My Story

[color=#BF0000]WARNING-Could Trigger[/color] Sorry this is pretty long but my story about my bullying experience- I just have to tell someone
I've posted other things here in the forums but this has really been a tough year for me. I was accepted into a grad program and only completed what was required to move from the master's level to the doctoral level. I made friends with this guy in my program and a handful of people who are his friends. This is where the nightmare started for me with bullying. My first semester I experienced two losses in my family and then got sick from stress on top of taking 5 classes. He was jealous of me because he thinks I have more money than him and stuff and this is not true because I traveled a lot at the time to go see family in another state from where my school was for the weekends and breaks, but my sister paid for it. So almost every week about 6-10 people from my cohort would go out for drinks or have dinner. This guy was always the "organizer" and the "life of the party". He craves attention. So he one week he told me he had no money for books and I saw that he had no groceries so I lent him $400. This was the condition that he would pay me back by the next month. So he became a person involved in m y life almost everyday. I spent a lot of time at his house watching tv and going out for sushi. I was there about at least 4 times a week. I didn't think he was attracted to me because I thought he was gay and had a partner, but then he told me one night he was bi but how beautiful he thinks I am-we had been drinking that night and i fell asleep on his bed, which was a huge mistake. He wanted to kiss me but i was not interested and told him that I didn't see him like that. So later that evening I awoke to having him touching me and then I got up and drove home...not sober! So then afterwards i told him we needed to talk and I went over to his house and we talked and then he asked if he could come to NY with me on my next trip to see my sister. i told him I don't think its a good idea. So after this day I stopped going to his house but still went out with the group from class. Christmas came and went and then January and a new semester rolled around. I had forgotten to ask him for my money back I lent him because I had been so busy. Then one day i approached him out in the school parking lot and asked him when he was gonna pay me back and he said he would. The next week he ignored me. Then the following week i told him I really could use the money if he could even pay some of it back. he said he'd give it to me in a few days. I said ok and that was the end of it ...or so I thought.
The very next day during class break I walked out to the school parking lot(which is connected to the biulding) and about 5 of our classmates were standing around in a circle. He came up to me and said can we talk. I said sure, and he said, "I can't be friends with you". i said"what are you talking about"? He said "well everyone is talking about you, that you are psychotic, delusional and lose time, and I don't even know if your dad really died cos i think you're a liar, and that everyone thinks you don't belong in this program because you look so different". And everyone thinks you're sick(because i confided in a girl in the group "privately" about what was happening to me with my sister and about my childhood sexual abuse-we were supporting each other emotionally) and that you are just as insane as she is because of your abuse and that she does drinks all the time because of it". I was floored and just stood there and told him "I don't give a f... WTH you or anyone else thinks! I am not insane or delusional or anything and my dad did really die because you spoke to my mother yourself when she called my phone that night we were all out to dinner and ____ had to drive me home because I couldn't function". I started to cry uncontrollably and walked past the group as they stared at me smiling and laughing, and then I ran into the bathroom. One of my friends who was inside saw this and followed me in the bathroom to try and calm me down. When I did a bit I came into the study area where three other's from my class was standing and they were like "what just happened"? I told them that _____ just verbally attacked me outside and basically told everyone about my abuse and that they were all laughing at me. One of the guys got upset and said "OMG I can't believe this". And then he gave me a hug and I went into the class teary eyed and stayed for the rest of the session even though I could feel the row of eyes behind me smirking because that's where the lot of them always sat. I was in the first row right in front of the professor trying to keep myself from crying, but my eyes were swollen and red and I still stayed in class. that night I got home and all 5 of the group unfriended me from FB while we had been in class. The weekend was very lonely and I was so upset and unsettled about the entire experience. Others in the class kept asking me why I was crying via email mssges. My friend who dropped out of the program then came on FB and sent me a very detailed IM stating that _____ was telling everyone last night all about what happened to you and your sister and all about how crazy you are because of it and how F'd up you and your sister are, and how the money was a gift and not a loan and that's why he thinks you are a liar". I became very distraught because I knew he was out with other class mates that night and that now about 15 members of my cohort knew my history. He told them I am depressed as well. I knew that the only reason he knew about my abuse was because I told the girl in my class... she promised to keep it a secret but shared my email with him. So I felt betrayed by her especially because I liked her and she liked me.
So everyday I went to class and no one but two girls would make eye contact with me for like 3 months. I was completely ignored almost like I was invisible. Then when I would walk by they would laugh and whisper. When I got home every evening i was being sent text messages by his friends and asked by the one's laughing "what was going on"? This really hurt because i know they were doing the same things he was to me and then acting like I didn't exist in class. During in-class projects no one picked me for their partner and as I sat alone trying not to show it hurt it was truly killing me inside. During break I would go out and sit alone on the other side of the parking lot if there was no where else I could sit. One day the guy that gave me a hug came over and said "how are you" It was the most touching thing ever and i later gave him a thank you note thanking him for being so nice to me. I moved to this state to go to school and made these people my friends. These "friends" turned out to be bullies in the most disgusting form...people that are supposed to be in the helping profession who thought it was entertaining to see me in pain while their "leader" continued week after week laughing, mocking, rolling his eyes at me when I looked at him, and the group just followed like automatons whatever he said or did because they wanted to be in the "popular" group. I went to see a counselor for a few months afterwords because i became so depressed I seriously thought of killing myself from the bullying. My counselor thought it'd be a good idea for me to tell the director. When I did his response was "why did you react like that"? He was talking about my crying. And he said there is nothing he can do because it happened "off school grounds". So nothing was done and the guy got away with it. I spoke to two school professors about what was happening and they all said that was just horrible to have happened to me and that they are sorry but because it happened in the school parking lot there was nothing they could do except wait to see if he or the group would do anything in front of one of them". I went back to my counselor who said she thought it was best for me to withdraw because of the toll it was taking on me. I printed up the FB convo but since it wasn't directly from the guy ...again there is nothing they can do. Now I've dropped out of the program because I can't take the bullying any more. It's not healthy for me and to be tortured constantly is making me feel hopeless. Then a few weeks ago my friend told me that two people who were my friends in the class told her that ____ was trying to get me kicked out of the program for unstability and were wondering because I seemed so nice and smart that it doesn't make sense to them". She told them that he just didn't like me for some reason and they said they were wondering why all of a sudden the group stopped talking to me. Then last week I saw him in the school library and he acted shocked wondering what I was doing at school when he "heard rumours" I was kicked out". He told me the past should just stay the past and he's forgotten so why don't I and why don't I call him sometime and we could get together or something. I said i have to go and walked out. Then that night I had nightmares...I guess just seeing him again made me feel victimized all over again especially because it seemed like he was trying to make me feel like a failure because he was "succeeding" in school and I've only left the program. So now I've been doing better but seeing him again last week really got to me more than I thought it would. I've been a victim of bullying as a child but never thought this would happen when I grew up.

I may be reading it wrong, and I apologize if I am, but it sounds like you collected all the ingredients needed to recreate those same awful feelings that you had when you were being abused, put them all into a big pot, let them simmer, and now you're surprised that the meal you cooked tastes the same as it did then.

Lending someone with questionable financial discipline a lot of money, and falling asleep on his bed sounds like an invitation to be taken advantage of. You deserve better than that, but if you sabotage yourself, it's going to be a bumpy road to say the least. It sounds like they are an immature bunch, and it must be incredibly frustrating to have them come out on top, but remember, this is just a setback for you. You'll eventually rise above it, a much wiser person, whereas they're likely stuck where they are for life. =)

I never thought about it quite in that way, but you have a good point. No wonder its been so hard to deal with and I really couldn't figure out why since i always thought I was such a strong person, but I've been doing a lot of self care to move past this.The scary part of it all is that the guy that did this will someday be working with people in crisis and that have been abused. They are all an immature bunch and it is sad for me to see them move forward knowing they will someday be in positions of authority and that their bullying behavior is ignored(I am not the only one). I don't say this for the entire class but only those few members. But at the end of the day I feel confidant in my decision. I plan to go back and maybe to a different school in a few years.

Amy_ wrote:I plan to go back and maybe to a different school in a few years.

I have a feeling you're going to do great!