How to keep envy/jealousy from blocking my future?

I've often experienced intense jealousy/envy since I was very small and though I've known for most of that time my feelings and internal responses are wrong I always seem to lapse and screw things up. I often see posts like these from the other side, saying things like "My bf/gf is extremely jealous/envious of me, what should I do?" to which responses are often "Run!" or something similar, but I would like to think that some, if not most, people like myself want to get better.

So does anyone else have any experience with this or insight that might be helpful? I'm 28, haven't had a relationship that's lasted longer than a year and a half, and have had dozens upon dozens that have lasted less than a month.

kurodon -

I'm sure you already know that this is a perfect topic to explore with a therapist.

My only advise is that it's easy to get stuck doing nothing when a problem seems over-whelming (self-defeating thinking). There are likely some small steps you could take in the direction you want to go. A small step could be as small as next time you are in a situation where you are feeling jealousy, doing something slightly out of the ordinary for yourself (e.g., your partner mentions something about someone else that leaves you feeling jealous; if your normal response would be clam up, a small step might be to chime in and add your own bit of admiration).

The thing about small steps is that as you get in the habit of practicing them you'll likely find that your underlying feelings/reactions change too.

I would also recommend a proactive action, instead of being in a stage of inertia. Please go ahead and contact a good therapist.

I know talking this out with a therapist would be best, but I currently live abroad and psychiatric counselling isn't covered by my insurance (though luckily my prescriptions are). This is why I look here so often, there's no one around me who can or even wants to try to understand.

I'm better now at controlling my reactions (at least I've been able to keep my mouth shut when I would've burst out before). That being said, my issue isn't only about things that are happening but also with things that have happened. It's very hard for me to keep past/present/future separate, and I often find myself becoming obsessed with something I know about my partner's past or my own, then, having identified a problem, I almost completely separate myself from the person and my mind seems to transport into a future version of myself completely unaffected by my present situation. When I'm in the present I'm fine, stuck in the past and I get envious/jealous and cold, and when detached I just don't care about anything in my present life.

I've tried a lot of CBT techniques and still keep track of what root thoughts are causing me trouble, but it's still very hard to stay on track by myself.

kurodon -

That makes sense. Insecurities are about the past. Detachment is one way to deal with it, but like you wrote, that's yet a different problem. Some people go so far as to avoid any emotional attachments because those they are not attached too are much less likely to trigger those old insecurities, but that comes at a cost too.

You wrote too that when you are focused on the present you are fine (i.e., not focused on the past, or detached). Makes sense too, and I personally find I'm enjoying life the most when I'm focused on the present.

I think alternative therapies like the one offered by organizations like art of living could do a world of good to you. They are not expensive also.

jonahf wrote:I think alternative therapies like the one offered by organizations like art of living could do a world of good to you. They are not expensive also.

Unfortunately I live in Japan which is surprisingly one of the most far behind countries in the first world when it comes to mental health. I've looked into support groups for everything from depression to anger management (all issues I have that come from my underlying jealousy/insecurity issues) but I've found nothing accessible to me in English or Japanese.

As far as detaching myself completely that usually ends in intense depression for me as I really enjoy human contact and I like dating and having a girlfriend. I do fine with casual relationships but all my problems arise when things get to the 'couple' stage.

xdude is absolutely right man, it's all about the habit of small steps to work towards mitigating these feelings.

I know how you feel about the jealousy issue, I'm also fighting to overcome these feelings because quite frankly, life can suck when you're not enjoying it.