Codependent: Work motivation is low since breakup

My ex broke up with me back in September, ending an 11 year long relationship. I started therapy after the breakup, and I've been diagnosed as codependent by my therapist.

Breaking up left me feeling like I lacked purpose - I put so much of my energy into trying to take care of my partner (who was an untreated Adult Child of Alcoholics) that I seldom focused on caring for myself. I've gotten a lot better since then, but I still find it hard to be motivated at work. I felt like my purpose for going to work was to provide for me and my partner as a couple, for the good of our relationship. Now that my work only supports me, I feel like I don't have a reason to work.

I'm not sure what to do about it. My job is kind of average, but I feel like I'm good at it (under normal circumstances) and it's a good fit for my skills. I take pride in doing a good job, and so I've been feeling guilty about being unmotivated because it has caused me to be unproductive. But most days, I go in and I feel like it's a huge effort just to make myself accomplish something. Has anyone ever experienced something similar to this? How do I get my motivation back?

It can take some time grieve for an eleven year relationship, and the grief can become complicated if there were co dependency issues. For eleven years, because of the co dependency, your identity was defined by this person, and by your role in the relationship, and as a result, any sense of identity you had would be diminished, compromised and confused. I am guessing that you were quite young when the relationship began, which would have been be a time in your life when a real sense of who you are would be vague anyway.

Establishing a sense of identity can be confusing anyway, and sometimes it can even be emotionally painful, even for a non dependent person, as issues from childhood are touched upon. Perhaps, in therapy, it might help if you could revisit the issues that happened at the time you met your ex, and the issues in your past that happened prior to meeting him. This will help to give you a sense of who you felt yourself to be at the time of meeting him. This might take some time, as the issues are brought up and dealt with, but in time you will make discoveries about yourself, who you were then. It might also be painful as things are unearthed, but your therapist should ensure that you are safe.

The journey to self discovery can also be very rewarding, and actually rather beautiful. It can be almost like a gift, and it is a beautiful journey that continues after therapy has finished, and lasts a life time. People evolve and change, and their sense of who they are adapts to the evolution. It is never too late to discover who you are, and there are many people who have no idea who they are. You have the opportunity to discover yourself, and therefore are fortunate.

I can imagine that for a long time in the relationship, you used the words "we" and "us", I can imagine that when you look back at the relationship you still use the word "we". Can you look back at the relationship and practice using the words "I" and "he" instead of "we"? Do you think that if you could practice doing this your focus might change, and you can begin to remember how YOU felt, how things affected YOU, what YOUR thoughts were etc? This might help you to gain awareness of yourSELF in the relationship.

Breaking up left me feeling like I lacked purpose - I put so much of my energy into trying to take care of my partner (who was an untreated Adult Child of Alcoholics) that I seldom focused on caring for myself. I've gotten a lot better since then, but I still find it hard to be motivated at work. I felt like my purpose for going to work was to provide for me and my partner as a couple, for the good of our relationship. Now that my work only supports me, I feel like I don't have a reason to work.

In order to break away from the co dependency, you need to discover who you are, as I said above. Discovering who you are begins with looking after YOURSELF. Looking after yourself doesn't just include taking care of your emotional health. It means looking after yourself holistically. It means doing the best for yourself, physically, emotionally, sexually, spiritually, and mentally. Just as you did these things for your partner, making him your priority, now it is time to do them for YOU. Be the friend to yourself that you truly need. Neglecting yourself in any of these areas would be abusive, and you need to turn this around, and begin to treat yourself with true love, true friendship, and true kindness. If you can make an effort every day, to make yourself your first priority in a small way, in time you should notice a shift in your attitude. Working for YOURSELF is a good reason. If you work for YOURSEFLF, you are working to feed your body, the body that you look after. If you work for YOURSELF, you are working to shelter your body, the body you look after. If you work for YOURSELF, you are working to clothe your body, the body you look after etc etc. Can you see that by taking care of all your needs, emotional, physical and mental etc, you are looking after yourself, and by looking after yourself, you are acknowledging your existence - not as someone whose sole purpose is to drown herself for another - but as someone who deserves it, by virtue of the fact that she exists and lives. Life isn't a rehearsal. You can choose to embrace it, and all that it has to offer, the good and the not so good. It really is a gift.

I'm not sure what to do about it. My job is kind of average, but I feel like I'm good at it (under normal circumstances) and it's a good fit for my skills. I take pride in doing a good job, and so I've been feeling guilty about being unmotivated because it has caused me to be unproductive. But most days, I go in and I feel like it's a huge effort just to make myself accomplish something. Has anyone ever experienced something similar to this? How do I get my motivation back?

As your attitude towards yourself shifts, so too should your motivation. Depression can also cause a lack of motivation. Please see your doctor to rule this out, and accept any treatment or help for the depression. By treating the depression, if you have it, you are also looking after yourself in the way I described above.

Please let us know how you get on.

Thank you for your reply, masquerade.
I feel like it's important to note that my partner was not a man - I'm a lesbian.
I was young when the relationship began. I didn't have a career then, and I was in school getting a second degree. I was a more directionless person, and I found my career direction later, while in that relationship. I think maybe that is the root of my sense of work being a thing that is meaningless if it is only to support me - I found my career path while in that relationship, as did my ex. I had a deep sense of each of us supporting each other through the effort of discovering our careers, and the value of providing each other with that support. Also, I settled into a job at a good company where I felt confident being fully out of the closet - my work place offers same sex benefits, which is not common of most places where I live. Finding this job marked a number of major changes in my life, as I felt a greater sense of security being open about my identity, more confidence from finding a career direction, and greater financial security.
Of course, there were lots of major changes that occurred in my life during the 11 years we were together. But I had been directionless about my career for a long time, and felt insecure about that before I found my current job. It may be that the emotional weight of it now is tied to that.
It was difficult at first to say "me" instead of "we". I have stopped doing that. I've also been working on healthy weight loss - I am overweight, and I've been eating better and exercising. I've been much more social than I was during the relationship, spending much more time with my friends and making an effort to go out and do things I enjoy in order to meet new people. These are the positive changes I've made in order to do a better job of caring for myself. Those things are going very well.
I'm going to work on being very conscious of the holistic approach you recommend - write it down, put it somewhere I will see it, think about it a lot.

I apologise for assuming you were straight.

It sounds as if you're making great moves forward. Initially, it will be strange not to be part of a couple, as you socialise and rebuild your life. During these times, you'll sometimes experience a sense of loss, but as time goes by, you'll find yourself adapting.

Eleven years is a long time, and many other people,not just those in co dependent relationships, lose a degree of their individuality in a relationship, which is normal as all relationships involve compromise to a degree. In the case of co dependent relationships, there is a lot more compromise, and more of the sense of individuality is lost. In a sense, during the time of the relationship, you may have been subconsciously mourning your loss of individuality, and now it is time to greet it again. Getting to know yourself will take time. It will be tenuous at first, but as time goes by, you will once again become familiar with who you are.

Perhaps now is the time for you to begin to find direction. You will see many signposts ahead, and there will be many choices as to which path you follow, but if you can have the attitude that all paths eventually lead towards self fulfilment, you'll take the right path for you.

No need to apologize. I mention my sexual orientation mostly because in regards to my romantic life, it is completely appropriate to do so. I also feel that being out is important, not in the sense of making sure others use the right gender pronouns when speaking to me, but just to live in a fearless manner. But also, I mention my orientation because often a relationship between two women has a high level of emotional intensity to it. It strikes me as relevant. I've noticed that codepedency seems to often be a female issue (much of the major literature is directly addressed at women), and maybe this is a bit off base, but I feel that the neediness in that relationship - which was a mutual neediness for a long time - was strongly related to us both being female.

Co dependency can also happen in a straight relationship, but perhaps the emotional intensity is greater in a lesbian relationship.

Have things moved forward for you since you wrote your post? How are you now?

Absolutely - anyone can be codependent.

Things are a little better. I'm trying to focus on basics rather than the larger issue - getting enough sleep, using productivity techniques to try to stay focused. It's not a major change - it still seems like I'm having to work very hard to focus. I think it will take some time to see results.

I also had another therapy session. Mostly we talked about my inability to move out of the anger phase after a breakup. I also had this problem with my first girlfriend. That relationship lasted a year, but I remained angry at her for years afterwards. My therapist noted that my mother has never moved out of the anger phase with my dad (from a divorce over 30 years ago), and likewise he's never stopped feeling hurt about being the one who got rejected, even though he has remarried. It gives me a lot to think about regarding why it's so hard for me to reach detachment, and how separation has been modeled to me since I was a kid. And certainly, moving towards detachment would help me restore my focus to caring for myself.

Absolutely - anyone can be codependent.

Things are a little better. I'm trying to focus on basics rather than the larger issue - getting enough sleep, using productivity techniques to try to stay focused. It's not a major change - it still seems like I'm having to work very hard to focus. I think it will take some time to see results.

I also had another therapy session. Mostly we talked about my inability to move out of the anger phase after a breakup. I also had this problem with my first girlfriend. That relationship lasted a year, but I remained angry at her for years afterwards. My therapist noted that my mother has never moved out of the anger phase with my dad (from a divorce over 30 years ago), and likewise he's never stopped feeling hurt about being the one who got rejected, even though he has remarried. It gives me a lot to think about regarding why it's so hard for me to reach detachment, and how separation has been modeled to me since I was a kid. And certainly, moving towards detachment would help me restore my focus to caring for myself.

What you talked about in therapy is very interesting. So you've had a tendency before to remain in the anger stage after a break up? You mother also remained in the anger stage too for thirty years, with your dad still feeling the pains of rejection. It sounds as if these issues are impacting upon the ways that you handle relationships. As you know, we tend to re enact childhood dynamics as adults. Maybe you could delve deeper into this with your therapist. It could also be that anger has become a familiar emotion for you as you have seen it in your mother for so long, and it has almost become a learnt response? I'm only guessing, but if this resonates with you, perhaps you'd like to talk about it with your therapist. I'm sure your sessions with your therapist will be really useful. Yes, moving towards detachment will help you to restore your focus to healthy self care. It sounds as if you've already gained a great deal of self awareness, and will therefore get a lot out of therapy.

Yes, this definitely resonates with me. My therapist suggested that I think about how I would have my parents act, and what I can take away from that. Right away I responded "well, I would have them not continue to dwell on a divorce for over 30 years, that's for sure." My ex was an Adult Child of Alcoholics, and I spent a lot of time in that relationship thinking about all of her learned behaviors and how they made her act the way she did. I think it does me good to focus on my learned behaviors. After this therapy session, for the first time in a long time I haven't felt angry when thinking about the breakup today. I've just felt a little empty about it - a little hurt over what I've lost, but mostly kind of blank, like "yeah, that happened. Can't change it." It sort of feels like my direction has suddenly changed. I think it will take some time before I really know what the effects of thinking about my parents' behavior are, but early on it feels hopeful.

Knowing how many years were wasted by your mother in her anger stage, and knowing how many missed opportunities she had as a result of this will help you to make sure that you don't make the same mistakes. There is always a very useful life lesson in our experiences, and it sounds as if you have the ability to turn them around constructively. It sounds now as if you're feeling rather numb about the situation, and resigned to it, knowing that you can't change it. These feelings will help you to move towards acceptance, although you might find yourself revisiting the seven stages of grief more than once until all the feelings are resolved. I'm glad you're benefiting from therapy.