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My new boyfriend is obsessed with me. Should I be cautious?

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My new boyfriend is obsessed with me. Should I be cautious?

Postby gina303 » Fri Jan 20, 2012 9:21 am

Hi. :0) I'll just get straight to the point: I am currently in a relationship, that I no longer want to be in because of my boyfriend's behavior- which I'm not sure if I should be cautious or not in breaking up with him. I personally don't believe in searching the web to try and diagnose with him with any kind of mental or personality disorder; but I'm beginning to believe that he may suffer from either one, the other, or both.

Long story short: When I was about 14 years old, we were dating. Young love. You know how that goes. However, when I was 15 and he was 18, he was encarcerated and sentenced to 16 years in prison. We lost contact, and because he was released early (after serving 12 years because of good behavior), we recently found each other and started dating again. He is now 30 years old.

When we started dating again, I prepared myself to be patient with him. Because of where he has spent a good majority of his life, I told myself that there might be some emotional immaturity on his part, underlining this relationship.

Of course (like all relationships), we had our "honeymoon" stage that lasted all of 2 months. When we had our first arguement, he threatened not only to revoke his own parole and go back to jail (by calling the police on himself- in which he did call them), but he also threatened to kill himself- as he proceeded to walk into incoming traffic on a VERY busy street. The arguement was NOT that serious. True: those actions alone should have triggered all sorts of red flags in my mind. But trying to be understanding (because of his encarceration) and making excuses for him, I stayed with him in hopes this wouldn't be his reaction to everything that went wrong. In all honesty, I saw this bahavior as a method to make me feel sorry for him. However, if it's one thing I can't stand, is someone hung up on self pity. I absolutely HATE it. Therefore the suicidal threat (and I'll tell you about a few more threats in a minute), I took very lightly.

Upon reconciliation, he apologized prefusely- and admitted that he was obsessed with me; which was the reason for his actions. He told me he wouldn't be able to live without me; and the thought of me walking away would kill him. Literally. He also stated that he didn't care what happened to himself. We went on into a long drawn out conversation; and I learned that he had been physically abused by his parent, BADLY. (Sticks to the face, bricks to the head, having to get his head stitched up, etc.) Another red flag in which I ignored. (I'm so stupid)

Shortly after that, he got into a small dispute with a family member that he was staying with. Evidently, this dispute was over me. This family member did not want him to be with me for whatever reason. As that family member began to talk down on me, he decided that he did not want to live there anymore; and asked if he could stay with my sister and I. Because the house is in my sister's name, it was ultimately her decision. She said "yes".

A few weeks had gone by, and everything was going alright. He was fixing things around the house and being very helpful with the cleaning. His job had actually decreased his hours because of the winter time, so he had a lot of time at home to clean. That's when I began to realize that he cleans things compulsively. Almost somewhat like a "germaphobe". He bleached the entire kitchen and bathroom every day. He took showers about every two hours. He even bathed the dog about 3-4 times a week. (I have a 95 lbs chocolate lab!) Not to mention that he would wash his hands like doctors do: all the way up to his elbows. Now, most people would say that there is nothing wrong with a man wanting to be clean. And.... I agree. But when that's all he can think about from the time he wakes up until the time he goes to sleep.... that's a little much. And my sister and I aren't dirty people; so the house was never really dirty to begin with.

Six weeks have now gone by, and because of his hours decreasing at work, bills were starting to pile up for my sister and I. Even though he had been putting in applications here and there, he was never really persistent with it. I explained that my sister was getting a little irritated, and that he needed to find a job ASAP. That's when he started going to work with me (I work downtown). (This is where the obsessive behavior starts to rear it's ugly head). Instead of looking for jobs downtown (so he could be close to me), he would wait outside for me for hours. For me to take a break, or to leave work for the day. At this time, things had become rocky in our relationship because of his lack of motivation to find work.

Shortly after this, my sister had decided that she's had enough. She asked him to leave our home. That day, he (again), called the police on himself because he figured he had no where else to live. So he might as well go back to jail. Again: this is an attempt to make my sister change her mind about him staying. When the police arrived, he took off, of course. Later that night, about 3 am, he came to the front door drunk, and freezing. I let him come in for a brief moment to warm up. After which, he went straight back to my sister's bedroom, woke her up, and started crying- BEGGING for her to let him stay with us. She stayed firm on her original decision, and asked him to leave. He left out of the house only to return in 5 minutes, asking if I would come outside and talk to him. At this point, I was kind of put out by his rude, inconsiderate, self pittying behavior. And he knew it. I went outside and asked him for my cell phone back that I had been letting him hold/ use for the past couple of months. He told me that he'd dropped my phone, and a car ran over it. Five minutes later, he showed me that my phone was in the sewer underneath the street. I was livid.

As he continued crying and begging for me to talk to him, I walked away to head back into the house. Again, he walked out into oncoming traffic with another suicide threat- and actually made a car swerve around him! He actually almost got hit! I was SO done after this night. But not in his eyes.

The next day, he showed up at my job. I have NO idea how he even got inside the locked doors that led to my desk (I work in a secured building); but there he was- walking toward me. Crying again. I walked him outside and told him not to come up to my job anymore; or I would get fired. And of course, for the remainder of the day, he flooded my email inbox with apologetic letters begging for me not to leave him; because he wouldn't be able to live without me. I did not respond to any of the emails.

Once I got off work, he was downstairs waiting in the doorway for me. That's when I began to get angry. I told him I didn't want to be with him- to leave me alone- and to move on with his life. I told him his behavior was scaring me. He apologized again, and made another suicide threat.

Later that night, he showed up at my house again. Wanting to pick up the rest of his things. Personally, I'm no dummy. His visit was not about clothes. However, I gathered them, and gave them to him. Again, he asked if I would come outside to talk to him. I told him "no", and closed the door.

That following Sunday, he showed up in the church that he knows that I attend. He didn't say anything to me. He just sat in the back of the church looking sad. I began to feel bad for him. So I started talking to him again, and now we're back together. (BIG MISTAKE)

Now, I'm dealing with false accusations of being unfaithful, not wanting to be with him, and accusations that I intentionally do things to make him angry. (Things like: not answering my phone when I know he wants to talk to me- or not responding to him on facebook). (Not to mention, he DOES call back to back to back when I'm not able to answer.) When I suggest that we take some time from each other, he just starts crying, and takes all of it back. Now we're arguing a lot over small things. Our arguements are not physical...... yet. But they are pretty intense.

I recently visited his apartment that he's sharing with another family member- and now he has at least 11, almost poster sized pictures of me nailed to his wall. Yeah. I'm just a LITTLE creeped out.

Even though he has never demonstrated any violent behavior towards me within the past few months we've been together.... should I be affraid or cautious even when I break up with him for good? I just can't keep dealing with this type of behavior. This is creepy. I want out. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!

And sorry my passage is so long.
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Re: My new boyfriend is obsessed with me. Should I be cautio

Postby jasmin » Thu Jan 26, 2012 1:04 pm

Hi, gina303! Sorry about the late reply. Yah, he sounds obsessed with you and it's pretty creepy. You could tell him you want to break up and call the police if he gets really angry, even if he doesn't hit you. Maybe tell them you were scared? Or you could ask them what you can do to get him to stay away from you, maybe a restraining order or something.
It's sad that he was in jail for so long and his life is messed up. Has he ever tried to have therapy to help him deal?
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