So damn painful...

It is so painful... The first time that I found a girl who can brighten up my saddest of days, the first time that I tried to fix my issues for someone, the first time that I found someone who I felt like can actually love me... I was so foolish to think those things... The thing is she just doesn't seem to like me... We used to talk but now she seems to be avoiding me... she is somewhat a lot closer to the other boys than she is with me... She is kind to everyone so I might have gotten the wrong vibe... All I wanted was to make her happy and its so painful to know that I am incapable of those things... I don't easily get attracted to someone, but when I do its deep... I don't look at appearances, I look at the "inside" of a person... What can I do? I feel so lonely. I feel empty... I really felt she can fill those gaps in my heart... I have a lot of other problems and this is not helping me at all... I disregarded every last bit of negativity and inferiority whenever I try to talk to her, I was always in my "best" but apparently I'm not good at all... FOREVER ALONE!!!

Don't pity yourself that's one thing you need to avoid. Girls like guys who have strong personality and confident about their self. If you like her make some move, don't stay at the corner and be a loner it won't help to win her. Winning a woman's heart is a competition, if she can see you that you are weak then it's a big turn off . Prove to her that you can compete to any other guy. Don't be weak! You can do it just believe in yourself.Be honest to her on what you feel and give your very very best!! Goodluck

I've actually done those things... I've tried many times to initiate a conversation but most of the time things don't go too well... I somehow was able to hide every last bit of self doubt, self hate, negativity, inferiority, anxiety, etc... I always stepped on my best foot... I did not mind every last bad thing that has happened to me... I did not let my past interfere with my present... I tried my best... but... the possibility that she is taken is also high...

Should I ask her directly about it? I don't think I'm even on her friend zone... We do talk and chat... Mostly about school work though... I also tried to get her number but to no avail... She just doesnt seem to like me, not in any way did she show any interest whatsoever...

It might be that she can see through my "facade"... I mean I did my best to hide everything that has bothered me... Made her laugh a few times during class but thats it...

This has been causing me a lot of stress, depression...

Long story short... I'm trying to fix my life... things look good... but this girl is destroying every progress that I made... back to cutting again...

I'm starting to feel ugly again, feel worthless, feel like a trash... just when I started to be more positive about my life... $#%^ happens...

The girl who makes my day is also very capable of destroying it...

I should have done everything I could to not feel anything for her...

I will repeat it again... I did believe in myself that I could win her but things don't look too good...

Hi the_unknown~

I agree with sandrawhite1182, of course it's important to be confident and try your best to talk to this girl and get to know her, become closer and hopefully make something of it. It's perfectly possible and I wish you the very best of luck, you're clearly very fond of her. (:

However it's clear that this is causing you a lot of stress. Too much stress. You are putting a lot of pressure on both yourself and this girl, even self harming and torturing yourself mentally over the prospect of a potential relationship... and personally I don't think this is necessarily the best thing for you. Obviously I hope things go well for you with her; so try your best, be positive and be yourself, and let things fall as they may. Please don't let her be your 'all or nothing'. You say 'this girl is destroying every progress that I made'... this is exactly what I mean.

I know from experience that you shouldn't belittle yourself or stress yourself out over someone else. Just because she is the first girl who has brightened your life certainly doesn't mean she will be the last, and you shouldn't lose all hope if things do go south. Look after yourself first and foremost.

~~ Voks

[i]"Long story short... I'm trying to fix my life... things look good... but this girl is destroying every progress that I made... back to cutting again..."[/i]

You need to fix your life first,that's the best you can do for now. Don't blame other people why things didn't turn out good to you. As they said not all we ask is given, but for sure it will come at the right time and reasons.

Start to love yourself because you can't find happiness to other people if you can't even love yourself. It will always start within us. How can you give something that you don't have? Use the power of prayers, ask God for guidance and I know He will listen.

Be a friend to that girl, that's the first step. If you think no matter what you do, there's no chance having her don't be upset or be sad. Maybe there's really someone meant for you, who can accept you as u, and who can love you. Life must go on no matter what. Just be strong, these are challenges in our life. Talk to your family especially your parents, there's no other people who can understand us more but only our family.

I just don't know... I think I'm back to my former state again...

Down in the dumps again... I basically lost all reason to stay positive, I lost all reason to help myself... Hell I think I'm even starting to lose the little love that I have given myself...

The future does not look good... I did my best to "step out of my way" by being confident, by being positive, by loving myself even for a short while, by trying to help myself, and now I lost the reason why I did those things in the first place...

When I have just thought that I finally found someone...

And since I'm an introvert and I don't really have a social life, add that to the fact that I feel uneasy during any social confrontation... the chances that I'll meet another girl is zero... and I know God will just "play with me" by making me feel attracted to someone I cannot have no matter what...

I don't want to blame God for all the $#%^ that has happened to my miserable life, I did that already but luckily I found the reason to those things, but the point is certain recent circumstances are forcing me to think of suicidal thoughts again...

FML...

For the record, I only brought up God because I saw the term God being used which is something that really ticks me off because I know He knows that I need this but He just won't give me a chance... He would make me "fall to my knees" again so that I would seek Him, which something that I have done already, I know all the stuff that He talks about like how we find peace and love only in Him... It is so unfair Adam had an Eve... If He only wants us humans to love Him then why the ###$ would He make us humans have feelings for other damn humans?

Why do I even bother with trying to get out of my depression, why would I even bother trying to forgive myself, why the ###$ would I even want to live if GOD CLEARLY HAS DESTINED ME TO BE FOREVER ALONE...

I know I have a lot of false notions, please enlighten me...

You know, the only time like I felt like I was treated as an equal is when I met her... Everyone around me belittles me, she made me feel so happy or something... I did have crushes before but this one is different...

So uhmm... should I change myself first before anything else? I mean change will take a lot of time and no person is fully able to "get over" their problems, its a life long battle to continue to forget bad things we did/done to us, to make ourselves better...

And yeah... instead of moping... I should start to act... but what if things go wrong? I don't think I am fully "positive" or "strong" enough to take it just yet... but if I wait too long for myself to be "better" then I might miss my chance...

Don't think of it as 'changing', necessarily. You don't have to change who you are, your personality, or anything else - especially not for anyone else. But what you do need to do is help yourself, and make sure you're happy first and foremost. Trust me, I know from experience that it's a nightmare getting into a relationship when you still have problems of your own to deal with (such as low self esteem, etc) - it affects both parties. To me, a relationship is essentially being able to love both yourself and another person, and making your lives work in unison.

the_unknown wrote:I mean change will take a lot of time and no person is fully able to "get over" their problems, its a life long battle to continue to forget bad things we did/done to us, to make ourselves better...

Yes, it may take time. And yes, you may always have these things in your life that you regret or have hurt you; you may not necessarily forget them but you could try to use them to make yourself stronger. Things may go wrong, but you have to learn from them and never give up hope. I'm not a positive person in the slightest but whenever anything goes wrong for me, I still have to tell myself that I have to pick myself up and push on, no matter how much it hurts. You'll be glad you did in the long run.

I wouldn't say you are 'missing a chance'. As I said before, I'm sure this will not be the last time you'll find someone you care for. If you rush through things, you may make things worse for yourself emotionally. I hadn't overcome (and still haven't) my emotional problems with my last relationship, and it really affected the guy I was with..

I'm afraid I'm not religious so I can't comment on how you feel about God etc... but honestly, you shouldn't feel like your life is pre-destined. You never know what will happen - you could meet someone else tomorrow who completely turns your life around.

Do you have a counsellor/therapist or family you talk to about this? It's always good to have support Stay strong and take care~

~~ Voks

By changing I mean "changing my whole negative notions/thoughts (the problems/past that I deal with) and not my personality or who I am"... there is nothing wrong with being a little positive about life right?

So should I just let her go without me even trying? It is not like I like every girl I see even if they are beautiful... so...

About God, I only bring that up when I am really depressed (I was really depressed albeit suicidal on that day because of other things excluding this one)

I've only met two persons who I find "special"... the other one, I did nothing and I really regret it... I was thinking that maybe this time I should do something for myself...

I feel like if I have someone I care for then maybe I will have more reason to...

Suppressing my feelings won't do me any good... It's not like I don't care about myself, well maybe not before, but it is a different story now...

I also really feel like this will help me on my progress, the loneliness is really aggravating my situation...

I want to help myself... I have started to take the initiative to ask for help from many sources... family, school counselor, psychiatrist...

Being alone for as long as you can remember plagued with different issues, then you find someone who can light up your day... what do you expect me to feel? And it's not just me "using" her as an anti-depressant...

But I am not rushing things... I do feel like we are somehow friends but not really close but still its better than me just moping around...

Having someone is better than having no one at all...

So sorry to hear that you're going through all this. It sounds as if it's really very painful for you. It's not a nice feeling when you really like someone and feel that there might not be a chance. It's also hard to switch your thoughts and feelings to something more positive when you feel that you just can't.

You said "I want to help myself... I have started to take the initiative to ask for help from many sources... family, school counselor, psychiatrist...

Being alone for as long as you can remember plagued with different issues, then you find someone who can light up your day... what do you expect me to feel? And it's not just me "using" her as an anti-depressant... " unquote

It's good that you want to help yourself. It's a really good sign. It's good that you no longer wish to feel alone. It shows that a small part of you recognises your worth and your value, that you want to reach out to people and for them to reach out to you. The fact that you want this shows that you have begun, in a very small way, to make changes. They might be very small changes, but if you remember the saying about the acorn and the oak tree, you will know that no change is too small. Small changes lead to bigger changes. If you are finding it difficult to find any positives in your life right now, then cling onto this tiny positive. It represents Hope. You can now cling on to hope. The fact that you are now feeling ready to ask for help from various sources, family, school counsellor, psychiatrist means that you will reap the benefits of the help that they give you. It also means that you will be, and feel, less alone, for they will be there for you. With counselling, you can talk about your feelings, and really work in a big way on your self esteem issues, discover where and how they originated, work through the emotions and begin to learn to love yourself, the way that you are supposed to. The fact that you no longer want to suffer in this way shows that you are looking after yourself and taking care of yourself, and by doing so, you're demonstrating a level of self esteem. You say "its not just me using her as an antidepressant". No. No one can be an anti depressant for no one has power over your feelings and emotions. The only person who has power over your feelings and emotions is you, and you are demonstrating that power by seeking help. That shows real courage and strength and resourcefulness.

You know something? Pain, no matter how dire and how deep, can teach us many lessons. Those who have gone through pain and emerged the other side have a real depth, strength and courage, and a capacity for love and compassion that those who have known no pain do not have. One day you will look back and realise this. Your qualities that are beginning to shine through now will shine brightly for all to see and this will attract people to you.

I wish you healing and strength.