I am terrified of men!!

Hi everyone, I'm new...

I can see on here some really sad stories and I'm so sorry to read them, and I'm sorry if what I'm about to described is feeble in comparison... but it's affected me so badly it's just ruining my life.

My dad was a con-man, drunk and drug-user - he made national news with the following story 12 years ago he was that bad. He spent my mother's family fortune away on drugs and drink for himself, and I spent the first few years of my life living in B&Bs, rented houses and cheap hotels because we couldn't afford a house after all his spending. His spending got so bad my mother had to steal table scraps from restaurants to feed my little brother and I (luckily he remembers none of this ordeal). He used to be very violent and abuse my mother and grandmother regularly, beating them. I remember the screams and the pleas. I used to hide. This happened very regularly. As far as I'm aware he was never violent with me or my brother. He once beat my mother with an iron right in front of me. This went on for years and I never got to go to school until I was about 8 because of all the travelling. He and my mum finally got divorced when I was 10 and she lived in fear even then, getting passports done for me and my brother in case he ever came knocking and we had to escape.

My mum remarried to a man with bipolar depression, which has been better in recent years but in earlier years he was very cruel to my mum (not violent, but put her down all the time saying she was overweight or not pretty enough or worthless) and always used to make me feel like I wasn't working hard enough at school, even though I was an A-B student.

The sexual experiences I had in my early teens were always pushy - I was sexually active at about 13 (didn't lose my virginity until nearly 16 though) and I always found myself with guys who were trying to persuade me to go further all the time. At the same time I - and this sounds shameful, I know it is - I used to enjoy webcamming with guys online (in their 20s) at that young age, I think partially because I liked having the control sexually (no one could tell me what to do as I was on a cam, so I had control over what happened).

I had a girlfriend when I was 14 and was sexually active with her, this made me feel a lot better about my life - I think because by this point I was scared of men, associating them with violence and abuse and needs - and it was at this point that I received some counselling about what happened in my childhood. It was fine for a few months but we broke up after a bit. Since I was about 13 I had problems with self-harm and it got worse around this point.

Then I met my (now-ex) boyfriend Jonathan. He seemed nice and cool, he was older than me (I was 15 and he was 18). Again he became really pushy but I loved him so I was almost like a servant to him - I cooked food for him, I cleaned up after him, and I tended to his sexual needs. If I wasn't in the mood, he would say 'oh but you are always in the mood' so I ended up just going along with it to please him. He was very controlling. He tried to turn me against my friends and tried to manipulate my life in so many ways. He started cheating on me during the first few months of uni and we broke up eventually, when I woke up enough to see that I couldn't win him back and shouldn't want to. I met a lovely guy named Aaron (who is my fiance now) - a one-of-a-kind perfect guy who had no girlfriends before me (so I was his first gf, first kiss etc - really special), a kind family with the cuddliest, mumsiest mum ever and just a lovely normal life. Jonathan stayed with the girl he cheated on me for.

In Sep 2010 Jonathan and I were still sort of friends. My brother had bought an Xbox off one of Jonathan's friends so I stayed at Aaron's flat (Aaron was back in his home town, didn't have uni term yet) which was in the same student apartment complex as Jonathan's flat. I was going to meet the guy with the Xbox at Jonathan's flat as even though I tried to tell him where Aaron's flat was he got a bit lost so I went to Jonathan's. Xbox guy hadn't arrived yet. Jonathan has his TV in his bedroom, all there is in there is a big bed and no chairs so I sat on the end of the bed watching TV with him. Jonathan said "why don't you sit further up here? we're still friends aren't we?" so I sat further up the bed. He tried to get me to relax, trying to cuddle me and stuff but I felt really uncomfortable. He then tried to feel my breasts, going under the bra and I told him to stop. He kept saying "but we're still best friends". I moved away from him, very wary now. I always made excuses for him so I just put this down to his forward nature. Xbox guy hadn't arrived still. I can't remember exactly what happened here but we used to play fight and play chase a lot when we were together, so he started trying to do this again and tried grabbing my genitals (on top of clothes as I was wearing jeans). I yelled at him to stop it. Xbox guy turned up and I got the gaming system. All Jonathan had to say at this point was "I'm sorry, you should go... I need to stop thinking of you as a sexual object." While this was happening his girlfriend that he cheated on me for was at work.

I don't know if the above really counts as sexual abuse or anything but it did upset me and ever since it's affected my sex life. I used to really love sex and Aaron and I had frequent sex, now it has become very infrequent - he's been really lovely and supportive though. When I am touched I just feel uncomfortable, like I did on that day Jonathan tried to grope me. I just feel all gross and uncomfortable when touched, like I'm suffocating. Like I'm a thing for people's needs. Even though Aaron doesn't see me that way, because of all the experiences I've had with men I just feel like that's what men are like now.

This also affects masturbation. I tend to be really rough with myself and I like watching/reading about submissive sex - I enjoy submissive sex for FUN but I don't know if I only like this because of what happened to me. I now feel gross and uncomfortable when I even masturbate.

It affects my normal life too. I am terrified if I am in a club or pub and a man tries to talk to me. When I am walking down the street I walk very far out of any man's way. I am constantly terrified and wary of men, strangers and friends.

I hate this. What can I do?

Again, sorry if my story is really stupid and I should just get over it.

wolfgirl

I can see on here some really sad stories and I'm so sorry to read them, and I'm sorry if what I'm about to described is feeble in comparison... but it's affected me so badly it's just ruining my life.

It is not feeble at all. Life has been difficult for you I'm not surprised you don't like men. You have heard and seen things a child should not be subjected to. Your father spending all the money so you were poor, him beating your mother in front of you.

When your mother got divorced, you all still lived in fear of him.

My guess (and it is only a guess) is that the same fear is still with you.
Maybe you have a type of PTSD Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event that results in psychological trauma. (Wiki)
You feel you are just a sex object, something to be used and its turning you off, You have watched you mother used and abused treated badly by men. It does not have to be like that.
your self esteem sounds low.

I hate this. What can I do?

Again, sorry if my story is really stupid and I should just get over it.

Your story is not stupid.

First step would be to see your GP, perhaps a female if that makes you more comfortable they could arrange some suitable therapy.
There are ways of overcoming this, but you need to ask for help

Greatexpectations wrote:wolfgirl

I can see on here some really sad stories and I'm so sorry to read them, and I'm sorry if what I'm about to described is feeble in comparison... but it's affected me so badly it's just ruining my life.

It is not feeble at all. Life has been difficult for you I'm not surprised you don't like men. You have heard and seen things a child should not be subjected to. Your father spending all the money so you were poor, him beating your mother in front of you.

When your mother got divorced, you all still lived in fear of him.

My guess (and it is only a guess) is that the same fear is still with you.
Maybe you have a type of PTSD Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event that results in psychological trauma. (Wiki)
You feel you are just a sex object, something to be used and its turning you off, You have watched you mother used and abused treated badly by men. It does not have to be like that.
your self esteem sounds low.

I hate this. What can I do?

Again, sorry if my story is really stupid and I should just get over it.

Your story is not stupid.

First step would be to see your GP, perhaps a female if that makes you more comfortable they could arrange some suitable therapy.
There are ways of overcoming this, but you need to ask for help

Thank you for your reply,

I have gone to SeVA and booked an initial appointment. When I saw the lady tick the 'sexual assault' box when I had to describe roughly what brought me there I ended up crying after I left. I know it's minor but I never thought that what Jonathan did meant anything until I found that I was having problems sexually. I really want to get over this but I think I've not really dealt with all this properly and it's caught up with me now.

I'm finding that I'm not sure how to experience sex, and what I'm meant to feel. It just always ends up feeling bad now.

Wolfgirl, please get help and things will get better with time, they always do. You will go through a rough period but then you'll come out of it healthier and stronger.