Advice on personality disorder

Hi

Very unsure where to post this but looking for some advice regarding my new partner. I think she has some form of attachment disorder and I'm looking for advice on what to do. She is quite aware of her problems and issues and I think with some support, I can steer her towards professional help and save our relationship. As it stands, I can't be dealing with this long term and another major incident is just round the corner.

I've been with her for just 3 months although the relationship became rather intense and normal quite early. We both slipped into a nice routine and had a fun. We're both high achievers if that makes any difference.

My ex-gf had borderline personality disorder and her issues were very different, becoming the perfect pefect partner for the first 5 months before cracks became to show in a big way. The new gf is very much not like this and at times wears her heart on sleeve and isn't worried that our honeymoon period has never really existed.

Her background: Her mother didn't want her and she was raised by her Grandmother until the age of 14, when she passed away. Her dad was a regular visitor but not her mother. At 14 her parents took her in and her mother was filled with guilt and remorse, but she wasn't too interested and went to university at 17 with virtually zero parental contact and was entirely self sufficient. Her mother would make regular attempts at a reconciliation and at 24 she finally decided that she'd rather forgive her and have a mother than be alone entirely. Now she is 31. Her mother treats her like a 16 yr old at times and they have an odd relationship. Never been any physical contact between them and no declarations of love, despite her comfortable to do this with her father.

My background: Normal uneventful loving 2.4 children family, dad worked, mother didn't. Regular holidays, very happy, lots of friends etc. Although, my last girlfriend had borderline personality disorder, which may make me more away of the new gf's issues early on.

So the present: She's a very attractive girl and pretty popular, although seems to have had a few fallings out with good friends in the past few years. She is far from perfect, knows her own mind and doesn't just agree with me or go with the flow. Very understanding, caring but also has her own ideas.

First odd thing I noticed but thought was cute is sleeping with Ted, a teddy bear that looks older than her. She sleeps with him so tightly that I can't release Ted from her grip even in the deepest of sleeps. She thinks he's near real and her mother has to do any sewing operations if he becomes a little damaged as she can't bear it.

Her problems become evident with alcohol, even a tiny amount. She becomes a different beast. She cannot explain why in the slightest and recently has begged for a chance to prove herself again. The tiniest drop, certainly if she's surrounded by her friends and me, she becomes a major liability.

Some highlights of the past 3 months:
Stormed off from my house after sex and drove home drunk due to not achieving an orgasm. Then sent a series of drunken texts before being very apologetic the next day
At my office xmas party, accused a guest of molesting her and having his hands up her dress for 15 minutes. Said she didnt move away or push him off as she didn't want to cause a scene. I had admitedly been working the room and left her for 30 minutes and she was talking to him and he was later accused of trying to stuff £20 into another girls handbag to buy her a drink. Although having his hands up her dress is another matter. The following day she refused to discuss it entirely and just said she couldnt recall anything. A month later she admitted it was unlikely that he had his hands up her dress.
Telling all of her friends that she dated my friend who set us both up. He's a good looking minor celebrity and despite her friends saying how nice it was that he set us up, she very much didn't correct them despite the day after claiming that she had.
Came up with a crazy story of breaking up with my mate (who set us up) after his cleaner told her he was sleeping with other people. Although has never said this to me, just some of her friends who then told my mate.
Pointing out people she'd slept with at a wedding we attended
Pointing out a guy a wedding and his girlfriend of 3 years then stating that she was sleeping with him at the time they got together and there was likely an overlap and the girlfriend doesn't know about it.
Pointing out a guy at the wedding she'd held hands with for an hour on the couch at a party (when we were dating...) and how he kept calling her 'hot stuff'. She wouldn't have done that if I was at the party but still decided to do and to tell me this.
Has admittedly failed a smear test and had an operation, although delayed it for 2 weeks so she could go on holiday against advice. Drove to the hospital herself, was under for an hour and then drive herself straight home without telling any friends or family. Just me. Then delayed her radiation therapy until after xmas, again against doctor advice.
Then – a few nights ago after a big drink – broke down in tears and told me this was her final operaiton and that she had been given only a 20% chance of living.
Told me her ex of two years ago stormed out of a party, went home and trashed their flat. Then wouldn't let her leave before breaking 3 ribs and blacking both her eyes. Apparently nobody knows about this as she stayed inside for 3 weeks and didn't see anybody, despite her claiming to have moved out the next door although didnt say where to.
I'd been single for 5 months before meeting her. She asked how many partners i'd had since and she felt the need to eclipse my tiny number and state she'd had sex with 5 different people in that time.
After a curry with friends and before we all headed to town she took me to one side and asked me if i'd rather just go with a drink with her instead of the others. I said yes and she got emotional and said nobody had ever chosen her like that. She then proceeded to say i'd passed the test and we joined back with the others and headed into town.
Made a big big deal of accidentally kissing one of my friends. In reality they pecked on the lips goodbye, one went left them other right etc. No big deal. She proceeded to keep apologising for this despite me saying it wasn't a problem. I kept saying it was only a peck on the lips and she kept saying 'well... it was more than that but it was an accident and i'm sorry.' She couldn't answer whether they snogged but said they didn't use tongues. I was standing right next to them at the time and my mate was mortified when I told him her version of events. The next day all she would say is that I made a mountain out of it and the she may have been talking when they kissed hence her mouth might have been open...
After the kiss-gate scandal, she refused to get out of the taxi at my house. She later drove to my place (2 miles) after a big drinking session at 1am and dropped off all the xmas gifts I bought her including an ipad. She left them outside my front door. I use my backdoor and it was my neighbour who embarrassingly found them at 4pm the next day.
First ever odd incident – on our first night out with her friends she claimed a at about 11pm that one of the guys had his hands in her knickers at the bar at about 9pm. I asked why she didnt push him away or move away and she just said there wasn't time. I didn't really believe her and thought it was amazingly odd.
Walking into a nightclub at 2am very drunk, 3 guys drunk chavs make a comment towards her (something like 'I wouldnt mind that tonight') I looked at them and laughed and then put my arm around her and pulled her close. Two minutes later she has a big go at me for not confronting them and storms off. She later returns and later that night accuses me of wanting to sleep with her fit housemate just because I bought her a drink. I did say to him if you walk around in a short dress and your t!ts hanging out then you will get comments like this.
Other:
Serious drink driving at least 3 times
She's very flirty but doesn't think she is. If a guy chatted her up at the bar she'd give him more airtime than i'd consider reasonable
She dresses in revealing clothes often and loves a bit of attention in the bars
She gets quite a few messages during the night and has certainly been a bit of a player in her time, even if she isn't at this moment.
Big OCD although is aware of every OCD she has. Recently she tested wearing non-matching underwear and seemed to get on ok with it!


Apart from the above she's been the ideal girlfriend!!! She's been great on probably 50% of the nights out and perfect during the day, perfect to sleep with. Mainly and i'm not sure if this is much of a factor, when we go out with my friends and family and she doesnt know anybody then she's 100% fine. Whenever someone she knows is there then she has a problem. Not sure if this is a factor or a coincidence. As it's been the festive period we have been out 5/6 nights per week hence she's had lots of opportunity to feck up and has drank so much more than she normally would. I keep thinking that the number of drunken nights we've had could easily have stretched 9 months rather than 3 months and we'd be a lot closer during the day meaning the episodes after drinking would perhaps carry less weight than they do at the moment.

Lots of her issues seem to be attention grabbing. Almost like she wants me to see her as attractive and wanted by other people. Like she wants me to make a bold gesture, make a big fuss and make her feel special. Every reaction seems to be way over the top. She seems to exaggerate everything.
Regarding her ex beating her up, maybe he just pushed her out the way and she bruised her leg.
Regarding her going out with my mate, he says they kissed for 20 seconds in a club after which she kissed other people and this happened 4 years ago.
Regarding the 20% survival rate, yes she's scared about what might happen but I really dont think she has been told this in the slightest. She actually admitted to not even reading any of the literature they gave her.
Regarding the molesting at my xmas party, maybe the guy sat too close and had his hand round her back? I was actually within 5-10 metres at all times so can't really believe that anything else actually happened. I was close to dragging they guy outside and having fighting him... this is my biggest worry right now. What happens in a few weeks time when she accuses someone else of something serious and I'm put in a tricky position?
Regarding kiss scandal with my mate, yes they kissed on the lips when saying goodbye but I cant believe it was anymore than that. Why she built it into something more than it was (or mentioned it at all) is crazy.

So... bit of a ramble there. In short, can anybody identify with any of this? Does it fit a specific type of attachment disorder or could it be something else entirely? I really don't want to turn my back on her, certainly not with her health problem. I want to help her, although I'm sure I became a bit co-dependent (after dating a BPD) despite perviously being a successful independent businessman.

What type of help could I suggest for her?

Any suggestions on what I could do next?

Thank you for any comments and help

anyone?!

dand -

I'll answer, having been in somewhat similar shoes, though my experiences were not quite as outwardly dramatic, the patterns are similar.

The picture you've painted, though of course it's only your point of view, communicates that you're in a relationship that has already set off enough internal red flags that here you are, on a forum like this asking questions after only a few months. That alone is an abnormal thing to do in a healthy relationship.

From my limited experience I can tell you this. First and foremost, be honest with yourself, and your boundaries. Everyone's are different, but I'll take an example from MANY of your examples.

Many people (not all, but enough) would agree with you, that if we're in a relationship with someone, and they're in a situation where another person puts their hand up their dress (or down their shirt, or wherever) for 15 minutes, we would have expected them to have the strength to step away, and put a stop to it. Of course we could spend a lot of time arguing why a person might have to put up with it, but that's not relevant (and I'll explain why in a minute). It's clearly your expectation and likely something you'd have done if the situation was reversed, put a stop to it.

Okay now the reason I wrote the specifics are not relevant is this -

If you were dealing with someone who consistently respected your boundaries, and it was a rare, one of event, then reasonable doubt is a reasonable interpretation. The problem is you're dealing with someone who you know has issues, who has set off dozens of red-flags, probably far more so than you've managed to write out here. In that context, it's important for you not to get sucked into micro-analyzing each specific incident, and look at it in the context of the big picture. And here is why -

One way in which we can get caught up in a web of confusion is by focusing on a single incident of boundary violation, while putting the bigger picture aside. When we do that, get caught up in analyzing the specifics of each incident individually, we end up either convincing ourselves, or letting ourselves be convinced that our feelings about the situation were not valid. If we keep doing that, before long we end up unsure/guilty/neurotic about our own feelings, our own boundaries, in every situation,

So where I'm going with this is that the big danger for you in all of this is to spend your time thinking about, or picking apart each situation in which you felt uncomfortable in your mind, convincing yourself (or allowing her to convince you), you were/are mistaken in what happened. Of course you don't understand her point of view from her point of view, and depending on who you ask over any single story, you'll end up with different reactions, but that's not what matters.

What matters is that in total, she is making you feel tested, uncomfortable, hurt. Whether she is disorder or not only matters so much because there is really nothing you can do about changing her. That's up to her. What you can do is be honest with yourself about what your limits/boundaries are, without guilt, and ask yourself honestly, can you be happy in this relationship?

Of course it is possible that you (or any of us) has issues as well, which we learn about from our relationships with multiple other people who tell us (if we're open to listen) about our issues, but from the picture you've painting, I'll go out on a limb and say yes, most people reading it would say you've painted the picture of someone with deep seated emotional problems.

Thanks xdude, your reply is much appreciated. I agree I shouldn't exactly get bogged down in detail of each incident. I have raised each one with her and she is often hazy on details at best and just tries to wriggle out of actually explaining any rationale. Although, the big picture is what matters and ultimately, I don't want the girl I'm with to think it's fine to act like that. I've had two serious relationships in the past (one with a BPD) and neither would dream of making me feel jealous by flirting or boasting of previous exploits. When the BPD relationship finished (just 6 months ago) I was at all time low, I really 100% thought she was the one... we'd made so much commitment, so many plans and bang... a week after buying furniture for our new house while on holiday in Spain she ended it and i havent seen her since the plane landed. Barmy and heartbreaking. It's admittedly making me hypersensitive to the new gf hence why i've turned to this forum so soon (i discovered it after the exBPD). Either way, thankfully, I'm not in love or too emotionally deep with her so I am comfortable to end it now rather than in a years time.

Think I'm going to make Jan 2012 a fresh start

dand -

Been there, so I know what you mean. One question I had to ask myself is why do I keep getting drawn to relationships with disordered women. In my case a lot of that has to do with having a BPD mother. You may have reasons too.

There is a book I read recently in which the author suggests that often disordered people do have a clear enough awareness of what they are doing, they just disagree that means they should change. That engaging in various forms of covert aggression works for them, and that attempting to discuss the specifics of why this/that incident hurt you is pointless. They've heard it all before, but don't disagree with your assumption (a normal assumption by the way), the assumption that because it hurts you that means they should change their behavior. It's almost impossible to have an open discussion because that's not their goal. Their goal is to keep you emeshed, doubting yourself, to keep you in the relationship while also remaining aggressive (for whatever reasons they enjoy it, including for example, seeing you hurt by jealousy games). I don't know if that applies to her, but it's possible.

In the end all we can do is set our boundaries, and protect us.

Best of luck