I'm done lying Possibly Triggering

by **lifelongthing** » Wed Oct 10, 2012 7:03 am

That's great Shay. I'm glad you're doing things that can help you. Is there anything I can do to help you, you think?

*song lyrics*

Swing Life Away

Am I loud and clear, or am I breaking up?
Am I still your charm, or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

I've been here so long, I think that it's time to move
The winter's so cold, summer's over too soon
Let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow

I've got some friends, some that I hardly know
But we've had some times, I wouldn't trade for the world
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go

We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand....until you hold my hand

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

Swing life away [x4]

-- Wed Oct 10, 2012 12:08 am --

lifelongthing wrote:you help I feel more calm

you

r
e
p
l
y

by **ManyHearts** » Wed Oct 10, 2012 7:08 am

I know the song, have you ever listened to the version that was done at the train station? I really loved his voice there :oops:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUfdQapmeYk

by **tomboy24** » Wed Oct 10, 2012 7:14 am

n
o

Datenshi wrote:really loved the song

w
i
l
l

listened to the version that was done at the train station

sleep soon

n
o
w

by **lifelongthing** » Wed Oct 10, 2012 7:17 am

I will reply

I'm glad I can help you get calmer. You're doing good

Jason Mraz - I won't give up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough

I'm still looking up, still looking up.
(song posted by both Leo & Nin)

by **tomboy24** » Wed Oct 10, 2012 7:19 am

l
i
k
e

t
h
a
n
k

sleep

n
o
w

by **lifelongthing** » Wed Oct 10, 2012 7:56 am

We're glad you like it

Sleep well!

by **salted lipstick** » Wed Oct 10, 2012 12:18 pm

tomboy24 wrote:*Trigger Warning: confessions concerning lying about DID*

Here goes nothing.

I admit it. I lied.

It was all faked. Everything.

I did it to get attention at first. And to not be responsible for my actions. I did it so that I would have an excuse to use people. I hid behind false personalities and names so that I wouldn't be seen as a horrible, selfish, manipulative person. I made people believe that I was the victim instead of them. I made people believe that I cared about them so that they wouldn't see my true intentions, who I truly was. But it's time to stop lying to everyone and to myself. It's time to stop living these lies.

I convinced myself that this was real, that it was all real, because I didn't want to feel bad about using people. I didn't want to face the fact that I was a horrible person, causing damage to other people and never taking responsibility for my actions. I told myself that I wasn't lying, because it hurt less that way.

In reality, I'm a liar. I'm a manipulator. I'm selfish. I'm irresponsible. I'm attention-seeking. I'm impulsive. And I'm a horrible, horrible person.

But I'm setting out to change that. Starting with coming clean.

I can never say anything or do anything to right the wrongs I've done. And nothing will ever be able to express how much I regret lying to you all. None of you deserved this in the least, and I only hope that you won't let people like me damage you or your progress.

I won't delete my account yet, because I want to give people a chance to respond. I want to give people a chance at expressing any anger, hurt, betrayal, or anything else they might have towards me. I'm not going to run away from the consequences this time. I'm going to stand and face them. So please, don't hold back. I deserve all that I get.

I think that's all I have to say....other than I'm sorry. I won't blame any of you if you don't believe it, but I am.

-- Tue Oct 09, 2012 10:25 pm --

Thank you for finally admitting all of this. You've taken a big step forward, now you can start leaving these lies behind. I'll stop getting/hacking onto your account, now.

I really don't think you've been lying Cassandra. It sounds a lot to me like a part of you might have had some really convincing ideas that have lead you back into denial. Especially seeing as that part thanks you at the end...

I'm sorry you are going through this at the moment. Denial is such a difficult thing to be going through.

Mike, it sounds like you are really concerned about this situation. Have you got any idea why this is going on at the moment?

by **Blacksunshine827** » Wed Oct 10, 2012 5:32 pm

Salted,
I think a lot of this is coming from the fact that lately she's been reflecting on her life and had a hard time excepting Shay at first. Right now she's out of state out of her element so that is stressful and with being somewhere else she is also able to look at where she is and not like it. I think her denial is her trying to start new, trying to accept that everything that's lead her to where she is was her fault and she needs to change. Of course I'm not really qualified to diag any of this its just my personal opinion.

by **tomboy24** » Wed Oct 10, 2012 6:23 pm

Spartanfur06, Lifelongthing, Datenshi, and Salted Lipstick, thank you immensely for your replies, your support, and your help. While this is becoming quite the difficult time for us, I am thankful that we managed to post here, where it is on record and we can receive help and support. It would have been much more difficult had this all been left to play out in our head.

I would also like to thank Michael for his support and his attempts to do his best to help us. And I commend as well as thank Shay for her tenacity and refusal to allow this denial voice/part to win. She has certainly made Cassandra rethink her doubts once again, and as long as she continues to fight as she did last night, I do not believe this denial voice/part will ever win.

Michael, you are on the correct track, although that is not the main issue. It certainly has not helped, but it is not the main cause of this denial. Lifelongthing was correct when she stated in the "Realizations" thread that there was much fear attached to Shay and her behaviour. Though the rest of us have come to accept Shay and her existence, Cassandra is still having trouble truly accepting her and her behaviours, characteristics, and how her existence explains many memories, starting back in elementary school. It seems that every time Cassandra tries to truly accept Shay, and the more Cassandra learns and realizes, this denial voice returns, getting more aggressive and persuasive each time. We have tried communicating with this voice, but to no avail. Of course, it is not helpful that it seems only Cassandra can hear this voice, we only know what we are told and what we see posted here. By what they have posted on the "Done living this lie" thread, it seems that they believe they are not a part of Cassandra, even going so far as to say that they are "hacking" into her account, which is how they explain their posting here.
I must admit, we are currently at a loss of what to do about this situation, other than dealing with it as each situation with them arises. Any advice or input that anyone has would be greatly appreciated.

Again, thank you all for your support and help. It is greatly needed and appreciated at this difficult point in time. (Although I am happy to report, that it is not ruining our vacation. We are still very much enjoying our stay at our Grandmother's house, and have many positive distractions to help us cope with this so that it is not so overwhelming).

~Rain

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