Virtual reality and guilt

I am 24 years old. I have a girlfriend for 1.5 years. The "spiritual" part of our relationship is very good and the sexual part was also good for some months. After that, it turned out that my GF has some sort of disease. Cause of this she did not want to have sex. She went to a doctor but it seemed that the doctor was only trying to figure out what her problem is - without success. Cause of the failure of the treatment, my GF decided not to go to the doctor or another doctor again. I agreed because it seemed that the failures and the disease depressed her so much...

That time, I started the habit of watching porn (3-4 hours per week). Later, I had some webcamera and chat (cybersex and sexting) sessions... I thought of these thing as they were equal to porn (cause of anonimity and the virtuality) which was considered not to be cheating by me (I "was just satisfying my sexual needs")...

4 months ago, I was reading some websites and articles and I realized that the things I have done were CHEATING. I felt a terrible guilt... and I feel that now. I try not to watch any porn since that and I do not do any kind of webcamming or chatting (even non-sexual) since that.

What do you think? What should I do? I don't want to tell my GF what I have done because I am afraid she would leave me and I don't want to make cry this always smiling lovely girl who has never ever committed such crimes like me. Am I a horrible person now? Is it possible that our relationship can be successful again? Does this mean that I will cheat on her again? How could I punish myself for these crimes? How could I compensate or make amends?

I don't have any advise on what you should do going forward, but I think on the positive side you are showing good character by understanding now how she is likely to react/feel, and you've done so without her having to point it out. You've put a stop to it. Those are both very positive and hopeful indications that things can work out well.

Thank you for your reply. The reality is that I really did not consider my deeds as cheating (yes I know this sounds like I were some 4 your old). Now, the spiritual part of our relationship is getting even better and the sexual part has changed a bit too (I know that I will have to talk about my needs and her needs with her again and again). I won't commit anything like this in the future.

Please answer the questions in the last part of my former post if you can / have time.

Today I felt horrible. I was like a zombie... I know it is unbelievable but I have just now realized what I have done. I was working today but was non-productive. Some hours ago, something came into my mind and I started searching about cheating. Every people say that there is no forgiveness for it. I started crying at my workplace, it was very hard to cover. Now, I am constantly crying and thinking about this happy smiling lovely wonderful princess and the crimes I have committed against her. She is so much better than me. I do not deserve her. She is going to move to my flat in some months... What to do now? Shall I tell her not to move because I have f*cked up everything? Her salary is so low that this step of mine will f*ck up her life totally because she wont be able to find a new flat to rent... And I think I have also made her to buy things which she does not need for a hobby...
I am thinking of suicide but it is a bad idea as it would do harm to my parents and friends and everybody. Please help me.

Hey mandra,

You are a good man. What makes you a good man is you realize your mistake before others do/did. Your the kind of guy who beats yourself up far more than anyone else does. You have punished yourself enough. She is fortunate to have a guy like you.

Move forward with this relationship

Your post made me cry (cause I was so happy to read this kind of answer). I have also talked to my father and my mother. They said that I have nothing to confess as this was simple masturbation for me and no emotion but I must have learnt never to repeat it.
I have decided to love her and support her even much more than I used to. I will help her recover from her illness and make our sexual life better (as it was in the beginning).
What do you think? If you have any suggestions please share them with me.

Here again...
After some days of feeling ok I am here again. She is so lovely, nice, kind-hearted. She has never committed any kind of crime, never did any harm to anybody... She is believer and she goes to the church every week and she loves to help people... I do not deserve her and she does not deserve such a sick psychopath like me. She cannot even imagine the things I have done against her.
My parents told me not to tell her these things because these are not so big things and some people would say that this is ok and not real cheating etc... I know if I would tell her everything would collapse. Her life, the relationship, the things we have planned.

Hi Mandra,

What you did was not crime, and you are not a psychopath.

Crime: In ordinary language, the term crime denotes an unlawful act punishable by a state.
Psychopathy: is traditionally defined as a personality disorder characterized by enduring antisocial behavior, diminished empathy and remorse, and disinhibited or bold behavior.

You did something and feel guilty about it. Guilt is good that will make you think twice before acting the same way, again. Ask yourself why do you feel this guilty about it? And what is it that you need or want?

Your forgiveness? Her forgiveness? Are your thoughts influenced by your church?

What you did, not knowing that it could hurt your girlfriend sounds naive and it shows maybe lack of communication with you guys. Have you talked about your boundaries? What constitutes cheating for both of you? What things you are not cool if the other one does?

Would you feel better by telling her? Is telling her, and the consequences it may bring, like she feeling so hurt and ending the relationship, more bearable that the guilt you are feeling right now? That's a decision for you to make. Both have consequences, and accepting the consequences of your acts, it's growing up, and maturing. So, it's still a good thing.

If you decide to tell her, you can tell her how guilty you've felt, and give her time to feel all of her feelings, and show her your wish to continue your relationship and to set and talk about new boundaries clearly. Give her time to feel the pain if she does, and to forgive you.

If you decide not to, work on forgiving yourself. Work on knowing that what you did was not a crime, but a very naive behavior. And prepare for future actions in which boundaries are not set, how would you handle them? So that you are prepared and more mature for future incidents.

Have you thought if her reaction to you could be less punishable than the reaction you are having towards yourself? Have you also thought about how you would want things if it were the other way around? Her having had cybersex and sexting? Would you want her to tell you? How would you react?

Sometimes the options we have on hand are both tough choices, so think about it, weight pros and cons, and choose that one with which you feel more comfortable.

I wish you wisdom your decision.

Sea

I personally agree with Seangel.

I would read his post above, several times. I also cannot advise you on whether or not it is best to tell her or put it behind you now, but please re-read his post for some excellent insights. Then read it again.

p.s. I also agree with Seangel you are not a psychopath; if you were, guilt is not what you'd be feeling.

"What you did, not knowing that it could hurt your girlfriend sounds naive and it shows maybe lack of communication with you guys. Have you talked about your boundaries? What constitutes cheating for both of you? What things you are not cool if the other one does?"
Yes you are right... I was ######6 naive. But believe me please, I saw webcam things as porn. And yes, you are also right, our communication sucked that time. BUT it got much much better.

"Have you thought if her reaction to you could be less punishable than the reaction you are having towards yourself? Have you also thought about how you would want things if it were the other way around? Her having had cybersex and sexting? Would you want her to tell you? How would you react?"
Now I would tell her to go on. I did not want to know any details.

I think I should not tell her. If I tell her she will feel bad, she will come up with thoughts that it is her fault because she is not good enough... I was watching girls dancing naked in front of webcams. I did not feel anything for these girls, they do not know my name, I do not know them. I know that this is bad, this is objectification - porn taught me these things. I won't watch porn and I won't objectify people anymore. But I think I haven't touched any women in real so there may be some forgiveness for me. What do you think?

Thank you Seangel. xdude, I hope you haven't changed your opinion:
"You are a good man. What makes you a good man is you realize your mistake before others do/did. Your the kind of guy who beats yourself up far more than anyone else does. You have punished yourself enough. She is fortunate to have a guy like you. Move forward with this relationship"