I made a mistake.

Okay, so to make a long stor short, I basically left this guy I was dating and had something solid with for a "Summer Fling" that ended up being something bigger, but ended horribly. It hurt the guy I was dating a lot because I cut off all communication on purpose, as I thought I was going somewhere with the new guy. However, after realizing how I was being played by the Summer person(I was just getting used to get an ex jealous), I started talking to my original guy again, but now I'm confused. I really like and completely want him, but I'm afraid of the damage I did, since it does have consequences. My self-esteem has been shattered, and I'm scared of messing things up again.

This guy and I are back together as we were before, and he has told me he understands what happened. We have gone on dates and seem to do pretty well, but he did get hurt pretty badly and I made him cry once by rejecting him. I feel like I ran away from him but then realize how good I had it, and I want to keep that. We keep going on dates, are affectionate, have sex, etc. but he doesn't text me that often and instead just says "We'll talk about this when I see you." It seems cold, but he had told me before that he could text me all day but has to control his feelings. He is a very responsible and career-focused guy who also has a huge heart.

Now, he is busy and is older than me, but why does he do that? It makes me insecure about how much he likes me and makes me think he is still kind of bitter, as much as he might try to not be. Last time he told me "that's when I used to like you more" when we talked about something that happened this year before Summer. He always responds to my texts, but why am I so insecure? I just want him and don't want to lose something so great I had due to a stupid mistake...

Please help; thanks.

Well, you made a mistake by cutting communications, but trying to have something better for yourself is not a mistake. You just have to do it in the classiest and gentlest way for other people.

I'd say the reason he has "slowed" down is that he's not investing himself 100% this time around, especially when he probably feels you could abandon him again. It will take some time to fix the damage. He has to regain trust and likely he will never see you the same as he did at first. That's just reality. Everyone goes through that first phase where they perceive the other person as perfect. Now he's just playing it safe for himself to protect himself from future emotional harm.

Treat him well if you really like him. Here is a quote that is relevant for you, I think.

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."

Best of luck.

Maybe he just wants sex and a security blanket while weighing his options as well.

Collegeguy4948 wrote:I just want him and don't want to lose something so great I had due to a stupid mistake...

You've already lost it, and you can't have it back. You can only have something new, at best. Accept the consequences of your mistake.

[quote="SchizLife"]I'd say the reason he has "slowed" down is that he's not investing himself 100% this time around, especially when he probably feels you could abandon him again. It will take some time to fix the damage. He has to regain trust and likely he will never see you the same as he did at first. That's just reality. Everyone goes through that first phase where they perceive the other person as perfect. Now he's just playing it safe for himself to protect himself from future emotional harm./quote]

He used to be crazy abou me, which scared me a little since I knew he was going too fast. However, I now think that was cute and wouldn't mind it again. He is very forgiving though, or otherwise he wouldn't have taken me back.

On this social app we're both on, he wrote "Wanna find out how much you like someone? Think about losing that person forever and imagine how your life will be after." Now I don't know if that's about him or me.

Also, I feel things getting much better, but would still like for him to make more contact. He does show interest; takes me to places, we have sex, we cooked dinner together, etc. It's just that now I don't see him pursuing as much as before, which makes me a little nervous. I know it takes time, but how can I somehow make things go to the way they were before? I know it's kind of impossible since he does have that negative association, but the good is obviously still bigger if he's still with me, right?

Also, how can I make him text me more? He's the kind of guy to text me something during the day but not keep a conversation going; just more like "I'll see you on Monday," etc. He does this more, but before he used to send me a lot of cute things...I confronted him about that this Summer when still talking and he told me "___, I could text you all day, but I like to control my feelings." However, now it just feels like he doesn't text me because he doesn't take me with as much interest as before. It makes me freak out a little bit because I just feel like I lost part of something great, but still have it, just not at that range...

-- Wed Nov 14, 2012 11:00 pm --

Also, thank you for all your other replies. I'm wondering how to erase that negative association he has and slowly make it into a good one. The memory is there forever, but how can I make it better without having him take me for granted for trying too hard?

I thought it was funny that the themes of gay partners and electronic communication were both present again in a single post. Then I realized you were the guy from the other thread.

I don't understand how two people can be so disconnected and still think they are close to each other. This is no relationship. It's a sham. I'll repeat my first advice:

anagram wrote:Just cut out all this discommunication nonsense ("likes" on FB and whatnot) and talk to the guy.

It's no use asking us about it if you are not / don't want to be close with him.

If you just want to be "partners in crime" and nothing else, or if you just want to receive attention, then stop pretending to each other that you're invested in anything other than that. If you really are affectively invested, then be honest about it and do your share of it.

anagram wrote:I thought it was funny that the themes of gay partners and electronic communication were both present again in a single post. Then I realized you were the guy from the other thread.

I don't understand how two people can be so disconnected and still think they are close to each other. This is no relationship. It's a sham. I'll repeat my first advice:

anagram wrote:Just cut out all this discommunication nonsense ("likes" on FB and whatnot) and talk to the guy.

It's no use asking us about it if you are not / don't want to be close with him.

If you just want to be "partners in crime" and nothing else, or if you just want to receive attention, then stop pretending to each other that you're invested in anything other than that. If you really are affectively invested, then be honest about it and do your share of it.

Oh, that is not the same person I was talking about at all. The one from the previous thread decided "there was no chemistry between us" so we have stopped talking. We are just friends but just don't talk anymore. I have almost no interest in talking to someone who doesn't try to even be my friend (talk, hang out, etc) and still calls himself one.

I like your last advice, but it's a different guy now. It's just that I have honestly been seeing where experimenting with seeing where things take me as it comes to men, but I don't think that is the way to go. The mistake I made was leaving this guy the first time. He has come back to me, but I notice he is not as engaged as before. It makes me sad because I know how he can be. Things are looking better for him and I, but I have a much better sense of social cues when things are face to face. When it comes to texting, however, I am lost.

Communication is the best thing, but shouldn't there also be strategy? Now I feel like because I realized how worthy he is, I think that I'm starting to let my walls down with this guy, and let him know my more honest feelings. I don't want to make him feel like he doesn't have to try texting me first because he already has me, but it does feel nice for him to say things and try to reach me outside of us going out on what I see as dates 2/3 times a week. I guess I want more because I know what I have, but I don't want to have an anxious attachment and be all clingy. I just want him to be more there, because security/stability is the best thing for me.

You can't changed what happened. Just accept it and move on.

The others are right. If you trade people for an upgrade, of course their feelings and sense of trust will be damaged. There is no strategy when it comes to caring. We can't make others care for us, or be interested if they are not. An honest sincere apology can sometimes heal a damaged relationship, but not always.

p.s., Just out of curiosity, suppose he had left you for another, and then later came back. How would you feel?