I can't deal with being "hit on" *TW*

This is my first time posting in this forum. I don't think I have the energy to go into great detail about my rape, but there's so many little things that built up to this incident..... But for now, I'm just looking for support and to see if I'm the only one who deals with this sort of "aftermath".

In a nutshell, I was drugged and raped by my cousin. It's been over 4 years since the incident, and I still struggle. If anything, I feel like I'm getting worse.

It was not a "violent" rape. Honestly, I think he wanted to see if I would "go for it" and raping me was a last resort. The red flags began popping up when he began commenting on what a "hot, cute girl" I was, amongst other highly inappropriate things. I politely, but firmly told him that I was uncomfortable with his comments. I pointed out that we were FAMILY and that he had a fiancé (who was in the other room, no less). I even went as far as telling him that I did not find him attractive (he literally looks like a pig). That's probably what put the nail in the coffin, because shortly after I blacked out. Yes, we were drinking. Big mistake. I rarely drink, and figured I was safe around family. Boy, was I wrong.

So...... Now, whenever anyone "hits on me" tells me I'm "hot" "attractive" even when I'm reffered to as a "woman" "girl" or "female" I immediately get flashbacks and basically prepare myself to fight for my life. I basically see certain keywords as a subliminal hint that the person is about to assault/rape me. I usually get very panicked when it's someone I don't know well. When someone I trust and know well compliments me, I don't necessarily fear them...... But it still triggers me. In those cases, I feel it is a reminder of what happened, and makes me feel responsible for the event and guilty.

It's ironic because throughout my life, everyone has reffered to me as "the ugly girl". No one in high school would touch me with a ten foot pole. I dress like a guy 98% of the time, I'm flat chested...... So not only am I afraid, but baffled.

I know why I react this way, it's because these very specific phrases mirror the event. Has anyone dealt with this sort of reaction? And how in the world do I get over it?

Anon, welcome to the forums. I'm sorry that happened to you, and also that you're now having to deal with the aftereffects. Two things that may help:

1. It's important to understand that you weren't assaulted because of your attractiveness. Whether you are or aren't attractive was not the major factor. Your cousin has serious problems/issues and that is the cause of what happened. This understanding is really critical, because associating his behavior with your looks is making yourself partly to blame, and accepting some of the responsibility. To be clear, you are 100% not responsible, he is 100% responsible. Once you accept that, then being found attractive by another person will not be so triggering, because it was not a true cause of the original assault, regardless of what he may have said to you beforehand.

2. Unfortunately because he complemented you before assaulting you, you see that as a precursor to another possible assault. It may help to realize that complementing you was only one of a constellation of behaviors he engaged in before assaulting you. You mentioned the red flags you recognized afterwards, it's good to think about and identify those. That way if a single behavior occurs (such as a complement) out of the constellation, but no others, there's not sufficient reason to be concerned. On the other hand if you begin to see multiple behaviors from the constellation, there's good reason to be cautious, and maybe remove yourself from the situation.

One last thing, you should realize that feeling unattractive is one of the things that can make women vulnerable to abuse. In my experience, it's mostly unwarranted, the woman has focused on a few flaws that she perceives in herself, rather than the many things that make her beautiful. It's helpful for all of us to have people around who hold up a mirror to the beauty instead of the flaws. Those are your true friends, and the people with whom you want to cultivate relationships.

You seem really intelligent so I'm sure you can do these things. If it's still a struggle for you, then you might try counseling, as having someone to help you work through things like this is really beneficial.

Hope that helps, and that you''ll be able to do better with this over time.

Thanks, avatar for the detailed and thoughtful response. I have been to a number of therapists over the last few years, and have felt uncomfortable addressing this particular issue. I did talk about the event to one therapist (who I believe is a quack, possibly a con) and her reaction really messed with me. I told her that I was on the fence about exposing him and pressing charges, but due to family politics I was iffy about doing so. She went on to say "you were drunk" and implied that because of that, I had no case. I went on to explain that I never would have let myself get to that point if I wasn't "amongst family". She just kept repeating "you were drunk". I ended up breaking down and saying "I don't know what I did to bring this on" and she yelled back "because you are young, lovely and naive and THAT'S why you ended up in this situation" which pissed me off beyond belief. I am so on guard and paranoid that I purposely avoid and reject people for my safety. I see the darkness in this world and go to great lengths to avoid it. So being called "naive" really rubbed me the wrong way. Believe me, if this pig was not a relative, I would NEVER have engaged. I have so much resentment because before the event I "felt" a bad vibe from him, but shrugged it off because he was family. I blamed my paranoia for the obvious red flags I sensed and really thought I was being crazy. It's difficult because if I trusted my instincts initially and avoided him, my family would have gotten on my case for "being rude" and "improper". Anyway, at the end of the conversation with my "therapist" she said "I would just brush it under the rug".

So, basically I'm afraid of going into the dirty details because if I ever get a reaction like that again from a therapist, I very well may strangle them. I have SO MUCH guilt as it is, I don't need a "professional" telling me that I in any way deserved it. I know that this particular therapist was just #######5, she did so many things that were just not professional. I guess I need to suck it up and just go in with an open mind.

More than anything, I wish I could get revenge. I feel so selfish for being scared of the family repercussions of calling him out, and I worry that he's just going around assaulting/raping others and I could prevent others from being hurt, like me. I know this is messed up, but if he ever got "caught" and put on trial for sexual assault/rape I would only then feel comfortable coming out with my story. I really wish I could ruin his life as much as he's ruined mine. I have honestly considered luring him (I know he would go for it) and end up torturing him and carving "rapist pig" into his chest, girl with the dragon tattoo style, so he can forever live in shame. Don't worry, I won't, because I know I will get caught. But even if I could anonymously spread the word on what a dangerous pos he is, I totally would. But then, I would get in trouble for slander :/

Thanks again for listening.......

Thanks for sharing, Anon. I don't blame you for being angry with either your cousin or your therapist. Your cousin for obvious reasons, your therapist because she missed a basic principle of working with survivors, which is the separation of vulnerability from responsibility.

It's true that your state of vulnerability is mostly within your control, but no degree of vulnerability can make you responsible for another person's actions. That's not just a therapeutic idea, it's also a fundamental principle of the law. A burglar cannot claim that you left your door open and are therefore responsible for him robbing you. You'd recognize that as being ridiculous, but that's effectively what your therapist said to you. Unfortunately she wasn't thinking very clearly.

Also unfortunately, the "you're responsible for your own rape" argument sometimes gains traction because the survivor does accurately realize that they could have made better decisions, and would have done so, had they known what was about to happen. But that has to do with learning and gaining awareness of your own vulnerability, and is very different than being responsible for what was done to you by someone else. Any good therapist should be right on top of that and helping the survivor to avoid the pitfalls of self-blame, and the resulting guilt, which may be a natural response but is unwarranted.

If you do decide to try therapy again, it might help to adopt the attitude that you are actively interviewing & choosing the therapist. Talk to them a bit, ask questions and explore their knowledge and philosophy. If they don't seem right, then politely decline & thank them, and try another. A good therapist will identify this as your willingness to engage, which is something they want because it helps them to help you.

The desire for revenge is understandable, its roots are in the injustice that was done to you, and the lack of any perceived consequence or correction for the perpetrator. If that can happen, the world seems pretty unjust & unsafe, and none of us want to live with that anxiety. This can really mess with your head (been there), and the most direct solution would be to enforce justice on that person in some way, even personally if necessary. Revenge fantasies are a common result (been there too).

The fallacy of this is that people are mostly good & the world mostly just, but having experienced what you did, it's difficult to restore that frame of mind. It takes time and being constantly reminded that his actions were an anomaly, caused by his own issues, and aren't representative of the population as a whole. It also helps a great deal to be around others who routinely provide good examples, by their daily behavior. One thing that happens after an assault is the survivor tends to become isolated, by their own choosing. That's a natural self-protective instinct, but you have to resist it, as it's habituating and becomes self-fulfilling. You can't learn that things can be better unless you have some exposure to others, which usually means you have to push yourself a bit to get back out there. It's not easy but it's part of the recovery process.

You mentioned not feeling comfortable calling him out, that may be something you will gain comfort with over time, as your confidence builds. In the meantime, there's a new web site called Project Callisto where you can privately record what happened to you, but request that it remain private unless there is a another entry by someone else for that same perpetrator, who is identified by a URL to their web presence. This can be helpful as many survivors feel unable to make their case alone, due to fear or guilt or uncertainty, but if someone else has a similar experience with the same person, it becomes much easier to speak out. The site allows those people to connect while maintaining privacy. It also helps to protect others. Most survivors worry that their rapist may have other victims or still be offending, and may feel guilt about not reporting. The site is mainly targeted at college students, but it might give you an outlet, and a way to feel like you're taking the first steps to right the wrong. It always feels better to take some action, however small.

So anyway, I apologize for the long response and again hope that you are able to make some progress on these issues. You seem headed in the right direction, despite being derailed by your therapist. That says a lot about you.

Thank you for the info, etc., it means a lot to have someone give me honest and constructive feedback. I am meeting with my new therapist this week, I hope she is a good fit. I will keep what you told me in mind