A story i need to tell.

I'm 30 years old. I'm a virgin "I've only dated or should i say tried to date one girl who turned out to be unsuitable but like the fool i am i strung it out. i thought i really cared for her. i got to know her, she was nice, beautiful but damaged. her father hurt her. bad. should have have seen it then. i was the beast returning to her, a shadow of her abuser i know that now. an ugly animal lusting after flesh. she was religious, maybe god, if he is there, was protecting her from me. my infatuation faded. but i still tried to make it work because I wanted sex. what a fool i was. Listened to the worst part of myself. It came in a dream i had, i remember only the images. me, then her, then my face becoming that of the beast it had more teeth than mouth a mouth for consumption. my beast self said "wanna ###$?" i woke up a bit sweaty, sick, hating what i saw, hating myself. still remember it clearly its been over two years.

I drank one night long after i was drunk i thought about her what i had done. i stumbled to her house i wept and begged for forgiveness. she hugged me. The beast still wanted her to steal a kiss she was smart refused. i snapped back. i remember this now and feel shame. after all that. the greed still won.

Since then i saw her only once i was walking home from a gaming night she was in a car driving past she turned and saw me. that was it i still think about her...why?

Its been a long time but i still have this. I can't just trust a woman the thing, the beast never shuts up. tells me they all judge me. and they'll never accept me and if they do it will just be another humiliation, another weakness revealed and exploited.

Whenever i think about trying to find someone for me it is always there. telling me I'm a fool. i will never have a wife because i am poor, i am physically repulsive and poorly endowed. and even if someone takes me they will use me and cuckold me laughing all the way. every embarrassment i've suffered, every humiliation, comes back all at once. and then anger i feel like i could hurt them beat them make them suffer for all the time they sought to humiliate me it almost consumes me. For a time i swim in a silent fury. the beast gnashing, thrashing in its cage trying to come out.

It take awhile it quiets down, i come to my senses but he comes back always does everytime i start to feel good about my chances. its there. if there is such a thing as a devil, i think i know what it feels like to have one inside you.

I always thought my self a decent guy i try to be good to people but thy get me angry and then all i see is every slight every time i was humiliated from the time i was small.

I see the boy on the bus as he coerced me, into doing things the beast liked the stimulation i felt confusion discomfort at first then shame.

I see the boys laughing at me. teacher wouldn't leave me alone unless i went into that shower. it makes me sick inside. the measure of a man only the measure of his member. anger and sickness. revulsion. shame.

I see the other girl when i was young in that year she was pretty she tried to talk to me lee was her name. Funny thing is i remember the dream with her in it too. i dreamed i cut of my penis it grew back bigger the last image was me sitting with her on a pile of my previously severed penises she held my hand and said " I love your work" i woke. It is simultaneously hilarious and depressing which makes it almost a manic feeling like a madman howling at the sky. seeking to release an emotion he cannot identify.

I'm just broken inside i think. i dont know if ill ever be normal, feel like a man. like i have strength and a confidence in myself I have never even said these things aloud. or even dared to write them until now. even though the internet offers a certain degree of anonymity, having the people at my job or the people i socialize with see it would add yet another burning humiliation. but what's one more on a mountain right?

I know that deep down i want a wife, someone to live my life with. but i can't shake these feelings, maybe that makes me weak, but i'd rather be an honest weakling than a lying fool. maybe you'll laugh maybe you'll console me but until the beast is dead im here alone. i think I'm done now. but maybe im wrong and there is light to be found or maybe life is cruel and only favors the lucky, those bestowed with special gifts. if the former is true i have hope if the latter then let the beast consume me but i won't give up what shred of good in left in me a meaningless principle perhaps, but maybe i could prove that even thought the world is cruel, I am not.