Typically, the seven (7) stages of grief are described as:
Is there such a thing as a "typical" relationship? It's always "X and Y". You and them. We're not those people. Part of me wants to say no, but another part of me also knows people make easy, common mistakes and then give up on each other. More on the "giving up or not" part later. Too many people don't care enough to keep trying. eg: "Am I worth the effort". And if not after I pour out all my heart and soul for you then why (In my experience, irrational fear. Some people control that and are aware. Others seem to be more in denial).
- Shock or Disbelief
This happens in HEALTHY relationships too. Or rather even a healthy relationship will have its surprising moments. The MOMENT shock/disbelief comes into play this is where I push hard for communication. Even if talks are "forced". It works. People might not like having to talk about the bad things but if they weren't talked about it would lead too...
- Denial
This I avoid at ALL costs. Not just in relationships either. Denial has a way of leading to depression which in turn can lead to insanity (which in turn can lead to worse things, like suicide. Or not caring about anyone at all. I am talking from past experience here, both good and bad). I make sure I'm always aware. I always make sure others are aware regardless of wherever they want to be or not (often people don't want to be at first. Keep that in mind). Getting them to listen can be the trick. It tends to be in the questions. Maybe calling bull to a situation at times. Putting them in a similar situation you're in (or even calling them a hypocrite. eg: Make it about shades of grey and not black or white). All depends on the situation and context.
- Anger
An emotion I rarely feel. If anything I'm more likely to get down about a situation. Which can lead to guilt. Which can be a good thing, because then someone is seeing how they affect you instead of turning a blind eye to it. Can lead to talks. Is it guilt tripping? Well, hiding it would be worse. Blame game is counter productive though. But if you're doing stuff with others and I'm here twiddling my thumbs I'm pointing out we need a talk (which goes good for me). Instead I make it about
responsibility. I'm quite sure many relationships go bad because they play the blame game instead of focusing on responsibility. You might know you care and not really see only the worst of each other, but the wording is extremely important. Say a lie often enough and you start to see it as the truth... That circles back to denial. But anger factors in too. Be wary of that.
- Bargaining
Ok, let's just get one thing clear here. It's a
relationship. I want things. You want things. We ALL want things. Even outside of relationships. If you think a relationship is "being selfless for the other person alone" then nope. You CAN want to make someone happy for their sake and not yours, but there comes a point in time it comes to "give and take". In the interest of knowing you're both making the effort for each other (fair or not). I'm going to add something else instead of bargaining. "Making it a choice". Trades themselves aren't a bad thing. Often people try to "make you choose" though. It's unfortunately common. And I always see this going badly. In fact, it's because of such a situation that I went insane (not a metaphor. Worst when it's people related and you're put in the middle). Things worked out in the end though. For me. Others can't be so lucky (or skilled?)
- Guilt
See my pain. I will SHOW my pain. I AM afraid of showing it but I will NOT hide it. No lies. No secrets. Will be in your face about it, but I'll also be in your face about my love and making you happy too. There are reasons why I hurt you (or make you happy. Reassurance also important). There are reasons why you hurt me. Examine. Communicate. If I'm STILL hurting long after then I'm STILL hurting. Some people might use deception to pretend to be hurt or otherwise got used to pain so much they can't get out of a rut (that's where trust about honest feelings come into play). That's where the complicated part factors in. Honesty and not sparing feelings in the interest of truth and logic seems to work. There's a bright side to this too. If you're being hard on yourself and know your problems I'm going to try and cheer you up and let you know you're not as bad as you think. Often we're being harder on ourselves then others. Something to keep an eye out for. Letting others know to take a break when they're down also helps.
- Depression
Way off the mark with the location. It actually goes higher up the list. In my experience and observations depression comes long BEFORE this point. It ties in with denial, you see. Thing is people tend to HIDE it. I can detect it more easily then others (That "nothing" is something. Be straight with me). It avoids a lot of muck ups. It might help if you treat depression like denial. Because if someone is in denial you know something is bothering someone. If left to grow and fester it gets worse. Which is probably what you mean when you put depression at this point and not higher up, where denial is. It's there. Most just don't see it until later. At which point things get quite out of hand. Deal with it SOONER rather then later.
- Acceptance and Hope
If you want to call being insane when you know someone cares about you hope, sure. I actually did try to "move on" from my first relationship. I also didn't feel hope when I realised another person saw only the worst of me (of which was not true. The former situation was bad but was also true). I simply stopped caring (about the second person who saw me as someone I'm not) and was happier with others. But I had no "hope about them". If that makes sense. As for the first person I mentioned (the one I went insane over) I never gave up. Always reached out. Until I no longer did and they were there. If I had "accepted the loss" that wouldn't have happened. And often people accept a loss without trying hard enough. Because, let's be honest, when you're depressed and in a rut it's hard to keep trying for someone. Even when you do care. Anyway, my point here is "Keep reaching out until the situation changes". The only reason you imply "accept a loss" is because you're more used to that being the "reality". Thing is some people will be there even if they hate your guts and are afraid of you (communicate the hell out of that). And some will assume the worst of you when it's not true and not even listen as they play the goodbye forever card. The trick seems to be in the honesty of the situation. Good or bad. And talking about reasons and stuff. Up to you if they're worth it or not.
There's also a BIG oversight with this list. At no point has "Control" or "Deciding for others" been listed (and it happens much much more often then you'd think. In good ways as well as bad). A very very common mistake that is made. Both in and out of relationships. Reason I point this out is because the first thing I do is go "Here's some things about me you don't like. I got reasons for it and it's for my sanity". Anyone tried to control that? Well... I just thing topics like "control" should be addressed. You might not like the idea of "controlling each other" but that IS what you're doing. Through incentive and "being there". etc. For example, you want to sleep in the bed and make them happy and therefor you make every effort to make your partner happy. But if you had to make them sad because of "honest communication" I consider it wise to control that situation too. What tends to be dangerous is the LACK of control. If anything fear the lack of it.
Also pointing out feelings are feelings and even if someone SAYS they're done with you that doesn't change what's in their heart (be it the presence or the lack of you in there). What I mean by this is a "relationship" is always there. You're just not THERE to see it if you're not around. That does not however mean you are not still affecting someone you care about or not. If I'm pedantic with my wording it's because I have no idea if you care about whoever you're "not" seeing. Just don't pretend you aren't affecting them regardless. People tend to want to turn a blind eye to this so I'm pointing it out.