Does My GF show signs of narcissistic rage??

I was wondering if you guys could help me figure out what I did wrong here. This girl I was seeing for a few months just broke up with me last night. But it seems like her reason was so strange, I was hoping you could help me make some sense out of this.

She's 22 (I'm 37) and she's young and really pretty. Great body. Fun Personality, very caring. Things were going great, but there were some odd things about her. For one she was very promiscuous.. she's had like 23 (admitted) sex partners and she's only 22. She has had a threesome with two guys. I just wrote this off as crazy things kids do these days. At the time she did that, she was 18 and she told me that some guy she was into but not dating suggested a threesome, and she got so angry that she had the threesome with two other guys to get back at him. I thought this was worrisome that she gets back at people like this, but I figured hey we all do stupid things when we're young right? But I couldn't help but think she might have some kind of personality or mood disorder.

So anyway.. things went great between me and this girl. I spent Christmas with her and her family. We became very close, we were together almost all the time. She seemed insecure though.. at one point she demanded to look through my iphone and laptop. I refused.. she said she couldn't trust me. So I deleted all the offending files and let her go through my things. She was satisfied, and thing were ok for a while.

Now two days ago she came over and wanted to clean my room. So i told her ok sure. I figured any really bad things such as compromising pictures with old exes were already gone. But she found a bunch of some of my old porn dvd's and demanded I throw them out. I told her nah, I'll just put them in a box and leave them in the basement. She seemed upset, but I didn't think it was that bad. She left later that night without saying bye. I knew she was upset, but i figured hey it's not fair for someone to come to my house and just order me to throw out my personal property, no matter how offensive or disgusting they might think it is. Now I don't even watch those dvd's, as they're all online anyway, but still. I didn't really want to throw everything out at that moment.

So.. the next day i don't hear from her at all. I knew something was really wrong. But i didn't message her, i figured i'd let her calm down. But at 7pm that night, she calls me. She tells me she is breaking up with me because I refused to throw out the dvd's. I was stunned. But she was serious. She was crying, telling me how she can't believe that I would choose to keep old porn dvd's around and upset her. She basically claimed I chose the porn dvd's over her.

I was shocked, and still am. I messaged her last night, and no response. I messaged her again today thinking a good night's sleep might calm her down.. but again i've gotten no response.

So ya.. just to add a couple of things: she hasn't had a relationship in four years, since she was 18. I find this highly suspicious as well. Also, when she broke up with me she was saying that me and her are different and we can't be together and that she's crying because she realized that. What the hell is going on here?

What is your take on this? A friend told me it sounds like she displayed some kind of narcissistic passive-aggressive rage. Was I out of line? Is she right or is this narcissistic rage?

Hello avoid...

No, I do not see this as Narcissism. I see this as a young lady who is very insecure and frightened about something (probably from her past) who is looking for signs of trouble where none may exist.

People who have been hurt before, or perhaps have a bit of fragile self-esteem, can act and behave in this way. They need reassurance, have doubts and fears. Her behavior really shows that. Looking through phone records, your porn collection as a danger sign, etc. Her need to control you in some ways is just her way of feeling "safe". That you are not playing with her, or have desires to harm her.

Keep in mind as well, there is a large age gap between you. Now 15 years is not unreasonable, but you are further along in life then she is. She is only 22. And it can be simply a case of emotional immaturity on her part. Even though she has experimented sexually, this does not mean she is experienced or confident or sure of herself. She may have engaged in those acts simply to test her own limits and boundaries, to seek approval, or to go along with others.

Why don't you simply contact her (assuming she will speak with you), and ask her. Let her know how you feel. Be emotionally honest. And then ask her to be emotionally honest. And see where it goes.

But, in my opinion this was not a sign of Narcissistic rage. It is a violation of your space and boundaries though. And that maybe something the two of you can work out.

mark1958 wrote:Hello avoid...

No, I do not see this as Narcissism. I see this as a young lady who is very insecure and frightened about something (probably from her past) who is looking for signs of trouble where none may exist.

People who have been hurt before, or perhaps have a bit of fragile self-esteem, can act and behave in this way. They need reassurance, have doubts and fears. Her behavior really shows that. Looking through phone records, your porn collection as a danger sign, etc. Her need to control you in some ways is just her way of feeling "safe". That you are not playing with her, or have desires to harm her.

Keep in mind as well, there is a large age gap between you. Now 15 years is not unreasonable, but you are further along in life then she is. She is only 22. And it can be simply a case of emotional immaturity on her part. Even though she has experimented sexually, this does not mean she is experienced or confident or sure of herself. She may have engaged in those acts simply to test her own limits and boundaries, to seek approval, or to go along with others.

Why don't you simply contact her (assuming she will speak with you), and ask her. Let her know how you feel. Be emotionally honest. And then ask her to be emotionally honest. And see where it goes.

But, in my opinion this was not a sign of Narcissistic rage. It is a violation of your space and boundaries though. And that maybe something the two of you can work out.

Thanks for the thoughtful reply.

Well after ignoring me all day yesterday, I facetimed her today and we spoke. I was shocked to see her cry the whole time. I tried to apologize and told her I was very sorry, that I made a mistake, and if there was anything I could do to fix things. She told me she just wanted to be friends for now, and that she is devastated. While I can see why she's upset, and having read your post it seems like that is exactly what is going on, quite frankly I am shocked that she is making such a big deal out of this.

Every time I spoke to her, while i tried my best to explain how sorry i was and that i didn't mean to hurt her, I did mention that to me it didn't seem like a big deal. This is the truth. But the more I spoke to her, the more I tried to explain and tell her how sorry i was, the more angry she seemed to get.

I remained calm throughout the whole conversation. I can only do so much. She then hung up on me and then texted me, saying she just wants to be left alone and that she is devastated.

She expects me to just throw out my personal possessions just because she doesn't like them. How is this fair? I think she has some kind of PD based on (a) her extremely promiscuous past sexual history and (2) the fact that she starts fights and breaks ups over things like an old porn DVD. I just don't get it.

Is it just me or is this severe overkill?

Hey avoid...

avoidatallcost wrote:She expects me to just throw out my personal possessions just because she doesn't like them. How is this fair? I think she has some kind of PD based on (a) her extremely promiscuous past sexual history and (2) the fact that she starts fights and breaks ups over things like an old porn DVD. I just don't get it.

Is it just me or is this severe overkill?

Yes, this is a major danger sign/red flag in my opinion. This type of controlling behavior is a sign of some underlying issue or issues. She is demanding that you make her feel good emotionally and ease her insecurities.

As adults, we are all responsible for fixing our own "stuff." No one can make us feel good, if we do not already do so. Her insecurities and fears is really about her relationship with herself, not with you. She has deeper things going on here, and she is demanding that you make her feel better about it.

If you comply, her fears may be initially assuaged. But eventually, it may be something else that bothers her. And then, since you did what she wanted before, she will place additional demands and on and on. Eventually, you will be spending inordinate amounts of time and energy trying to make her feel "happy."

Now, you may really care for her. I understand that. But you need to establish clear boundaries. She is being unreasonable. I mean you can try and sit down with her and explain how you feel. But she needs to accept what you are telling her and respect that. It would be the same if the shoe were on the other foot.

There is the risk of loss in this situation. That can make it a challenge.. If you stand up for yourself, she may leave you. That may not be easy for you to face. But this is about your self-respect. And that is another thing that bothers me. She is using your relationship to hold you "hostage" to try and comply with her wishes. Every time you do not comply, she breaks up.

Now, this might be attributable to emotional immaturity or she may have something going on inside of her. Either way, I see it as a problem. If she does not care enough about you to consider what you want and respect your wishes as well, then how can the relationship be good anyway?

Mark1958 has said much of what needs to be said.

Her reaction is an over-reaction. An extreme one. You have to decide if this is all worth it. You're enjoying a young girl, but getting a lot of drama and nonsense along with it.

You should not have apologized. Stick to your guns and follow through on your initial instincts. She will at least respect you for that. Having porn in some old boxes did not hurt her or cause any kind of distrust to be created whatsoever.