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People who are unable to take responsibility

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People who are unable to take responsibility

Postby ping » Fri Aug 20, 2010 5:00 pm

A lot of times I take the blame for other people`s problems, especially from people who are unable to take responsibility for their own emotions and their own life.

When I was little, my mother was always blaming me for her emotionally abusive
behavior towards me, and I automatically took the blame I claimed it as my own, because your mother is your life-line and you are dependent on her for everything.

As a child I was unable to understand that something is wrong with her, so automatically you thing it must be me, and you start to think that you are "bad",
that you did something "wrong" to deserve this treatment......You start to be ashamed of yourself, you start to feel that you are not worthy of love, that your mother is right even to leave you.....

So, of course when I grew up, I started to get it, what is mine and what is not mine.....that I am OK, worthy of love....

But still I have a problem with people that are unable to take responsibility for their own emotions and their own life. Almost every time I am their scapegoat, and I do feel all of the emotions I felt when I was child.

I do know how to set boundaries in a normal personal relationship, but with these "type" of people.....

Example: A friend yells at me, I tell her that she is being verbally violent and that she should stop it, she does`t stop, she did not stop, until I ran away from her.....when we had a talk about the incident she said: "I just can not believe that I am that awful...." and than she started to search for reasons why I was to blame and now she does not want to speak to me.

Of course I am aware that every one is responsible for their own actions, and I am not responsible for her actions, but what can I do, that I would stay clear of the "luggage" that is not mine?


I have worked on my "luggage" a lot, so I do know what is not mine

The question is about people, who are unable to take responsibility for their own emotions and their own life, and how they try tu put the "luggage" on others, with this I am refering to mostly people with some borderline personality traits, and how effectively not take the blame in these cases (the more solutions I get from as many people as possible, the better...and in the end the decision I make or a reaction is mine,not necessarily, based on anything written here, but it helps to read about it anyway)

I have my own opinion of course, but I would like to open a debate that would give me a broad spectrum of views, if you know what I mean.
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Re: People who are unable to take responsibility

Postby Chucky » Fri Aug 20, 2010 9:15 pm

Very interesting, ping. If you look at my post count here, you might wonder a few things about me. THe truth is that I am very much like the person you portray yourself to be in your post. I see everyone's problem here as being my responsibility, and this encourages me to take the weight on my shoulders and reply to posts, even if I am feeling weary in my own life. I ignore my problems and 'prefer' to deal with those of others. I always do things in my life so that others can get through theirs easier, even if it means I'm worse off as a result. Whenever I sense negativity, I feel I am to blame.

Your example with the girl is well known to me. She didn't accept responsibility for her actions, and blamed you. This happens to me too, but i'm intelligent enough now to recognise when someone is covering up their own deficitis by blaming others. Personally, I have no problem admitting my flaws and I am always prepared to own-up when I make a mistake.

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Re: People who are unable to take responsibility

Postby oh_that_guy » Sun Aug 22, 2010 2:20 am

I'm not too familiar with "borderline traits", but I've known and met plenty of people that sound similar to what you've described.

There are leeches all around, whether it be being overly-dependent of others or running off of other people's energy. No one is dependent on me, so from here out I'm referring to are those that need my [very limited] life energy to get by.

There aren't too many single words that can effectively describe everything about a person. I can't even think of one right now. But people who find it easier for someone else to take their fault isn't strong. Neither a negative nor a positive character trait for this argument's purpose, just simply they don't have the resources to appropriately handle a situation they've gotten themselves into. That pretty much applies to everybody at some time or another.

If, in the process of taking someone's luggage unwillingly, you try and let them know you're fed up with the same old story, and they continue to concoct reasons on why you are less important than them, that's only a direct reflection on their character. The choice is up to you to continually expose yourself to that. You can't always or actually change someone's mind on a subject, maybe because their heart has been hardened, whatever the case may be, but if you realize the problem, try mending the problem, and give up and just accept it as your problem, then there is no reason to complain on your part. I'm not addressing you specifically ping, I'm just talking broadly here.

If anything, complaining after that point only feeds into the original complaint on always blaming others for your shortfalls. Just something to think about if you hadn't already.
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Re: People who are unable to take responsibility

Postby sweetcheeks » Mon Aug 23, 2010 4:28 am

I don't think you necessarily have to be borderline because you don't take responsibility for your actions. There are plenty of people who have NO ability to self reflect. I think the main reason people choose not to look at themselves and their contributions to a situation is because it means one of two things: firstly, it impacts on your feelings. If taking ownership on behaviour leads to you feeling bad about yourself, then you probably don't like yourself enough to cope with those feelings. If you do like yourself, then negative feelings about behaviour are accepted without emotional penalty.

Secondly, acknowledging your contributions suggests "change". Again...taking ownership of bad behaviour can be too painful and too disruptive to the psych. Even though change ususally leads to a better form of existance, it also depends on the degree to which an individual feels s/he deserves positive change. A lot of people will never excel the life quality of their parents for many reasons. Even though some say they don't want to live like their parents did...you'll find that they do regardless. I think only those who have a strong sense of self will excel and push beyond boundaries that lead to nothing and nowhere.

Intesting topic. :wink:
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