New(ish) Dx, it's all a bit too much.

So I received a diagnosis of DID when I was 18, I just knew there was two of me. Life passed and I kind of forgot about it I was vaguely aware of the others again at about 20. Then at 21 I realised in therapy that i needed to communicate with her. Then found another one. At 22 I had psychotherapy and DBT, all I know is that the T "made them go" (that is literally all i know about that).
Recently I have been much more aware of the others, so went to get a formal diagnosis and ended up with- DDNOS.

So there is me, aged 27 and two others aged 15, one is very much her own person, the other one...well i don't get involved with her.

Pretty much thought i was done with all this. Thought I was "well". Having the main one around again is very comforting, but I don't need her anymore.
Just a bit of a shock to have done trauma processing and thought we were integrated just to find out that we are not.

I'm bit angry, bit confused about the future...and really don't know why I'm posting. Just need to vent i guess.

Oh and the #######5 thing is literally all the literature is on younger children experiencing abuse, I was fine before I met my abusive ex-bf at 15 yrs old.

Generally, DID does "only" begin in early childhood to late childhood. Rarely does it happen in adolescence, though it is supposed to be possible, and it is highly unlikely for it to ever develop in adulthood.

Personally, I have a theory that I believe is rather valid. My theory is that if a brain has a history of using dissociation tactics to cope with things, if a brain is "used to" using dissociation as defensive and coping mechanisms, then it is completely possible for the brain to take it one step further and develop a dissociative disorder such as DID later on in life.
Allow me to use a glass analogy to help visualize this theory. A whole piece of glass would be someone who doesn't have a history of dissociation, and has no dissociative disorder. We all start as whole pieces of glass. Those who develop DID have their glass broken by thing(s) in their lives, and so now instead of having a whole piece of glass, they have several pieces of glass that, when together, would create a whole piece of glass (much like how each part of someone with DID creates a whole person when all together). It is my theory that sometimes, the glass doesn't break, but it does crack, meaning it has not yet fully dissociated/separated yet. However, once the glass is cracked, it has a greater possibility of breaking later on, and then there would indeed be separate pieces of glass. (I hope that made sense).

However, one must keep in mind that with DID, it is common for people to not remember the trauma that first caused them to begin "splitting". (This does not always happen, as the point of DID is to cope with the trauma, not always hide it, but it is common). It is also very common for people to think they know what caused them to start "splitting", but then through therapy and increased communication with other alters, they learn that something else they weren't aware of, or hadn't thought was "so bad", or something similar was actually the "cause" for them to begin "splitting". So it is always important to keep an open mind to all possibilities until more is learned. (I am not saying that you do not know what actually "caused" you to begin "splitting", but I am saying that you should be careful about being absolutely certain until it is shown to be so).

One must also keep in mind that it is common to realize later on that some alters have been around for longer than first believed. This is due to the fact that usually hosts/the main personality "out" (which would be you) are not aware of their alters/DID until later on in life, and even then, they are not aware of everything all at once. This awareness increases over time, and with awareness often comes "new" knowledge and truths that were not yet known about/realized. So, yes, you might have been "fine" before you met your abusive ex, but you also might not have been. You might have only seemed and felt "fine" when you were really not. The whole point of a DID system is to help the host cope with trauma while functioning and seeming as "normal" and "ok" as possible, even when they're truly not "normal" or "ok". Since an obvious DID system is often calls attention to people, DID systems tend to "hide" and have no desire to be "found" or "exposed". Their purpose is to help things seem to run smoothly on the outside while they take care of everything on the inside; they are very "behind-the-scenes", and thus it is common for people to learn later on that alters have been around for longer than originally thought. This could be a possibility for you.

Another thing to remember is that abuse does not cause DID, trauma does. This trauma could be a variety of things: abuse (verbal, physical, psychological), the loss of a loved one (such as a family member, especially if it was early on in life), extreme bullying (especially if nothing is done about it), extreme stress (especially early on in life, such as having to "grow up too fast"), a tragic accident to the person or a loved one, being a victim of something (such as a robbery), being neglected as a child (such as being left home alone for long periods of time, or rarely having attention given to you), etc. Basically, anything that could be traumatic to a child has the potential to cause DID. If the child is given a safe, healthy, supportive environment that allows the child to heal from the trauma, then the trauma will cease to affect the child and DID will most likely not be developed. If the child is in an unsafe, unhealthy, and/or non-supportive environment that does not allow the child to heal from the trauma, then it is likely that DDNOS/DID will develop.

(Please remember, I am not saying that it is not possible for you to have developed this at age 15, I am simply saying that due to its rareness and how unlikely it usually is, to keep an open mind to other possibilities that you might be unaware of).

One last note I have to make is that trauma processing does not equal integration. Integration is a process of trauma processing, acceptance of trauma and every alter/part of you, understanding of the trauma and every alter/part of you, having communication with alters/parts of you so that you can be sure there are no hidden memories, secrets kept, untold traumas, etc. (otherwise, you would not have processed through everything, and you might not realize that there is more to process), and then putting all the pieces together (memories, experiences, trauma, all alters/parts- including yourself) to create one whole person, with a whole personality, with a whole memory.

The fact that your T "made them go" concerns me, as it does not sound like your therapist was very helpful, and it sounds like they thought that the alters were your problem, instead of whatever caused your "splitting" to be your problem. No therapist should make alters "go away", unless they are working on integration, but even then alters would not "go away", they simply integrate and become one with each other, so a piece of them will always still be there, just mixed/"melded" with other pieces instead of being fully separate. I would begin looking into therapy again if I were you, and I would find a therapist that has experience with dissociative disorders at least, if not DID itself.

The future is confusing for everyone, singletons and multiples alike. Just know that there are two ways of healing, and that you CAN heal from this with some time, effort, and proper therapy. Most people believe that you can only heal via integration. But there is another choice, that is actually common on here, and that is staying multiple but learning how to become a smoothly-functioning system/team that works together. This is our personal choice, actually. We wish to seek therapy/help for our individual experiences/issues, as well as therapy for us as a whole, and through therapy, communication, understanding, acceptance, and compromising, we hope to become a fully-functional, smoothly-operated system/team. We have already made great strides towards co-consciousness with other alters and being able to co-host with other alters, which have helped us in our progression towards our goal of becoming a cooperative system/team; others on this site have also made great strides towards this goal, and it is indeed possible. It is only a matter of personal choice, integration versus staying multiple, because you CAN heal properly and be fully functional either way.

I hope this site, and the resource link (I have forgotten if you have it yet, sorry: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100829.html ) are helpful to you.


~Rain

I feel like dissociation and alters in whichever form I have them, is a bit like a glass made to carry the trauma, and life, like we've formed and adapted around it. Perhaps some people's glass containers are thicker of thinner than others, but I definately feel I need to be a strong container for life at the moment.