoughts on the matter, but, again, i don't like blanket statements either. i once saw a therapist who assumed that "all overweight people suffered trauma in their childhood" (similar to your BPD story). i immediately questioned her reasoning behind that. of course that's an absurd statement to make. that's like saying everyone who smokes suffered childhood abuse as well. there is no correlation. food is as much of a drug as cigarettes.

which brings me to my next thought of physical health/food and mental health: i think there is a huge correlation between the two, especially in light of all the GMO controversy. but, i digress... a different post for a different day.