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The 7 Stages of Grief after the end of a relationship

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Re: The 7 Stages of Grief after the end of a relationship

Postby StartingAnewLife » Wed Dec 14, 2016 4:56 am

I just texted a guy I have been in a attached addictive relationship tonight and told him I need more than a texting relationship. I try to be a thoughtful and caring person. When dating someone I always put my best self out there. When things start going south I wonder why they not putting much into the relationship. Tonight I said goodbye to this person stating we were not a fit and I wanted a significant other in my life which I deserve who can love me as much as the love that I give. I felt a release once I sent this text, but depressed now. I have to pray that Jesus give me his strength not to communicate with this guy again. It was nothing but broken promises that never came to reality. I was the one that encourage him and built him up, but I never felt that from him.
One sided. I read about that sometimes people fail in relationships again and again....because they try so hard to be loved ....and get taken for granted. Childhood issues. I can say I had all kinds of childhood issues within a dysfunctional family. At seven my mother was depressed all the time from her divorce and I took on the role as the mother. Cleaning house, doing laundry, cooking, getting the other kids out the door for school and in the house for dinner. I took on responsibility of family to keep it together. Somewhere in there I lost myself to pleasing others. I still do that stuff today.
I do not like being alone, but it is far better for me to be alone that to put up with a man who
is self centered and has no concern for me. This I am learning. It hurts, but I found strength to stand up for myself tonight. This is such a big step for me. I know I will probably cry myself to sleep but it is ok. Healing takes time. Please pray for me I need it so very much.
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Re: The 7 Stages of Grief after the end of a relationship

Postby aten » Wed Dec 14, 2016 5:25 pm

Ended up here after googling the "list of 7 stages", which I have never heard before, and accidentally came across in a funny facebook post.

Matches my case perfectly. I went though all the stages in 5 months now, lost my sleep, appetite and 30 pounds of weight (kinda happy about the last one). I'm at "depression" stage now, as far as I can tell, although "anger" is still there and probably will never go away.

17-years long relationship, 11 years of marriage. Kinda special case because we only lived married together about 3 years, and then studied in different states so it was long distance connection... She repeatedly cheated me with a new affair about every 2nd year. Typically in the Fall, when she felt depressed and lonely.

I still love her a lot and would forgive everything if she came back, but there is another guy, and she is all over him so was very determined to divorce and kick me out of here life.

Recently I figured that she actually didn't love me already at a time we married. All my life and even our most romantic stories that I was telling all our friends and relatives were based on her lie...

I feel especially lonely because she is in love (or whatever), and doesn't feel any bit of what I feel right now... She caused me so much pain over these years with her betrayal and yet I was always there and supporting here (not only morally).

Whenever she sees me these days in my current state, she always turns a conversation into how every one has something to be happy and thankful about, and she just wants to be happy and wants me to be happy, and how she would suggest we find me a therapist or sign me up with a divorce support group at a local church (I'm categorical non-believer so this comes especially humiliating).

This all is amplified by my social situation, since I just came back from few years abroad, no job and depend on her with a place to stay...
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Re: The 7 Stages of Grief after the end of a relationship

Postby robrobin205 » Sat Apr 01, 2017 2:20 pm

The saddest thing is that we come and go in this world. Sometimes I ask myself about the meaning of life. At the end, there will be nothing.
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Re: The 7 Stages of Grief after the end of a relationship

Postby twentysix1 » Wed Aug 09, 2017 1:31 am

At the end of my last relationship of six years, it happened like this for me -

1. Shock or Disbelief
I couldn't believe that this was actually happening, as he left to go and stay at a friend's place that night and left me alone. He had been thinking about ending things for months and I had no idea.

2. Bargaining
I asked him profusely what the reasons were for the break up and I had something to come back with for everything he said. I was convinced I'd be able to get another chance.

3. Denial
I would tell people that he had just felt like he'd lost himself and we'd be OK again soon.

4. Depression
I fell into a deep depression, still in denial, waiting for him to come back to me.

5. Anger
How could he have done this to me? Six years? An engagement? How dare he throw it away!

6. Guilt
I had obviously done alot to contribute to the break up, which I was in denial about. When I allowed this to come to the surface, the guilt damn near killed me.

7. Acceptance
We did get back together to give it another shot, which only lasted 3 weeks. It wasn't right. He was right, we weren't right for eachother any more. The fact that he gave it this last chance helped me accept that it wasn't going to be the same anymore and really helped me move on.

Now, I honestly, 100% do not want to be with him. We are still friends & talk semi-regularly. I'm seeing someone else, and I'm pretty happy to say the least :)
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Re: The 7 Stages of Grief after the end of a relationship

Postby Taramafor » Sat Sep 23, 2017 9:05 pm

Acceptance and Hope


Let's cover this one for a moment. Hope? I'm going to guess that this means hoping to meet someone new. Because it sure as hell isn't hopeful with the person you just lost. No one's a replacement logic.

Going to add on from there too. I've never given up hope. I let others do that. Where most would have walked away I kept on going, even if others might have walked away for a time (It can appear like you lost someone when distance is put in when that's not the case). It's gotten me closer to someone with major trust issues, had that same incompatible person get more compatible with me (Many would have moved on due to incompatibility) and now we're together and couldn't be happier. Feels like the stuff out of fairy tales. You don't magically find someone that fits you, you make it work. Even if you do share the same needs. And we didn't at first, I can tell you that. Still don't really but that's ok. No one's the same.

There's also a story about an angry ex giving me a face full of hate and blame and now I'm one of the few people she can open up with. While she has an SO, simply remaining in touch has caused amazing, unlikely good things to happen, and if I had tried a little more perhaps we'd even be a thing instead. Doesn't feel like I've "moved on" from her in the least despite this. There's another ex where it's a closer case of "moving on", but this is something of a special case due to code black bad situation scenarios (Then again same can be said for the first ex) and the fact that she's in a rough spot. This causes her to panic and get stressed easily. The people that move on tend to be those that let their fear of being close with X person get the better of them. Any number of reasons could factor into this but in the end it circles back to fear of something. Neglect, looking after each others needs, wondering what might be expected of you or what is assumed of you. All of which can lead to mistrust. Ironically I've come to learn that even mistrust doesn't mean someone doesn't care about you. Can easily be a case of another not trusting themselves with you. People tend to be hard on themselves for assuming things that aren't true. This seems to be what causes distance in the first place. I have a talent for getting others to be braver with me. Though it is something I had had to learn the hard way.

The only time I lose hope with someone is when someone else decides I'm not worth the effort and moves on from me. For example, when someone assumes the worst of me and lets their fear get the best of them and cause them to avoid communication or/and flee in terror.

There's also making sure I'm not the reason others are moved on from too. Circling back to who I'm with now. They had another partner at first (They're still together. I've actually helped them remain together somewhat too. Feels good). Was more up their butt and took more of an interest in them. Felt hopeless for me. But did I give up? Nope. Just went "I matter too regardless of relationship labels" and got the time. Then I got the relationship later after communication. I think the mistake many people make is letting a hopeless situation get the better of them. There are times a situation can "feel" hopeless, but that simply means things need to be worked on. In my experience it's the fear of appearing selfish that can hold people back from that. This can further lead to lying to spare each others feelings. Then it all goes downhill from there. First things I got established was "You're not being nice to me not telling me things. Let me know how I'm hurting you without knowing so I can do something about it." People can be afraid of saying "this is how you hurt me", but it needs to be said when it happens. And the sooner the better.

That's why I enjoy not having my feelings spared. Nor do I spare another's. I make people feel like they matter but if there's an issue somewhere I make it known ASAP. Just like I'd want an issue with me pointed out right away too. Honesty, you know.

Sometimes people put in distance and it can "feel" like a relationship is over too. And maybe it even is officially. But that doesn't mean it's "over" either. It's the whole "People saying one thing and meaning another and actually not knowing what they want" thing. Kinda technical but not really. Tends to circle back to not expressing enough of an interest in each other and struggling with looking after each others needs. Those things can be a struggle. It has been with my and who I'm now with. It was a simple case of "Cold feet" and "False starts" with new things. The way I handled it was by getting them to try. If they didn't try they remained in the lazy habit. I didn't force it though. But if I left it alone too much they'd be hard on themselves for not trying. Trying is enough. Made sure they wanted to do it. Slow process at first. Now faster. Don't need to be magically good at something, just willing to make the effort too. Don't avoid each other for being different when you care, just make the effort for each other. Simple as. Anything you want me to do? You're damn sure I'm going to try to do it. Have done too. Things I've been uncomfortable with before I now enjoy because of the company involved. I'd still be uncomfortable with things in general without that company, but with the company I enjoy it. Then again I can't enjoy anything without company really. But I digress.

And this in turn comes down to needs themselves. But this is an easy one. "Look after me in all my needs and I'll go out of my way to look after yours and be there for you". Don't have to be alike, just need to look after each other. Which is how people become alike later, which can seem impossible to happen at a previous date. Can't tell you how often I've faced nope logic and overcame it. People tend to fear change. And believe me, I do understand why. I've seen it happen in bad ways. But that doesn't mean change itself is bad.

Just, you know, make sure you're there for someone first so they have a reason to be there for you in turn and make sure expressing of interest in each other is in place first. And above all else keep the honesty in place.
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Re: The 7 Stages of Grief after the end of a relationship

Postby nknowledge » Fri Oct 13, 2017 2:32 am

Good read...all true! The hardest part is when you are in the denial stage.
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Re: The 7 Stages of Grief after the end of a relationship

Postby TrialError » Tue Oct 17, 2017 4:42 pm

masquerade wrote:Typically, the seven (7) stages of grief are described as:
- Shock or Disbelief
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Guilt
- Depression
- Acceptance and Hope

The end of a relationship is like a bereavement. In addition to the loss of the partner, a person may have to contend with changes in his/her social life, find a new place to live, adjust to living alone, take care of practical arrangements and finances, contend with custody issues if there are children involved, deal with feelings of rejection and abandonment, deal with feelings of inadequacy, betrayal and jealousy if there was another person involved, and somehow find a way to cope with day to day living. If the relationship was abusive or toxic in any way there will be many more feelings to contend with.

In any loss or bereavement, a person typically goes through seven stages of grief. They may not occur in the above order, and some of the stages may coincide with each other. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, no two relationships are the same and every person is different. Even if a person initiated the break up, he/she will still feel a sense of grief and loss.

The issues that occurred in previous relationships may be revisited, and the feelings relived once more. This is more likely to happen if these issues were unresolved and the person has repeated these patterns in subsequent relationships. Therapy can be a great source of help in these cases.

The Stages of Grief:

Shock and Disbelief - The person may not be able to comprehend that the relationship has really ended, and these feelings may be all consuming. This stage may overlap with the next stage which is:

Denial - The person may not accept that the relationship is over and may continue to pursue their ex partner.

Anger - The person may seek to blame their ex partner for the break up, ruminating on their faults and feeling and expressing a great deal of annoyance and hostility towards them.

Bargaining - The person may seek to win their partner back, promising to change or make compromises.

Guilt - The person may blame themselves for the break up, and may at this time have a very low sense of self esteem. They may wish they had done things differently, or said things differently and take on board all of the blame.

Depression - The person may have feelings of sadness or hopelessness, withdraw from social relationships and spend a lot of time brooding and ruminating. They may cling on to memories of their partner, play the same songs repeatedly and day dream about what might have been.

Acceptance - The person now begins to feel a fresh sense of hope, and they think of their partner less often. They will not feel the same sense of raw pain, and will resume social relationships. They may even begin to seek out a new partner. From time to time they may feel nostalgic, but they will accept that the relationship is now over.

If you are getting over a break up, it is best to take things slowly, a step at a time. Accept that you will go through these stages, and that they won't be easy. Talking things through with a friend or a therapist can help enormously and help you to make sense of the emotions that you're going through. This is especially important if the relationship was toxic in any way. Remember that there is nothing wrong with you, and that what you're going through is normal. You have every right to be happy again, and if you remember that true happiness comes from within and is not dependent upon any one person, you have every chance of finding it. Treat yourself with love and kindness, be gentle with yourself and try to find one thing in every day that pleases you.



Good to know. Thanks for sharing.
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Re: The 7 Stages of Grief after the end of a relationship

Postby Andrea1128 » Wed Jan 10, 2018 3:47 am

This was really helpful for me, I love the point you made on making sure that you acknowledge your sadness and not letting it destroy you. Perhaps a new start sounds like a great idea! Thank you for this!
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Re: The 7 Stages of Grief after the end of a relationship

Postby MerryJ » Fri Jul 27, 2018 1:40 pm

I really can not describe exactly how I feel after a break up - I am so emotional that I feel everything at once, but most of all at the beginning it just hurts and I cry...
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Re: The 7 Stages of Grief after the end of a relationship

Postby Taramafor » Fri Aug 16, 2019 4:31 pm

Typically, the seven (7) stages of grief are described as:


Is there such a thing as a "typical" relationship? It's always "X and Y". You and them. We're not those people. Part of me wants to say no, but another part of me also knows people make easy, common mistakes and then give up on each other. More on the "giving up or not" part later. Too many people don't care enough to keep trying. eg: "Am I worth the effort". And if not after I pour out all my heart and soul for you then why (In my experience, irrational fear. Some people control that and are aware. Others seem to be more in denial).

- Shock or Disbelief


This happens in HEALTHY relationships too. Or rather even a healthy relationship will have its surprising moments. The MOMENT shock/disbelief comes into play this is where I push hard for communication. Even if talks are "forced". It works. People might not like having to talk about the bad things but if they weren't talked about it would lead too...

- Denial


This I avoid at ALL costs. Not just in relationships either. Denial has a way of leading to depression which in turn can lead to insanity (which in turn can lead to worse things, like suicide. Or not caring about anyone at all. I am talking from past experience here, both good and bad). I make sure I'm always aware. I always make sure others are aware regardless of wherever they want to be or not (often people don't want to be at first. Keep that in mind). Getting them to listen can be the trick. It tends to be in the questions. Maybe calling bull to a situation at times. Putting them in a similar situation you're in (or even calling them a hypocrite. eg: Make it about shades of grey and not black or white). All depends on the situation and context.

- Anger


An emotion I rarely feel. If anything I'm more likely to get down about a situation. Which can lead to guilt. Which can be a good thing, because then someone is seeing how they affect you instead of turning a blind eye to it. Can lead to talks. Is it guilt tripping? Well, hiding it would be worse. Blame game is counter productive though. But if you're doing stuff with others and I'm here twiddling my thumbs I'm pointing out we need a talk (which goes good for me). Instead I make it about responsibility. I'm quite sure many relationships go bad because they play the blame game instead of focusing on responsibility. You might know you care and not really see only the worst of each other, but the wording is extremely important. Say a lie often enough and you start to see it as the truth... That circles back to denial. But anger factors in too. Be wary of that.

- Bargaining


Ok, let's just get one thing clear here. It's a relationship. I want things. You want things. We ALL want things. Even outside of relationships. If you think a relationship is "being selfless for the other person alone" then nope. You CAN want to make someone happy for their sake and not yours, but there comes a point in time it comes to "give and take". In the interest of knowing you're both making the effort for each other (fair or not). I'm going to add something else instead of bargaining. "Making it a choice". Trades themselves aren't a bad thing. Often people try to "make you choose" though. It's unfortunately common. And I always see this going badly. In fact, it's because of such a situation that I went insane (not a metaphor. Worst when it's people related and you're put in the middle). Things worked out in the end though. For me. Others can't be so lucky (or skilled?)

- Guilt


See my pain. I will SHOW my pain. I AM afraid of showing it but I will NOT hide it. No lies. No secrets. Will be in your face about it, but I'll also be in your face about my love and making you happy too. There are reasons why I hurt you (or make you happy. Reassurance also important). There are reasons why you hurt me. Examine. Communicate. If I'm STILL hurting long after then I'm STILL hurting. Some people might use deception to pretend to be hurt or otherwise got used to pain so much they can't get out of a rut (that's where trust about honest feelings come into play). That's where the complicated part factors in. Honesty and not sparing feelings in the interest of truth and logic seems to work. There's a bright side to this too. If you're being hard on yourself and know your problems I'm going to try and cheer you up and let you know you're not as bad as you think. Often we're being harder on ourselves then others. Something to keep an eye out for. Letting others know to take a break when they're down also helps.

- Depression


Way off the mark with the location. It actually goes higher up the list. In my experience and observations depression comes long BEFORE this point. It ties in with denial, you see. Thing is people tend to HIDE it. I can detect it more easily then others (That "nothing" is something. Be straight with me). It avoids a lot of muck ups. It might help if you treat depression like denial. Because if someone is in denial you know something is bothering someone. If left to grow and fester it gets worse. Which is probably what you mean when you put depression at this point and not higher up, where denial is. It's there. Most just don't see it until later. At which point things get quite out of hand. Deal with it SOONER rather then later.

- Acceptance and Hope


If you want to call being insane when you know someone cares about you hope, sure. I actually did try to "move on" from my first relationship. I also didn't feel hope when I realised another person saw only the worst of me (of which was not true. The former situation was bad but was also true). I simply stopped caring (about the second person who saw me as someone I'm not) and was happier with others. But I had no "hope about them". If that makes sense. As for the first person I mentioned (the one I went insane over) I never gave up. Always reached out. Until I no longer did and they were there. If I had "accepted the loss" that wouldn't have happened. And often people accept a loss without trying hard enough. Because, let's be honest, when you're depressed and in a rut it's hard to keep trying for someone. Even when you do care. Anyway, my point here is "Keep reaching out until the situation changes". The only reason you imply "accept a loss" is because you're more used to that being the "reality". Thing is some people will be there even if they hate your guts and are afraid of you (communicate the hell out of that). And some will assume the worst of you when it's not true and not even listen as they play the goodbye forever card. The trick seems to be in the honesty of the situation. Good or bad. And talking about reasons and stuff. Up to you if they're worth it or not.

There's also a BIG oversight with this list. At no point has "Control" or "Deciding for others" been listed (and it happens much much more often then you'd think. In good ways as well as bad). A very very common mistake that is made. Both in and out of relationships. Reason I point this out is because the first thing I do is go "Here's some things about me you don't like. I got reasons for it and it's for my sanity". Anyone tried to control that? Well... I just thing topics like "control" should be addressed. You might not like the idea of "controlling each other" but that IS what you're doing. Through incentive and "being there". etc. For example, you want to sleep in the bed and make them happy and therefor you make every effort to make your partner happy. But if you had to make them sad because of "honest communication" I consider it wise to control that situation too. What tends to be dangerous is the LACK of control. If anything fear the lack of it.

Also pointing out feelings are feelings and even if someone SAYS they're done with you that doesn't change what's in their heart (be it the presence or the lack of you in there). What I mean by this is a "relationship" is always there. You're just not THERE to see it if you're not around. That does not however mean you are not still affecting someone you care about or not. If I'm pedantic with my wording it's because I have no idea if you care about whoever you're "not" seeing. Just don't pretend you aren't affecting them regardless. People tend to want to turn a blind eye to this so I'm pointing it out.
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